Remember when the trend was to use dead celebrities to sell stuff? Remember Bing Crosby dancing on the ceiling with a vacuum? Martin Luther King images used to sell cell phone service?
Well, the idea is back and lamer than ever. This time, the dead celebrity is a dog.
I turn on my television, and there's Owen Wilson, attempting to open a bag of Purina Brand Puppy Chow while a little dog scampers about, getting in the way, and ultimately knocking the bag over and spilling it's contents all over the linoleum. Just in case you didn't see the film and don't know why Owen Wilson is doing a commercial for dog food, Wilson repeatedly refers to the puppy as "Marley."
Yes, Purina has apparently purchased the contract of one of the 27 dogs (no exaggeration, that's the number of different "Marleys" appearing in the film Marley & Me) America "fell in love with" a while back to make an appearance in a dog food commercial. Cute idea, huh?
The problem is- the dog dies at the end of the film. How can we be seeing Puppy Marley enjoying this Fine Product from Purina when we know the dog died at the end of the film?
What's next? Clint Eastwood as his character in Gran Tarino, in a commercial for Bud Lite?
It seems to me that once you've killed off a character in a movie, you can't use that character in a commercial. The character is DEAD. There aren't any "further adventures of Marley" to be exploited in commercials for dog food, squeaky toys, or anything else. He's DEAD.
Oh, and that means no sequels, either. Just a friendly reminder.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
"Drinkability? " What the hell does that mean?
I've been meaning for quite some time to post a few comments on the "Drinkability" Ad Campaign by Bud Lite. The very term is nonsensical- Bud Lite is not a solid, and it's not a gas, so yes, it's "drinkable." So what? Sure seems like damning with faint praise to me. I can think of a lot of "drinkable" products I wouldn't put in my mouth...
I assume that "drinkability" is Bud Lite's version of the "No bones" concept I encountered when I lived in Western New York, back in the early-90s. When I drank beer with friends, and the beer went down easy, we would say that there were clearly "no bones in this beer." What we meant (I think) was that we were thirsty and the beer tasted good. So I suppose that nowadays, we might say that the beer "sure is drinkable tonight." That is, if we wanted to be really, really lame.
Anyway, on to the commercial which finally convinced me that it was time to post: We see a bunch of twenty-and-thirty-somethings standing around at a backyard barbecue. A man and a woman, both holding a Bud Lite, watch as one of their fellow partygoers is jumping up and down on a trampoline. This guy's fun comes to an abrupt end when he lands too close to the side of the trampoline; the flimsy thing collapses, causing the jumper to crash into a table placed too close, and then finally to the ground.
The facial expression of the observers doesn't change one bit. The message is "Instability: Bad. Drinkability: Good."
Ok, a few questions for our friends at Budweiser: First, why is this adult man jumping up and down on a trampoline? Is he drunk, or just stunted intellectually? Second, is someone at this party going to put down their beer and see if the guy is badly injured? Every year, thousands of people suffer sprained ankles, concussions, broken bones and severe spinal injuries on these things. The guy in the commercial didn't just fall off the trampoline- he fell into a table with enough force to cause it to collapse. Why don't the two people watching seem to give a shit?
Finally- when are you guys going to get past the Lowest Common Denominator theory that it's funny when people get hurt? It would be just fine with me if we stopped using the misfortune of others as a punchline to giggle and snark at. I'm imagining that in the real world, one populated by Actual Human Beings, there would be a mad rush to this guy's side to make sure he isn't in need of paramedics. I hope to G-d that Bud Lite isn't promoting the kind of brutal coldbloodedness exhibited by the people in this commercial.
To conclude, let's revisit the whole "Drinkability" issue. Yes, Bud Lite is "Drinkable." So is tap water. Come to think of it, if you can't tell the difference between Bud Lite and tap water, you probably think that pretty much everything has "drinkability."
