The pointless single phrase in this Gorilla Glue Ad

So we see a guy having fun with his dog, playing tug-of-war in...um, the living room.  This is really stupid yet so typical of American television ads to watch a grown male with the means of possessing a large suburban home but not enough brain cells to avoid doing something common sense tells us not to do.  Surrounded by expensive furniture, with sunlight streaming in the windows, he's going to play tug-of-war with his dog in the living room because of course he is.

Naturally, the guy falls down and breaks something while doing this stupid thing because again he's a Guy in an American Television Commercial.  And then we get the pointless single phrase- an off-screen "What was that?" female voice because of course this doofus is married to a probably long-suffering woman who is somewhere else in the house trying to hold everything together despite her pathetically dense partner and his tendency to do damage every time she turns her back for fifteen seconds.  We did not need to hear from this woman.  She doesn't actually make an appearance.  The guy quickly uses Gorilla Glue to mend the piece of furniture he broke.  Maybe the message is that he would not have fixed the broken item right away if not prodded by the threatening tone of his female partner?  Maybe his quick action is motivated by sheer terror?  Maybe if that voice didn't pop into the ad we'd be wondering why he was in such a hurry to fix a broken piece of furniture in his own house (there's no woman in my house, so there's literally nothing BUT broken furniture here.  Why would I fix anything- I'm not afraid of anyone pointing out my inability to take three steps without breaking something?)

Now that I've done all of this analysis, I guess the "pointless single phrase" wasn't so pointless.  Watching this ad without sound, it makes perfect sense that this guy is playing with the dog in the living room instead of the lawn- he's a male, which means he's a moron, after all.  But we'd be totally confounded as to why he's so quick to repair the damage he does.  The off-screen female voice puts it all together and makes it all work.  Thanks again, Sexist American Advertising Agencies!

A better answer, and another question, for this Xfinity Commercial

 

Here's my answer to the customer who asks "my tween wants a new* phone, how do I get one without breaking the bank?":  Don't buy your tween a phone at all.   She wants one.  She doesn't need one.  Don't buy the phone, and you've instantly saved an amazing amount of money.  Oh, but you might have to do some parenting, instead.  So I guess you're going to go ahead and buy that phone and deal with the cost any way you can, because the important thing is that a kid under 13 years of age wants a phone.

My better question is "why is this geek wearing a winter hat indoors? And why is he getting a free pass from a woman who needs to spend less time sitting and looking at her phone and more time actually using some of that energy she's been storing?  Why is she snarking that a guy driving a golf cart should "get a helmet for that thing" when the obvious response from the guy should be "why are you wearing shoes, you never seem to use them?"

*note that the tween doesn't want a phone- she wants a NEW phone.  So she's under 13, and she's already had at least one phone that she's "grown out of (doesn't show well for her peer group.")  This is so gross.   Are American families struggling to make ends meet, or are they in "need" of an updated phone for their not-yet-13-freaking-year-old kids?  We can't have it both ways. 

Let's be honest, Sono Bello...

 

....or at least, let's be more honest with our customers than our customers are with themselves.

You're offering a magic bullet/potion to "fix" a problem that took years to create.  Building visceral fat doesn't take as long as building muscle, and it's a hell of a lot easier, but it doesn't happen overnight, either.  Problems that develop over time require solutions that also take time.  I don't care how much money you have, you aren't fixing a lifetime of bad habits with one visit- or a thousand- to Sono Bello.

Once these people have gone through the procedure to remove the excess energy built up over years of overeating and under-moving, what then?  99 percent of them will go right back to the unhealthy habits that made them customers of Sono Bello (and before that, "fad" or "crash" diets) and gain all the weight back.  Social Media is saturated with so-called "Fat Activists" who like to tell us that "99% of diets fail" and "99% of people who lose weight gain it all back within a few years."  It's practically an article of faith.  But it's a perfect example of lying with statistics.  A "diet" is used to lose weight.  If you can't stick with it (and there are approximately 8000 diets out there that will help you lose weight but aren't sustainable) you'll go right back to your old habits and, yes, gain the weight back because such diets aren't a "cure" for the problem of excess weight. 

The key is to use the other definition of "diet:" the food one regularly consumes for energy.  To lose, gain or maintain weight, change your daily diet.  Adding movement helps, but regulating the intake of calories is the key.  You'll get the same results offered by Sono Bello- but you'll also decrease your chances of developing Type 2 Diabetes, Heart Disease, Fatty Liver Disease, multiple types of cancer,  etc.  Sono Bello doesn't offer any of that- just a quick, less painful, more expensive version of a crash diet.  With the same (temporary) results.

Bottom Line:  If Sono Bello was honest with its customers, it would offer a Buy Nine Get the 10th Free punchcard along with the first visit.  Because these happy customers will be back.  Again and again.  Wasting money on a 100 percent unnecessary surgical procedure instead of putting in the hard work of simply changing their diet.  It's sad, but I bet it's really popular.  Magic Pill offers always are.

