Point of Personal Privilege: Willy Wonka was a scammer and his contest was rigged

 

The "five lucky children" thing was actually "one winner and four additional children who come along for the ride."  Charlie Bucket was always going to win the contest, and the factory, because for whatever reason, he was picked out by Wonka to win from the very beginning.

Think about it:

Slugworth- who is revealed to be an agent of Wonka's- is right there on the scene almost the moment every "lucky" child finds a golden ticket.  We don't see him whispering into the ear of the person who manufactured the fake ticket- because Wonka KNEW that ticket was fake without looking at it.  How did Slugworth get to the children so quickly?  He intercepts Charlie literally SECONDS after Charlie finds his ticket- HOW?  Obviously, the location of each ticket was carefully tracked by the Wonka Corporation, probably through some Global Positioning System created by one of the smarter minions enslaved within that factory.

When Charlie goes back to the candy shop for a second candy bar, the proprietor picks out the chocolate bar for him- "Why not try a regular Wonka bar this time?"  Why would he do this, unless he knew he was giving Charlie a bar with a golden ticket in it?  He was probably irritated that Charlie didn't pick the right flavor the first time, and that Charlie only bought ONE candy bar despite "finding" a dollar right outside the shop.  Obviously this guy was an agent of Wonka's.  

At the factory, all of the kids break the rules, including Charlie.  All of the kids pay a heavy price, except Charlie.  Charlie and his father steal fizzy lifting drinks and only avoid being chopped to pieces by a ceiling fan by accidentally realizing that burping will allow them to return to the floor.  All of the other kids are removed from the contest for violating the rules, but Charlie gets to skate- why?  Wonka knows he and his grandfather stole fizzy lifting drinks- Wonka loudly admonishes them for it later- but because Charlie returns the Everlasting Gobstopper that He Also Stole,  all is forgiven?  

What are the odds that a kid who lives within a few blocks of the factory would find a golden ticket?  Come on.

What are the odds that all of the other "winners" (pawns) would find ways to eliminate themselves from the tour?  In real life, absolutely nothing strange would happen during a tour of a chocolate factory- left with five kids, how was Wonka going to eliminate the four not named Charlie Bucket?  Probably through the use of that contract he had them sign without reading.

Lexus December to Remember: The Forecast is for Heavy Cringe, followed by Despair

 

Mere weather won't stop an army of rich white people in ridiculously overpriced LookAtMeMobiles from reaching their destination for the annual Family Celebration of Conspicuous Consumption,* and if the host imagined it would as he sat in his equally ridiculous mansion, well, more fool him.

In the end, all his rich relatives and friends show up right on time to step out of their 100k cars while wearing only the latest fashions.  Everyone is of course immaculately groomed and the guys especially look like they came right from the set of the Hallmark Christmas movie they were filming that afternoon.   It's all so gross and entitled and out of touch but it almost wouldn't be the holidays without these awful, awful commercials, would it?

*Imagine being the Black Sheep of this family who actually doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks of their ride, showing up in a 2014 Honda Civic Hatchback with 150,000 miles on the odometer and rust spots on the wheel wells.  Your relatives would probably let you use the garage so that passers-by can't see it.  Double win as you get to leave early the next morning while everyone else sits inside waiting for their running engines to melt the snow off their big stupid toys so they can go back to their own mansions. 

That AT&T "Joyous Bundle of Three" Commercial is a War Crime

 

...and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the comments are turned off.  I can only imagine how badly this disgusting thirty seconds of Awful was flamed before THAT happened.

"He loves that baby..." coos one of the morbidly obese "adults" in that hospital room.  I guess they can tell daddy loves the baby because he hasn't put his phone down to interact with it in any way, but instead is spending all of his time staring at a screen and talking about how he's "thinking about" bestowing gifts upon his extended family like he's a freaking Lord of the Manor or something.  I mean, listen to the language he's using.  Who talks like this?

"My pride and joy...." he muses, again as he continues to stare at his phone, which really does make me wonder what he's talking about.  Wait, is "his baby" that phone, or the infant the woman in the bed is holding?  I mean, I can see which is getting all of the attention here.  And now I'm thinking that the guy with the phone just came to the hospital to show off his awesome new tech (a "joyful bundle of three"- just kill me now) because he knew that's where his wife and parents would be for some reason- oh right, that baby.  