I assume that "drinkability" is Bud Lite's version of the "No bones" concept I encountered when I lived in Western New York, back in the early-90s. When I drank beer with friends, and the beer went down easy, we would say that there were clearly "no bones in this beer." What we meant (I think) was that we were thirsty and the beer tasted good. So I suppose that nowadays, we might say that the beer "sure is drinkable tonight." That is, if we wanted to be really, really lame.
Anyway, on to the commercial which finally convinced me that it was time to post: We see a bunch of twenty-and-thirty-somethings standing around at a backyard barbecue. A man and a woman, both holding a Bud Lite, watch as one of their fellow partygoers is jumping up and down on a trampoline. This guy's fun comes to an abrupt end when he lands too close to the side of the trampoline; the flimsy thing collapses, causing the jumper to crash into a table placed too close, and then finally to the ground.
The facial expression of the observers doesn't change one bit. The message is "Instability: Bad. Drinkability: Good."
Ok, a few questions for our friends at Budweiser: First, why is this adult man jumping up and down on a trampoline? Is he drunk, or just stunted intellectually? Second, is someone at this party going to put down their beer and see if the guy is badly injured? Every year, thousands of people suffer sprained ankles, concussions, broken bones and severe spinal injuries on these things. The guy in the commercial didn't just fall off the trampoline- he fell into a table with enough force to cause it to collapse. Why don't the two people watching seem to give a shit?
Finally- when are you guys going to get past the Lowest Common Denominator theory that it's funny when people get hurt? It would be just fine with me if we stopped using the misfortune of others as a punchline to giggle and snark at. I'm imagining that in the real world, one populated by Actual Human Beings, there would be a mad rush to this guy's side to make sure he isn't in need of paramedics. I hope to G-d that Bud Lite isn't promoting the kind of brutal coldbloodedness exhibited by the people in this commercial.
To conclude, let's revisit the whole "Drinkability" issue. Yes, Bud Lite is "Drinkable." So is tap water. Come to think of it, if you can't tell the difference between Bud Lite and tap water, you probably think that pretty much everything has "drinkability."
AT&T Doesn't Have a Monopoly on Hateful, Family-Unfriendly Commercials
A father sits in his living room, reminiscing. "I remember the day my daughter was born. April 7, 2003. I can't believe that it's been six years already." Ahhhh. What a sweet moment. Behind him is a glass door, and we can see that the room beyond it is filled with balloons. A pretty young girl rushes up to the closed door, and through it she yells "Hi, Daddy!" Then she's off again, to jump among the balloons. Daddy barely acknowledges his little girl.
"Yes, I sure do remember that day" Daddy continues. Then we see what Daddy is thinking about- the NCAA Final Four Championship game that took place that night.
This is supposed to be amusing- on the day that his daughter is celebrating her sixth birthday in the next room, Daddy is reminiscing about-- how Carmelo Anthony scored twenty points and won MVP of the tournament honors. Kind of makes you wonder where Daddy's head was on the day of his daughter's birth, doesn't it? Let's hope Mommy was thoughtful enough to give birth in the morning, so Daddy could run home and watch his precious basketball game.
I really, really hate crap like this. What we are being told is that every time his little girl has a birthday, this stupid moron is going to be reminded of a fricking college basketball game. And he's going to devote time to remembering it. Haha, isn't that funny. Isn't it amusing that daddy thinks more of a basketball game than his little girl. No, in fact, it's not funny at all. It's not original. It's just mean-spirited. Which, more and more, seems to be what the makers of tv commercials seem to be going for anyway. So I guess I should congratulate the good people at CBS for a Job Well Done. When I've finished choking down the bile, maybe I'll do just that.
"Yes, I sure do remember that day" Daddy continues. Then we see what Daddy is thinking about- the NCAA Final Four Championship game that took place that night.
This is supposed to be amusing- on the day that his daughter is celebrating her sixth birthday in the next room, Daddy is reminiscing about-- how Carmelo Anthony scored twenty points and won MVP of the tournament honors. Kind of makes you wonder where Daddy's head was on the day of his daughter's birth, doesn't it? Let's hope Mommy was thoughtful enough to give birth in the morning, so Daddy could run home and watch his precious basketball game.
