Temu's "shop like a billionaire" ads are the unfunniest joke of the season

 

I guess "shop like a billionaire" is supposed to mean "shop like the price doesn't matter."  Which, yeah, I guess makes sense if you think that you can buy a dress of any quality for less than the thrift store is charging, or if you think that you can fill your one-bedroom apartment with decent furniture for the cost of one bag of groceries.  Just look at the AI-generated image, decide it looks good, and hit the BUY button.  In a few weeks it will show up fresh from a Chinese slave mill and won't look one bit like the thing you thought you were buying, but it was so cheap it's not worth returning and hell maybe it will be ok for one wear or a few months of use before it lands in the trash can (not the thrift store, because it doesn't qualify for the thrift store.)

Here's how billionaires actually shop- they go to the store and check out the item (or send an employee to do it.)  They buy quality stuff and get value for their dollar.  Impulse-buying junk is not something billionaires do (William Randolph Hearst was a famous impulse buyer, but he wasn't a billionaire.)  Impulse buying is not something that anyone with a lot of money does.  It's kind of why they have money.  

This is using an iPhone to do your Dollar Store shopping.  Instead of being seen at the Dollar Store, you get to buy the same garbage from the other side of the planet from your phone, delivered discreetly to your doorstep.  But it's still Dollar Store Junk sold at Dollar Store prices.  Which means, it's actually quite expensive considering the quality received.

But considering the rapid closure of every large department store in the United States, it's also probably the future of shopping.  So this is going to get worse before it gets better (it's never getting better.)  Good luck to all of us.

Thank the Supreme Court for these "Gambling is Fun" commercials

 

In 2018, the United States Supreme Court in a 7-2 decision struck down the Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act, opening the door to legalized gambling on all sports in pretty much every state just a few years later.  Today, the word "ubiquitous" does not come close to describing the presence of ads which encourage the development and indulgence in a crippling addiction that destroys finances and families in the name of "entertainment."

The average American holds about $6300 in credit card debt.  The average user of gambling apps holds about $15,000- more than twice as much.  Is that the cost of "fun?"

Do the people who watch these commercials think that Kevin Hart, David Ortiz, Jamie Foxx, LeBron James, and all of the other celebrities who line their already bursting wallets with blood money actually use any of these horrible, destructive junk?  Where do they think the money to pay them- and to create these ads comes from?  

And why do the networks adore online gambling apps?  Well, for one thing, DraftKings, FanDuel, BetMGM, Caesars etc. pump all kinds of wonderful, wonderful money into the pockets of ABC, NBC, CBS, Amazon, Hulu etc. not only by sponsoring ads, but also entire blocs of programming- pregame shows, halftime shows, postgame shows, etc.   Perhaps of even more value is the fact that getting viewers  to bet on individual stats keeps those who do glued to their sets even during boring blowouts.  Which means more ad revenue for Dr. Pepper and Budweiser and pharmaceuticals and the tiny handful of non-gambling-related commercials still purchasing time during sporting events.  

If I believed in hell, I'd at least find some comfort in thinking that at least these disgusting spokespeople for drug dealers are laughing their way there, but instead I have to believe they are laughing their way to only one place- the bank.  The guillotines can't be dusted off fast enough. 

Point of Personal Privilege: Willy Wonka was a scammer and his contest was rigged

 

The "five lucky children" thing was actually "one winner and four additional children who come along for the ride."  Charlie Bucket was always going to win the contest, and the factory, because for whatever reason, he was picked out by Wonka to win from the very beginning.

Think about it:

Slugworth- who is revealed to be an agent of Wonka's- is right there on the scene almost the moment every "lucky" child finds a golden ticket.  We don't see him whispering into the ear of the person who manufactured the fake ticket- because Wonka KNEW that ticket was fake without looking at it.  How did Slugworth get to the children so quickly?  He intercepts Charlie literally SECONDS after Charlie finds his ticket- HOW?  Obviously, the location of each ticket was carefully tracked by the Wonka Corporation, probably through some Global Positioning System created by one of the smarter minions enslaved within that factory.

When Charlie goes back to the candy shop for a second candy bar, the proprietor picks out the chocolate bar for him- "Why not try a regular Wonka bar this time?"  Why would he do this, unless he knew he was giving Charlie a bar with a golden ticket in it?  He was probably irritated that Charlie didn't pick the right flavor the first time, and that Charlie only bought ONE candy bar despite "finding" a dollar right outside the shop.  Obviously this guy was an agent of Wonka's.  

At the factory, all of the kids break the rules, including Charlie.  All of the kids pay a heavy price, except Charlie.  Charlie and his father steal fizzy lifting drinks and only avoid being chopped to pieces by a ceiling fan by accidentally realizing that burping will allow them to return to the floor.  All of the other kids are removed from the contest for violating the rules, but Charlie gets to skate- why?  Wonka knows he and his grandfather stole fizzy lifting drinks- Wonka loudly admonishes them for it later- but because Charlie returns the Everlasting Gobstopper that He Also Stole,  all is forgiven?  