That Samsung "High Horse" Commercial

 

Right off the bat, I have to deal with two issues:  First, that kid is too old to have her father in the dental office with her at all.  The doctor's "what's with your dad?" probably didn't mean "why is your dad riding a horse" but rather "why is your dad in here instead of the waiting room?  Are you the biggest five year old on the planet, or are the apron strings really that strong in your family?"

Second, one of the comments under this video reads "I don't think they should have squeezed a horse into a small space like that."  Which leaves me very, very concerned that the guy who left that post believes that this is an actual dental office and not a prop-filled sound stage.  Maybe he thinks that's a real dentist and patient, too.  Again, I am very, very concerned.

But as to dad being "on his high horse," I have two more points to make:  First, no one under the age of sixty uses the phrase "on his high horse."  Maybe because not one in 10,000 Americans will never ride a horse, or knows what distinguishes a "high horse" from any other horse, or sees riding a horse as a status symbol (which is where the phrase comes from.)  If you see someone riding a horse today, you either live in the country or in a city that uses mounted police officers.  "Because he's driving his Lexus" would be a good update for a modern audience, but I guess the 80 year old writer of this ad doesn't see it that way.

Second, this balding, fat shlub managed to get himself married to someone who produced at least one child for him- a child who talks like an 18th-century villager but a child nonetheless.  And despite being super-excited about getting "the best deal" on a phone can afford to own at least two very expensive, luxury pets (if he's "riding his high horse," he must have a lower horse he regularly rides, right?  Otherwise it would just be "riding his horse.")  Maybe that's why he's on his high horse?

This Rinvoq commercial hits home*

 

I didn't start off telling myself that my mild rheumatoid arthritis was no big deal.  I have a low tolerance for pain, and I'm too active to want to be slowed down by pain flares. 

So I got several x-rays and two MRIs.  I had sessions with three different physical therapy providers over the course of six years.  I pretty much gave up white sugar when I connected its consumption with severe pain flares.  And I went on Humira.  And I stayed on Humira.  For three years.

I don't think any of this worked; I think that my knee and hip pain has simply become more like the back pain I've experienced since being hit by a drunk driver in 2002- something that is Just There, a minor annoyance.  It doesn't keep me from doing anything.  Does it limit by ability to enjoy movement?  I'm sure it does.  But it doesn't stop me from participating in movement.

Would Rinvoq work for me?  I don't know, because my insurance doesn't cover Rinvoq.  It covered Humira.  Which means it paid out tens of thousands of dollars on a twice-a-month injection that did nothing (I've been off it for more than a year now.  No difference.)  I'll probably never know if Rinvoq would work for me.  Maybe there will be an affordable generic version that my insurance will cover in the future.  We'll see.

*especially today, my 61st birthday.  I feel pretty young today.  Some days I feel very old.  Pretty much depends on how sore I feel from one day to the next.  But I watch my weight, take my cholesterol meds, and my doctor says I have the heart of a 25-year old** so I guess a few aches and pains are no big deal.

**I don't know how he found this out, and until the police get a search warrant, it can't be proven either way.

Sally and Prevagen. Another sad story.

 

What is Sally willing to do for a few seconds of screentime and a few bucks as a "paid spokesperson?" Let us count the ways in which Sally is willing to sell her dignity.

For one, she's willing to use her place of employment as a backdrop for this nonsense.  For another, she's willing to lie about "reading the clinical study" (what study?  Where can we find this study?) and this convincing her to try Prevagen, because "reading the clinical study" sounds better than "was suckered in by a lame commercial."  

She's also willing to give Prevagen credit for what she says is "sharper focus" and "better memory," when it would make as much sense to praise the stone in her shoe considering that there is actually no real evidence that this nonsense does anything at all and isn't just an expensive placebo.

Seems to me that the only real impact Prevagen has on its users is to make them more susceptible to offers to pitch Prevagen for cash.  Maybe a future "clinical study" will reveal that Prevagen is a powerfully effective Dignity Removal Drug, or DRD, which is especially useful to anyone looking to pursue a career on Social Media?

The Evil Genius of LinkedIn Ads (Part II)

 

Apparently, "Being Professional" means nothing more than "having a job" or even simply "being human."  

Hey, guess what?  I can do this without LinkedIn.  Now, how do I go about convincing LinkedIn of this?

But from LinkedIn's point of view, "Being Professional" also means remaining tied to LinkedIn even if you aren't looking for a job or seeking help.  It means getting endless Emails urging you to check out who is looking you up, what everyone else is doing, and in short using a "service" you don't really need and aren't at all interested in using because you're already employed, don't need the ads, or simply Have a Life.  A life in which too much time is spent trying to Unsubscribe from LinkedIn.

Sorry, but I'm not interested in spending several minutes every day Congratulating people I haven't seen or heard from in years for their Anniversary at Their Latest Address That Pays Them.  Call me distant, but I just don't care if someone I worked with, taught, or knew casually twenty years ago posted something about something that has nothing to do with me.  I don't need LinkedIn cluttering my inbox with notices that this or that person has done this or that thing at this or that company.  I'm simply.  Not. Interested.  Because I simply. Don't. Care.

But again- good luck Unsubscribing.  It ain't happening.  The Facebook of Capitalism will never let you go.  So remember this person? They posted an update. Go check it out.  NOW.