And his parents are delighted with the electronics, and think it's a perfectly appropriate time to be talking about an AT&T "bundle of three" because seriously how long can you stare at a newborn anyway?  How much connectivity does THAT thing provide?  Can you get an NFL streaming package on it?*  I think not.

*Or order Uber Eats?  I imagine it's been several minutes since these garbage bags with underused legs has consumed processed food.  

Some Hard Truth for the couple in this Kit Kat commercial

 

This is going to hurt, but it needs to be said, and please keep in mind that you both sound like you are still young and have time:  

You two have run out of things to talk about, and your time together has devolved into this....nonsense.  When you find yourselves talking about what part of a candy bar you like best, that's a sign that this is not going to work out.  Unless you both are dull as ditch water and find "conversations" like this endearing.  If that's the case, hold on tight and never let go, because your options out there are super-limited.  

Meanwhile, keep your voices down.  If anyone within earshot picks up this conversation, I give them permission to walk up and bat both of you upside the head.  Dullards.

This Amazon commercial is supposed to be heartwarming. It isn't.

 

What the world needs now is less manipulation from the planet's biggest slave driver since the East India Tea Company and the Congo Free State went under.....

So the janitor at this theater is a great voice and from the picture he keeps of himself in his locker he was a popular singer before his life went all to hell and he found himself sweeping up crap in a theater.  His fellow drones hear him singing, realize he has a great voice, and decide that if they come up with enough money to buy him a cheap version of a nice tuxedo on Amazon (probably from some Chinese company with a bizarre name nobody has ever heard of like "Wulful*" which makes nice-looking tuxedos that are 80 percent polyester, 10 percent Viscose and 10 percent lead paint chips that are guaranteed not to fall part until the second time they are dry-cleaned) they can exploit that voice for their own entertainment and maybe the theater's profit.   

All the employees get teary-eyed as this guy gets to stand on a stage again for a few seconds before scrubbing the men's room; when he gets his paycheck he'll be reminded that the singing was done during his break and he won't be paid for the time he spent getting in and out of that suit.  And oh by the way, the return window is still open so we'd like the suit back now, please.  

*An actual name of a company we've never heard of that sells cheap tuxedos on Amazon.

Lectric Bikes: Yes, but....

 

Full disclosure:  I am interested in buying one of these bikes, eventually.  That's why I got on their mailing list to be kept abreast of flash sales, etc.  

Here's the thing, though- in the four months I've been following the brand, I've been treated to ads for exactly the same sale, usually several times a week.  Lectric is constantly running "FLASH" sales that feature identical prices from before the "FLASH" sale.  For example:  every single week since at least early October, the standard foldable model has been "marked down" from $1400 to $999.  Same bike. Same price.  Every. Single. Week.

The only thing that changes is the title of the "Sale."  It's been a Labor Day sale- marked down from $1499 to $999.  Then it was the Halloween Sale, marked down from $1499 to $999.  It was a pre-Black Friday sale, marked down from $1499 to $999.  Now it's a Black Friday Sale, complete with countdown timer, marked down from $1499 to $999.  Oh, and supply is always limited, too.  Some colors are always sold out.  But the standard colors- white or black- are always available.  And always on "sale."

Give me a break.  I don't have the money to pull the trigger and purchase one of these bikes right now.  I might never purchase one.  But I'm quite sure there will be a pre-pre-Christmas "Flash Sale," then a pre-Christmas "flash sale," and finally a Christmas "Flash Sale."  Followed by the inevitable pre-New Year's "flash sale."

This won't go on forever, of course.  Wait until those Trump tariffs kick in.  They might actually force Lectric to sell their bikes at the "normal" price.  At least until pre-Easter.  We'll see. 

Cults are Welcoming, Too

 

Sometimes it's called "Love Bombing."  I prefer the term "misery loves company."

Sometimes the stupid, sloppy drunk is the most popular person at the party.  Making everyone else feel better about themselves, perhaps. 

In case you weren't already aware, you are more than welcome to join the "fun" of online gambling.  It's a very, very welcoming "community" of sad addicts eager for your participation in consuming their drug of choice.