What are the odds that a kid who lives within a few blocks of the factory would find a golden ticket?  Come on.

What are the odds that all of the other "winners" (pawns) would find ways to eliminate themselves from the tour?  In real life, absolutely nothing strange would happen during a tour of a chocolate factory- left with five kids, how was Wonka going to eliminate the four not named Charlie Bucket?  Probably through the use of that contract he had them sign without reading.

Lexus December to Remember: The Forecast is for Heavy Cringe, followed by Despair

 

Mere weather won't stop an army of rich white people in ridiculously overpriced LookAtMeMobiles from reaching their destination for the annual Family Celebration of Conspicuous Consumption,* and if the host imagined it would as he sat in his equally ridiculous mansion, well, more fool him.

In the end, all his rich relatives and friends show up right on time to step out of their 100k cars while wearing only the latest fashions.  Everyone is of course immaculately groomed and the guys especially look like they came right from the set of the Hallmark Christmas movie they were filming that afternoon.   It's all so gross and entitled and out of touch but it almost wouldn't be the holidays without these awful, awful commercials, would it?

*Imagine being the Black Sheep of this family who actually doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks of their ride, showing up in a 2014 Honda Civic Hatchback with 150,000 miles on the odometer and rust spots on the wheel wells.  Your relatives would probably let you use the garage so that passers-by can't see it.  Double win as you get to leave early the next morning while everyone else sits inside waiting for their running engines to melt the snow off their big stupid toys so they can go back to their own mansions. 

That AT&T "Joyous Bundle of Three" Commercial is a War Crime

 

...and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the comments are turned off.  I can only imagine how badly this disgusting thirty seconds of Awful was flamed before THAT happened.

"He loves that baby..." coos one of the morbidly obese "adults" in that hospital room.  I guess they can tell daddy loves the baby because he hasn't put his phone down to interact with it in any way, but instead is spending all of his time staring at a screen and talking about how he's "thinking about" bestowing gifts upon his extended family like he's a freaking Lord of the Manor or something.  I mean, listen to the language he's using.  Who talks like this?

"My pride and joy...." he muses, again as he continues to stare at his phone, which really does make me wonder what he's talking about.  Wait, is "his baby" that phone, or the infant the woman in the bed is holding?  I mean, I can see which is getting all of the attention here.  And now I'm thinking that the guy with the phone just came to the hospital to show off his awesome new tech (a "joyful bundle of three"- just kill me now) because he knew that's where his wife and parents would be for some reason- oh right, that baby.  

And his parents are delighted with the electronics, and think it's a perfectly appropriate time to be talking about an AT&T "bundle of three" because seriously how long can you stare at a newborn anyway?  How much connectivity does THAT thing provide?  Can you get an NFL streaming package on it?*  I think not.

*Or order Uber Eats?  I imagine it's been several minutes since these garbage bags with underused legs has consumed processed food.  

Some Hard Truth for the couple in this Kit Kat commercial

 

This is going to hurt, but it needs to be said, and please keep in mind that you both sound like you are still young and have time:  

You two have run out of things to talk about, and your time together has devolved into this....nonsense.  When you find yourselves talking about what part of a candy bar you like best, that's a sign that this is not going to work out.  Unless you both are dull as ditch water and find "conversations" like this endearing.  If that's the case, hold on tight and never let go, because your options out there are super-limited.  

Meanwhile, keep your voices down.  If anyone within earshot picks up this conversation, I give them permission to walk up and bat both of you upside the head.  Dullards.

This Amazon commercial is supposed to be heartwarming. It isn't.

 

What the world needs now is less manipulation from the planet's biggest slave driver since the East India Tea Company and the Congo Free State went under.....

So the janitor at this theater is a great voice and from the picture he keeps of himself in his locker he was a popular singer before his life went all to hell and he found himself sweeping up crap in a theater.  His fellow drones hear him singing, realize he has a great voice, and decide that if they come up with enough money to buy him a cheap version of a nice tuxedo on Amazon (probably from some Chinese company with a bizarre name nobody has ever heard of like "Wulful*" which makes nice-looking tuxedos that are 80 percent polyester, 10 percent Viscose and 10 percent lead paint chips that are guaranteed not to fall part until the second time they are dry-cleaned) they can exploit that voice for their own entertainment and maybe the theater's profit.   

All the employees get teary-eyed as this guy gets to stand on a stage again for a few seconds before scrubbing the men's room; when he gets his paycheck he'll be reminded that the singing was done during his break and he won't be paid for the time he spent getting in and out of that suit.  And oh by the way, the return window is still open so we'd like the suit back now, please.  

*An actual name of a company we've never heard of that sells cheap tuxedos on Amazon.