T-Mobile, the iPhone, Snoop Dog and Pat Mahomes set out to redefine the term "cringe"

 

All we need is for Stephen A. Smith and at least one of the Manning brothers to make an appearance, and I think we've got our Brick through the TV Set Bingo Cards all filled out.  

Seriously, it's like television WANTS us to hate these guys.  First, we've got Mahomes in every freaking State Farm commercial running roughly twice every break during every NFL or college football game.  Then we inexplicably have a freaking COLLEGE BOWL GAME named after a musician who hasn't had a hit in thirty years but has instead transitioned into the blandest corporate sellout since Eddie Murphy agreed to star in "Dr. Doolittle."  And then there's this ad, which is for a phone service, or maybe an iPhone, or maybe it's just a reminder that Snoop Dog exists outside the grotesque spectacle that was that bowl game or that Mahomes can appear on television without Jake from State Farm surgically attached to his hip.  

Well, if the goal was to kill off network TV once and for all and complete society's transition to streaming services, Mission Accomplished, I guess.  Because if the only way to get away from this brain-dead dreck is to sign up for every pay-tv option out there, well, I guess it's either that or give up on televised sports altogether.  Since I'm a miser, I think I know which way I'm going, but the rest of you are on your own.  

Taco Bell's "Negative Nelly" obvious rage bait is obvious rage bait

 

The next time I want to demonstrate the theory that companies will intentionally create ads just to tick people off and get them talking- even if the talk is 99 percent negative, even if the talk includes phrases like "worst ad ever" and "this makes me sick" and "I'll never use this product again," the theory is "if they are talking about us, it's a good thing, no such thing as bad publicity"- I'll show them this commercial. 

There is simply no way that "Negative Nelly" is not here to get people asking questions like "what was Taco Bell thinking" and "this is gross" and "not funny at all."  I'm sure we're going to get a few Fat Activists throwing in with a few legitimate-for-a-change points concerning the fact that Nelli is the only obese person in this ad and is acting like a disgusting cretin (it's not that she doesn't like the nuggets, it's the way she's expressing herself, being a crude, brassy cliche of a Fat Person on TV- in 1975.)  

Not noticed is the more sinister message- that if you don't like Taco Bell's chicken nuggets, you should just keep your fool mouth shut.  Or be ridiculed as a fat, gross, brassy pig in a Taco Bell commercial.  Don't be a "Negative Nelly"- if you don't like the nuggets, eat them anyway and pretend to like them, like a good little drone.  You know, like the thin, attractive people you are in a consumer testing group with for some reason. 

I suspect that his ad will get a lot of attention, almost all of which is negative, and the ad company that created it will receive a nice fat check from Taco Bell execs, who will then congratulate themselves on buying into the idea of being stupid and offensive for clicks and views.  I won't be boycotting Taco Bell since I wouldn't eat there if I was literally starving, but it would be nice if the company took even a little bit of a financial hit for subjecting us to this manipulative tripe.  I am not holding my breath though; Americans  are addicted to cheap, greasy non-food even more than they are addicted to smart phones, Buy Now Pay Later and Uber Eats.  We're doomed- and even that doesn't enrage me, really. 

ESPN bet- yeah, I guess I should have seen this coming...

 

This braying jackass is everywhere; he might as well be whoring for gambling addiction apps.  Stephen A. Smith is a little late to the party, but there's plenty of money still out there to be made off of what is currently America's favorite family-and-finances-destroying habit, and after all there's no money like blood money, is there?

Starting the New Year with the ultimate "Sure Jan" moment, courtesy of Toyota

 

"Welcome to Toyotathon...."

Response by what appears to be a human life form using a script from Nathan Pyle's aliens:  "we are taking her friends to the snow in a Highlander."  

First, how is that a response to "welcome to this sales event?"  Like, talk about cutting to the chase- "yeah yeah, we are taking New Car to Destination.  Sell us new car."  Second, why would Jan give a flying damn WHY you want a new car or what you plan to do with it?  She's there to sell you the car you want or, if you aren't sure you want one, convince you that you do and in fact can't live another day without one.  That's what car salesmen DO.  But you come in here with your daughter and her friend who is for some reason being referred to in the plural all decked out in winter clothing as if you've just stopped by to pick up the vehicle you need to "go to the snow" like you are dropping by McDonald's for a quick Happy Meal.  Dude, this is going to take some time.  At least take your jacket and scarf off.  You guys look like total dorks who have no idea how the process of purchasing a car works.  THIS IS GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.

And what would Jan know about "Human Friends" anyway?  She's spent the last decade or more sitting in that dealership with that stupid frozen zombie smile grinning like a mannequin and acting as if being the peddler of Japanese Imports has her on a constant dopamine drip.  What are you ON, woman?

BetMGM, and your REAL Second Chance

 

Never mind Jamie Foxx excitedly telling you that it's not quite time to pull the trigger or throw that noose over the rafters just because that third-string receiver didn't score a touchdown on his third reception during his fifth game after being claimed off waivers from the Panthers; if he scores a touchdown on his FOURTH reception, your bet will be honored (presumably.  See any number of "oops sorry we can't pay out Because Reasons" stories on YouTube.  The house always wins, even when it loses.)

I have better advice- listen to that tiny bit of common sense and rationality that hasn't been consumed by instant gratification internet connections and ultra-processed empty calories, take the real second chance, and delete that app you downloaded in a moment of stupidity weakness.  Like nuclear war, the only winning move is not to play.   Sorry/not sorry to end the year as the same kind of scold I was when it started, but this is getting so much worse than I thought it ever would. 

Get into Debt Mode

 

I am old enough to remember cigarette ads which celebrated the Total Awesomeness of Smoking.  We've had commercials encouraging the overconsumption of sugar, grease and starch for more than seventy years now and they've only gotten worse as the ultra-processed non-food we are pushed to eat has just become more ultra-processed and addictive.  

And in the last decade, media has become absolutely inundated with Gambling Is Harmless Fun ads designed to convince us that one particular addiction is no more dangerous than caffeine and maybe even less dangerous than that other addiction that drives us to impulse shop or get every other meal from Taco Bell (I might lose the rent money on a botched field goal attempt, but at least it won't give me diabetes!)  There isn't a pregame show for any sporting event that isn't heavily subsidized by one gambling app or another, and there doesn't seem to be a single figure in media who isn't willing to sell his soul face and public image to pitch this destructive nonsense. 

The silver lining is that when the number of gambling addicts reaches eight digits- which should happen sometime this year- it should have a significant, beneficial impact on inflation as the amount of money in circulation dries up dramatically.  Sure, I'll have to step over the bodies of financially broken gamblers to enter the store, but at least they'll have contributed toward Making Eggs Affordable Again.

Why does G-d have need of a Copay?

 

Seems to me that trusting your health care coverage to people who bleat "thoughts and prayers"* in response to every tragedy is the very definition of a bad idea.  Actual health care companies are terrible and all, but I'll trust them every day and twice on Sundays before I sign up for MediShare, Christian Health Ministries, or any other scammy non-insurance run by God-Botherers who want your money only slightly more than they want to ban abortion, gender-affirming care and Thinking in general.

*the Sirius XM radio commercial for MediShare actually says that if you call to sign up for coverage, their "community" will "pray with you."  Yeah, thanks but I can probably get people to pray with me WITHOUT paying a monthly premium for the "service."