In the near future, iPhones will be programmed to simply fly themselves out of your hands or their chargers(there is no third option; iPhones are always in either one place or the other) and to the nearest Apple store, where they will trade themselves in for the latest model. Six months later, the cycle will repeat. The phones will have Power of Attorney privileges to sign updated contracts; this will be sold to customers as a Time-Saving Convenience. Those willing to pay an extra fee will have the new phones fly in and high-five the old ones as they pass, so that not even three seconds go by in which the owners* are deprived of their phones.
In short- this is creepy, weird, and way too real to be entertaining.
*I'm not sure I'm using "owners" correctly here. In a Person-iPhone relationship, who is the owner and who is the owned, again?
Sunday, October 6, 2024
The average monthly car payment in the United States is currently just under $700. The average American car owner is using almost one-third of his monthly income to make that payment. The average American car owner is also $6500 in credit card debt and is paying more than $2000 per month in rent or $1200 to a 30-year mortgage. Use of "buy now, pay later" services is exploding as we are assaulted with appeals to indulge the You Only Live Once lifestyle sold to us 24/7 from all sides.
In other words, being "iconic" is not something that most of us should be concerned about. Being economically viable, keeping our heads above water, and continuing to tread as we desperately avoid drowning in debt better describes what most of us actual Americans Who Don't Live in TV Commercial Land are dealing with.
We are approximately six weeks away from the annual onslaught of Lexus December to Remember Ads. This insult is going to cause more injury as 2024 winds down. Brace yourselves, my fellow Iconoclasts.
...along with Afterpay, Klarna and all the rest of these awful "Buy Now, Pay Later" apps. Why? Well, the obvious reason is because they encourage overconsumption and debt. They do this by offering what are usually interest-free installment payments over a short span of time. Since consumers already believe that $30 x 6 < $180 because 30 is smaller than 180 DUH, there's no difficulty in convincing them that while they can't afford $180, they can certainly afford $30 six times- heck, that's easy-peasy I have thirty dollars right now (or, at least I will when my next paycheck hits my account.) There's a reason why the length of the average car contract was four years in the 2000s, five years in the 2010s and is now six years- because the only way you can con people into overbuying for a car they can't afford is to make those monthly payments smaller.
But in the very first sentence, I pointed out that these Buy Now, Pay Later companies offer INTEREST-FREE payment plans, so what's the big deal? Well, the Big Deal comes in examining how these companies make their money. They do it by charging merchants high user fees. And merchants pay these fees because the average user of Buy Now, Pay Later services ends up spending 20 percent more than the person using a credit card or cash. In other words, the high fees are worth it to the merchant. And how can the merchants make that money back? The way they always do- by raising prices.
See where this is going? Afterpay, Klarna, Affirm etc. are all contributing to inflation, and not just on impulse items like clothes, shoes, food delivery and jewelry. They are being used to buy groceries now. And using them is becoming alarmingly normalized; check out a recent post where a family uses one to pay a TOLL.
So expect prices to keep going up as stores adjust to customers who Buy Now, Pay Later using one of these fee-sucking, economy-draining services. Even if you don't use them yourself, * you're going to be paying more because the store has to keep paying for the option. And ultimately, you're going to be living in a country where everyone is in debt paying off the clutter sitting in their living rooms.
*and you don't use them yourself, right? You're way too smart for that. Nobody really wants to party like it's 1929.
Hey look, a male in an American TV commercial is being a clueless, destructive idiot while his long-suffering partner looks on with a mixture of encouragement and resignation. Like pretty much every American TV commercial for the past thirty years.
In this one, the Predictably Dumb Husband who somehow has a job that pays for this suburban palace and that overpriced truck is just going to keep trying to back into the driveway instead of just going in forward for some reason, and because he's equipped with male genitalia he's going to keep failing until his partner puts an end to it and- sends in a slightly more competent man to do the job. I'm not sure why backing a truck into a driveway is a specifically male job, but I'm also not sure why American TV commercials insist on "playfully" taking down guys in every ad, but I don't work for an advertising firm so what would I know.
Plus, I'm just an American guy so what would I know about anything that doesn't involve beer, gambling apps and breaking things anyway. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some major damage somewhere while a woman looks on in quiet desperation.
1. "What's going on here" is quickly answered with "he saved so much money bundling his insurance, he combined soccer with football." But the question could just as easily mean "why are we standing here on the sidelines watching this" or "why are you always hanging around me, don't you have a job to do?"*
2. "...he invented a new sport called Fruitball...." oh, whatever. Talk about creating a gigantic glowing banner which reads STATE FARM HAS OFFICIALLY RUN OUT OF IDEAS. What is the logical connection between saving some money and inventing a new sport? There is none. This is beyond Contrived; we need to invent a new word for it.
*Seriously, though. When is Pat Mahomes going to tell this guy to stop acting like they are joined at the hip? Mahomes can't spend as much time with his wife as he does with this unfunny, uninteresting creep. Shouldn't he be selling policies or denying coverage or something? Does he actually work for State Farm, or is he just trying to make a living as Mahomes' most persistent stalker? What the hell is going on here?
Don't despair because that touchdown you bet on didn't take place; wait a few moments until it doesn't happen again. NOW you can despair for the rent, car payment, or medical bills that are going to go into default because you listened to a multi-millionaire who couldn't resist lining his already well-lined pockets just a little more tell you how SuperAwesome gambling is.
Mr. Fox, I'm prepared to offer you a second chance. Just give back the dirty money you took to make this and your other Betting Is Good Clean Fun commercials- or, better yet, donate it to Gambler's Anonymous - and issue a public apology for making those ads in the first place. It won't do anything for the people you've already suckered in to this finances-and-life-destroying addiction, but if it convinces just one person to delete the app from their phone and seek professional help, it would be worth it- don't you think? Or are you really that infatuated with the almighty dollar?
So Mr. and Mrs. Diversity are cruising along in an SUV which is probably already crushing them in debt when they come across a bridge which requires a toll Because Reasons.
Naturally, this family doesn't have two nickels to rub together- why would they be carrying money with them as they drive through the woods with two children, after all- but fortunately they've become very used to the concept of Kicking Problems Down The Road with Klarna, Affirm or, in this case, AfterPay. Because why a small amount now when you can pay that same amount plus a crippling Oops You Missed A Payment Who Could Have Seen That Coming Oh That's Right Everybody later?
And I'm not even going to ask why people who have no money have an SUV and two kids because I've lived in this country long enough to know that deferred desires are just not a thing when compared to Living for Today. So this family- and tens of thousands of families just like them- are going to keep pretending to be financially stable because they can pay that Stupid Tax---- err, I mean, "Troll Toll."
