My Superbowl Party Survival Guide

 

During the at least fifty percent of the four hour Commercial Marathon With Brief Interruptions to Show a Football Game for Some Reason I will be wearing my air pods and will have my workout mix ready to go.  I'll be watching and listening to that actual sporting event that doesn't involve inserting Product Brain Worms through overproduced visuals and familiar names placed in intensely unfunny situations marginally connected to a fast food chain or insurance company, but when the ads start, I'll be cranking this mix up and heading outside for a six-minute walk.  

Hear that, Taco Bell, State Farm, Budweiser and whatever studio is getting ready to dump the next $300 million blockbuster in to the dying theater industry?  You've lost me before you've even started.  I'll probably comment on several of your ads later, but I won't be watching when you want me to- when you are dropping your eight-figure investment into the most depressing Sunday evening of the entire year that doesn't include a Yankee World Series Win.  

Oh, and this goes for the obligatory "Jesus Gets You" commercial.  Jesus doesn't get me.  I'm too fast for Jesus.

(Go Eagles.  Please.)

Taco Bell and the real cost of "Cravings"

 

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As Joe Friday would say, "Just the facts:"

The "Delux" Taco Bell "Cravings Box" (seriously, gag me) delivers this level of damage to your internal organs and blood:

110 milligrams of Cholesterol (37% of the RDA for an adult.)

70 grams of Fat (90% of the RDA for an adult.)

21 grams of Saturated Fat (105% of the RDA for an adult.)

2,750 milligrams of Sodium (120% of the RDA for an adult.)

And all at the service of satisfying a "craving" which may leave you satisfied for a few hours before you are ravenously hungry again because that "food" from Taco Bell had NO ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL VALUE AT ALL.  Leaving you a sad combination of sick, hungry and "craving" for more of the same.  

Seems to me that I just described an Addiction, not a "Craving."  

I thought drug dealing was illegal.  Then I see Taco Bell commercials and remember Oh Yeah, Capitalism.  Big Pharma is loving this.  

This Taco Bell Commercial is like that shower of meteorites 66 million years ago...

 

...you know, the shower of meteorites that foreshadowed the massive rock that ended the age of the dinosaurs.  

Stay with me on this:  A week from tomorrow most Americans will be engaged in the annual Watching of the Overproduced Overhyped Commercials Occasionally Interrupted by a Football Game.  All of the ads will have three things in common:  they will feature people we are expected to recognize and WILL recognize if we are In Tune With the Modern Era, they will be about thirty seconds longer than necessary, and they will have nothing to do with the actual product which may or may not be featured in the commercial.  I think this one features a Social Media personality- that's what is suggested in the comment section- but I don't know, nor do I care, because I'm not In Tune with the Modern Era.

A depressingly large population seems to enjoy these commercials; I'm even told that there are people who only watch the game FOR the commercials.  Personally, I think that they are by far the worst thing about the Superbowl and the main reason why I often don't even watch the game.  When I go to Superbowl parties, commercials are times to step out of the room, look at my phone, maybe try to engage in a conversation (which usually doesn't work because most people there want to take in the commercial.)  Actually I just go for the food and because I feel like I'm required to engage in national rituals now and then and one day a year seems about right.  

As for Taco Bell- well, this stuff is crap but so are people obsessed with their social media presence, so I guess this kind of makes sense.  If you think that Taco Bell is "food" you probably think that having a "following" makes you a "celebrity" and therefore "important."  So stay addicted to ultra-processed grease, fat, carbs and Attention from Strangers; probably better for you than Meth, anyway.

Tide Detergent Presents: the most boring family ever

 

Life's full of questions- and every single one of them revolves around stains.  At least, as far as this family is concerned.

This family is absolutely breathtaking in it's total lack of reasons to get up and face another day.  The woman comes in to the house with a big bottle of Tide on the TOP of her grocery bag, suggesting that either she did her own bagging or the guy who did hates her.  I mean, come on- nobody puts heavy bottles of detergent on top of groceries.  That's just stupid.  

From the moment she steps in the door, she's deluged with questions concerning laundry- if a color is "dark" or "light" (never in my life have I separated dark and light clothes; is that even still a thing?  I wash all my clothes in cold water, that's all.)  What should one use to get out chocolate (since the answer to all such questions is "Tide," because that's the detergent the insane woman who does the shopping and brings home crushed food every time she does purchases, it's kind of a mystery why they are even being asked.)  Does this family talk about anything else, ever?

Oh yeah- "do crabs have eyebrows?"  Probably not, but instead of sitting there with that stupid ugly perplexed face, you could look it up or at least ask Alexa, Idiot Mom.  But I'm guessing it's not lack of knowledge about crabs or eyebrows that has mom stumped.  It's just that the question has nothing to do with laundry and what's that all about anyway?  Ask how to get out crab stains, kid.  Stay in your mom's lane. 

That Ethos Life "Sweet Dreams" ad- because husbands are a dime a dozen, but this house is an appreciating asset, after all....

 

  

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/fzwT/ethos-worst-dream

"Honey, I had a terrible dream last night.  You were killed in a car accident!"

Oh my gosh, that's terrible.

"Wait, I haven't gotten to the bad part yet.  Jimmy and I couldn't afford to stay in the house, so we had to move!"

Wait, what?  Ok, so was the nightmare that I was killed in a car accident?  Or that my death caused financial hardship to you and our son?

"I was asking our neighbor about life insurance and he told me about Ethos, I think you should call and buy it today."

Well, I guess that answers my question.  Gee, if this was an ad campaign for Ethos Life, I wonder what they would call it?

"Sweet dreams."

No really.  What do you think they would call....oh my god, are you serious?

This Fanduel Manning Brothers ad is trying to convince us of three things

 

1.  The Mannings were in High School during the 1970s. 

I mean, come on. What's with the hairstyles?

These guys are in their forties.  They were in High School in the 1990s.  Give me a break.

2.  The Mannings think that gambling apps* are fun and actually engage with them. 

I'd bet (no pun intended) more money on Ice-T actually saving money with CarShield than on either of these guys actually gambling on sporting events.  That's really not something multimillionaires do.

3.  The Mannings will put their faces on anything if the money is right.  

We were pretty sure of this one already- and these ads just confirm that.  

*I'm told that what is being advertised here is a free game, which changes things not in the slightest.  Lots of drug dealers offer free samples to get people hooked out of the goodness of their heart.  "Free" offers like this are just gateways to addiction and the suppliers know it. 

Oh look, it's a series. We love those.

 

I mean, we can't get enough of Stupid Clueless Men trying everything and failing badly every time.  Why not as series of ads in which the guy tries and fails and it involves sports?  (Weren't men obsessed with sports on tv five minutes ago?  And now they know nothing about it?)

At least give us some backstory on this guy to explain his cluelessness.  He was raised on the moon, for example, and has arrived on Earth in the last week and is trying to fit in.  Right now, it looks as though he just never turned on the tv or interacted with any other males of his species until yesterday and is just trying to catch up.  Because yelling "high tide" and not being aware that Oregon's mascot is a duck....wait a minute. Is this guy actually traveling around the country to show what an utter doofus he is?  What is going on here?