I mean, we can't get enough of Stupid Clueless Men trying everything and failing badly every time. Why not as series of ads in which the guy tries and fails and it involves sports? (Weren't men obsessed with sports on tv five minutes ago? And now they know nothing about it?)
At least give us some backstory on this guy to explain his cluelessness. He was raised on the moon, for example, and has arrived on Earth in the last week and is trying to fit in. Right now, it looks as though he just never turned on the tv or interacted with any other males of his species until yesterday and is just trying to catch up. Because yelling "high tide" and not being aware that Oregon's mascot is a duck....wait a minute. Is this guy actually traveling around the country to show what an utter doofus he is? What is going on here?
The PF Chang restaurant next to my gate at Ronald Reagan National Airport was playing this ad pretty much nonstop for the hour leading up to my departure for Vermont for winter break. I actually thought it was a parody until I realized that the tv was tuned to some channel that probably thinks that One America Network is too Woke. The volume was not on, but I picked up some of the scrolling text- stuff about "standing up for America," being "prepared for anything" and "ready to stand strong" against--um, anyone who might challenge your right to own a stupid knife emblazoned with the name of your Dear Leader, I guess.
At first, I could understand why the tv was tuned to this particular channel on this particular day- it's the Saturday before the inaugural, and plenty of bloated, middle-aged white people with hard faces and empty heads were exiting from aircraft to spend a few days in a city they can't stand Because Reasons. But then I thought-- wait a minute. Don't restaurants at airport gates generally cater to DEPARTING flyers waiting for their flights to board? What percentage of people taking in any of the amenities at an airport are already at their destination? Who hangs around an airport after landing? It seems to me that PF Changs was providing right-wing media trash for an audience that simply didn't exist.
At any rate, my cold little heart was warmed a little bit at the news that the outdoor festivities have been cancelled due to impending bad weather- a Democrat Plot, no doubt, as the last time the weather forced an inauguration indoors was in January, 1985 when another great Republican was about to take his second oath of office. Poor, poor MAGA- whatever will they do without the opportunity to show their Orange Mussolini how much they love him by waving flags and signs on the mall? It's not like this crowd is interested in touring the Smithsonian, after all.
On second thought, I'm kind of sorry that the entire thing was moved indoors- it seems to me that Real Patriots like Trump America could have just toughed it out against the elements, keeping themselves warm by burning books in trash cans just like their philosophical forbearers did. Or just huddled in one giant mass of the Proudly Unvaccinated to start another COVID spike. Either way- Mr. Trump, please veto the figurative snowflakes who think that actual snowflakes should stand in the way of MAGA nation showing its pride and sharing its germs. Our nation's collective IQ will rise slightly, and absolutely nothing of value will be lost.
Eventually every recognizable figure from sports and Hollywood will be pimping for America's Favorite Life-Destroying Addiction, and when the fever passes (probably following an economic collapse which will briefly SPIKE use of gambling apps) all of these people should be booed off the stage, regardless of where or what that stage is.
Then I remember that I live in a country that just re-elected a grifting, treasonous sexual predator, and also that nobody is burning Larry David or Tom Brady in effigy for peddling a Bitcoin scam just a few years ago, and realize that all of these shameless hucksters will be just fine. There's no limit to our appetite for being kicked hard in the face. It's almost as if, deep down, we know we deserve it.
Imagine being this delivery guy. It's the NFL playoffs, which means it's a uniquely busy time at your place of work, which by the way will pay you your contracted rate if there's a lot to do and fire you as soon as business slacks off. At any rate, you aren't watching the playoffs from the comfort of YOUR couch. Not when there are pizzas to be delivered to douchenozzles like the guys in this ad.
So you get to your next delivery stop, and ring the bell while holding a stack of rapidly-cooling pizza and wings. Nobody comes to the door. You look inside, and you see two guys sitting in a huge living room watching a high-end HD TV, apparently engaged in some kind of conversation instead of just getting their delivery. You ring the bell again. The two choads on the couch keep talking; just because they pulled out an iPhone and opened an app and purchased thirty or forty bucks worth of pizza and wings doesn't mean that taking possession of that "food" is a priority.
So you just stand there, wondering if you've been punked or are at the wrong address. Presumably, they finally come to the door and may or not reward you with a tip and actual eye contact, but don't think for one moment that they are going to apologize for throwing you off schedule and making the next five stops on the route late and decorated by Karens who insist on discounts because their "food" is cold and will absolutely stiff you on that tip you kind of need to survive. Before you head home to the Basement Efficiency you share with two of your co-workers.
But it's all good because two jackasses in a suburban mansion too good to get off their damned couch to answer the door, let alone actually go out and get the food themselves, wanted to have a MENSA meeting over pizza or something. This is just gross.
There are actually people (bots?) in the comment section excited about the premiere of this show, which is a spinoff of Young Sheldon,* which is itself a spinoff of The Big Bang Theory**. It's like listening to people on Tuesday babble about how they can't wait to get home and reheat Monday's leftovers from Sunday's dinner. While it's heating up, I bet if they look hard enough they can find some stale crackers in the bottom of that box on the shelf, too. They can wash it down with that half-can of flat Diet Coke from the same Sunday dinner being reheated for a second time.
I used to think that the networks were intentionally creating shows like this to have an excuse to kill off the sitcom genre and run nothing but reality shows with whatever sporting events they can still afford to purchase away from Amazon, Netflix and Hulu. Now I'm convinced that the streaming services are actually producing these shows to get rid of network television once and for all. I mean, good riddance, but....I'm really hoping that the final extinction of network tv leads to a renaissance of reading rather than a wave of subscription purchases. They say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one....
*A very popular show I've never watched even once.
**Another very popular show I've never watched even once.
Funny how I've been hearing about the high crime rate and corruption and poverty in "Democrat Controlled Cities" but I have never once heard anyone point out the absolute desolation, despair and hopelessness that has consumed a state that is absolutely dominated from top to bottom by the Republican Party.
The entire state looks like this video. West Virginia is well above the national average in Unemployment, Crime, Drug Addiction (especially Meth,) and Poverty. West Virginians are also heavy users of the Affordable Care Act (but hate Obamacare, of course, and repeatedly elect legislators who reject the Medicaid Family Planning Program. Can't have fewer children living in poverty. Wouldn't be American.)
West Virginia gave 70 percent of its vote to the GOP candidate for President in 2024 while electing two Republican Congressmen, a new Republican Senator, and a new Republican Governor to work with the overwhelmingly Republican Legislature. Those people will continue to feed at the trough of government subsidies while flying American flags from their porches, Trump flags from their trucks, and proclaiming their independence from the Big Bad Government and it's Liberal Big Spenders who apparently still have all the power despite the Republicans controlling every branch. Did I mention that West Virginia gutted its public school funding decades ago?
The second largest industry in West Virginia (after coal, which is rapidly dying) is Tourism (which is rapidly dying.) It's getting harder and harder to get people to see Ignorant Self-Sabotaging Hicksville USA as a great place to explore nature when the few mining companies that remain are busy carving down the last of the state's once-beautiful mountains. The problem is that there are still plenty of stunning hikes to be had in the Appalachians of Pennsylvania and New York and North Carolina- you know, where there are still reasonable regulations preventing the total destruction of the wilderness for quick $$$.
West Virginia is doomed to go down with a whimper, not a bang. Heck, it's there already. Harper's Ferry is still worth a day with the kids. But that's about it.
