Uber Eats. Um...what did I just watch here?

 

After suffering through this idiot's internal monologue I was absolutely convinced that he was going to do the most American-on-Television thing imaginable:  he was going to order cooked food and pretend that he had grilled it himself.  Because while that's vastly more expensive than just cooking the food that he was supposed to cook, money has no real meaning in American TV commercials.  Certainly not when compared to Convenience.

But instead, it turns out that the guy was put in charge of the grill and given nothing to....umm, grill.  And yes, I know it's the guy who played Scott Pilgrim in a very forgettable movie that came out more than decade ago and I don't care.  I'm focusing on the fact that he was told to "man the grill" and I guess conjure up food out of the air or something.  

Realizing that he is living in 2024, he whips out his phone and orders groceries- hamburgers and buns, because the host of the party didn't think of buying them himself and also knows it's 2024 and if you find yourself without something these days you just order that something to appear within minutes using an app and your bottomless wallet.  The host's complete thoughtlessness and entitlement is swept under the rug because Scott Pilgrim can drop god knows how much money in a quick purchase and delivery of who-knows-how-many hamburger patties and buns, Carbon Footprint be Damned. 

Then he renders all of his work meaningless- not because he doesn't know the difference between a raw hamburger that is just sitting there and one that is cooking, not because he doesn't know how to turn on the grill or ask for help in doing so, but because he sticks his finger through one of the patties, letting anyone observing know that they should NOT be consuming food that he had anything to do with preparing.  

I'm sorry, but what planet am I living on?  Is this how things are done these days- you go to a party, get on your phone, and start arranging for desperately-trying-to-stay-afloat Delivery Monkeys to bring you food, utensils, cups, napkins, and all that other stuff that we used to shop for and have on hand BEFORE guests began to arrive?  What.  The Actual.  Hell.

And oh, by the way, don't forget to Vote Like Your Whole World Depends On It, because this time it really does. 

The Completely Unnecessary, yet totally expected, line in this stupid Behr Paint Commercial

 

I will give a little tip of the cap to Behr for picking two entirely normal-looking, relatable, unattractive actors to play the couple in this ad.  They are even the same race and of opposite sexes (can we even use the phrase "opposite sex" anymore?  Well, I can.  I'm a boomer.  I can say anything I want.)

But I'm not going to let that "I thought you researched this" line go by.  It's uncalled for- up until the moment it's uttered, this looks for all the world like a project these two decided to plan and carry out together.  But the moment a mistake is pointed out, we the audience must be told that for some reason, it's the guy's fault.  Picking out the best paint was HIS job- obviously, because it was done poorly.  He promised to "research this," and he either didn't "research this" or he researched it badly.  The brushes that were purchased are fine.  The color is fine.  Safe to assume that those were HER responsibility.  The wrong brand of paint was selected.  A mistake was made.  They could have both made that mistake- but this is an American TV Commercial, and that means when a mistake is made, and there's a guy available to hold responsible, that guy is being held responsible. 

There's really zero reason for the line.  They could look at each other and say "we should have researched this" or "we screwed up."  But we all knew that would NOT be the response.  We all knew that this was going to be Doofus Schlub Husband's fault because it's the 21st Century and as a society we still have to pay the price for all those dumb sexist ads of the 1950s, 60s and 70s because eventually a certain number or wrongs will add up to a Right, I guess.

There is zero smart about this commercial, or using Affirm

 

1.  Ridiculously opulent house considering the way the guy in this ad ends up using a Buy Now Pay Later service geared toward people who are living on the margins of financial ruin:*  Check.

2.  Precocious (read: nasty, obnoxious, punchable) little girl bleats criticism and marching orders to her - Uncle, I guess?- about getting the dance right if he's going to be in her Tiktok.  Why he wants to be in her Tiktok I don't know, but all that matters is that we get that awful little kid trope box ticked off.  Check.

3.  Punchline which makes no sense- this guy spent so much time trying to dance with the little girl for her Tiktok video, he has to soak his feet while sitting in a chair he does not yet own, which he has to buy with a Buy Now Pay Later service despite obviously* being able to use a credit card or even cash, and having no hope of actually getting that chair before his feet are no longer swollen from dancing.  Check.

*Or maybe this guy has an opulent house because he is another target demographic for this ad campaign:  People who desperately need to appear to be wealthier than they actually are by buying things that they really can't afford.  Or people who are addicted to the dopamine rush some get by purchasing things- ANY things.  Or just impulse buyers.  This guy could fit into any of those categories, especially the last one- I mean, seriously.  This guy doesn't already own a chair he can sit in while he soaks his feet?  Is he even going to remember why he bought that chair when it shows up?  He'll certainly be reminded every few weeks when those "easy" payments keep getting deducted from his bank account.  

Not smart.  Not smart at all.  

Buffalo Wild Wings. Why, Exactly?

 

One of my favorite memories of the first decade of this century is sitting with my niece and nephew at a Hooter's eating chicken wings while watching the Patriots beat the Colts in a playoff game on their way to another Superbowl win.  Good times.

That being said, there are a few things that would ruin my dining experience at Hooter's or Buffalo Wild Wings, which let's just be honest is trying really really hard to be Hooter's.  One would be a big, clumsy, hairy oaf making a jackass of itself while noisily eating chicken wings and acting as if it's the only creature in the damn bar.  Another would be a winged buffalo reading lines written for a precocious SitCom kid in a voice loud enough to be heard from across the room.

Seriously, ban both these idiots from Buffalo Wild Wings, and maybe I'll stop by.  I'm sure there's something in the health code about the presence of all that dirt and hair.  And I bet the bison is unsanitary, too. 

Wegovy Commercials are hard to snark on...

 

...first, because they are almost self-parody.  I mean, come on- more and more of them show people engaged in reasonably brisk exercise.  If they did that BEFORE taking Wegovy, maybe they could have avoided taking Wegovy.  Just sayin'.

And second, because one of the "possible side effects" to this generation's (year's?) wonder drug is increased heart rate, which is coincidentally a side effect of....oh, never mind.  

The Three Seconds of this Uplift Ad that really set me off

 

It's the first three seconds, which feature a young woman sitting in what looks to be a very substantial apartment or perhaps suburban palace, taking advantage of a Buy Now, Pay Later "service" (this one being Uplift.)  I guess she's using Uplift to buy airline tickets on Southwest.  

This ad reminds me of those commercials featuring young adults buying life insurance from Ethos because "they don't ask any health questions" or Shaquille O'Neal endorsing auto coverage from The General.  Whoever the audience is for Buy Now Pay Later, it's not the woman in this ad.  It's not anyone who lives in a house that looks like that...UNLESS she's attempting an Influencer lifestyle and has tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt and owns none of the stuff we see and is hopelessly underwater in her finances.  

If not, this is just ridiculous.  This woman has money.  She has a credit card.  There is ZERO reason for her to be going the "Buy Now, Pay Later" route.  I mean, come on, advertisers.  Who do you think you're fooling?

Better Questions for the Packers fans in this Uber Eats Ad

 

1.  "Ever wonder why we spend all this money on stupid novelty cheese hats and plastic necklaces just so we can sit in a parking lot during the game?"

2.  "Think anyone watching this ad will buy the idea that we wear dumb foam cheese on our heads in order to promote a service that has been around for about one-fifth as long as that tradition?"

3.  "Do you think anyone gets a chill down their backs when they realize that we are the among the only people on Earth standing between Donald Trump and the White House?"