I really, really hate crap like this. What we are being told is that every time his little girl has a birthday, this stupid moron is going to be reminded of a fricking college basketball game. And he's going to devote time to remembering it. Haha, isn't that funny. Isn't it amusing that daddy thinks more of a basketball game than his little girl. No, in fact, it's not funny at all. It's not original. It's just mean-spirited. Which, more and more, seems to be what the makers of tv commercials seem to be going for anyway. So I guess I should congratulate the good people at CBS for a Job Well Done. When I've finished choking down the bile, maybe I'll do just that.
Won't someone please smack this little prick upside the head?
It's an AT&T Wireless Commercial, which means we get to see the put-upon mom, struggling to convince her feckless, ungrateful, smartass family to use their "old" rollover minutes instead of new ones.
This time, the family is holding a yard sale- no doubt necessitated by the refusal of mom's thoughtless choad husband and kids to use old rollover cellphone minutes instead of "new, fresh" ones. A potential customer and her own son notes a bowl full of tiny clocks, which have come to represent the rollover minutes the family doesn't want to use because ewwww they are oooolllld. Naturally, the person who put the bowl of "minutes" up for sale is the asshat oldest son-- they don't belong to him, he obviously doesn't pay his own cellphone bill, but here he is, trying to dump the old minutes so he isn't "forced" to use them instead of fresh, "better" new ones.
The mother notices the bowl of "minutes" and cries out "No! These are not for sale! They are perfectly good minutes!" Dickweed oldest son remarks to the potential customer "mom's a little crazy about her antiques."
As mom explains that the rollover minutes work the same as new ones, and save money, her ungrateful jerkwad son rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Oh for the day when he's free of his mother and her totally lame, old-fashioned, money-saving ways and can blather and text away on "his" phone without worrying that he might be using "old, stale" minutes!
This kid doesn't need to be educated on the value of saving money, or a new, improved monthly cellphone plan. He needs a good kick in the teeth for the way he mocks and disobeys his mother in each one of these commercials. He needs his precious cellphone taken away and chucked into the fricking garbage, to be retrieved only when he's ready to go out, get a job, and pay his own god-damned cellphone bill. And most of all, he needs to be taught some respect.
I am so damned sick of commercials which show kids pitted against parents, and no one does them better (or worse) than AT&T. I hate to think that there are actually parents out there who exhibit the spines of jellyfish like this mom does, raising self-centered little monsters because they are afraid of not being "popular" with their children. I really want to see an SNL or MAD TV skit where the mom flattens her husband with a skillet (for his attitude in the "Milky Minutes" ad-- see January archives) or confiscates the cellphone from her jerkwad son (for his attempt to sell "minutes" at a yard sale.) The sooner the better.
This time, the family is holding a yard sale- no doubt necessitated by the refusal of mom's thoughtless choad husband and kids to use old rollover cellphone minutes instead of "new, fresh" ones. A potential customer and her own son notes a bowl full of tiny clocks, which have come to represent the rollover minutes the family doesn't want to use because ewwww they are oooolllld. Naturally, the person who put the bowl of "minutes" up for sale is the asshat oldest son-- they don't belong to him, he obviously doesn't pay his own cellphone bill, but here he is, trying to dump the old minutes so he isn't "forced" to use them instead of fresh, "better" new ones.
The mother notices the bowl of "minutes" and cries out "No! These are not for sale! They are perfectly good minutes!" Dickweed oldest son remarks to the potential customer "mom's a little crazy about her antiques."
As mom explains that the rollover minutes work the same as new ones, and save money, her ungrateful jerkwad son rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Oh for the day when he's free of his mother and her totally lame, old-fashioned, money-saving ways and can blather and text away on "his" phone without worrying that he might be using "old, stale" minutes!
This kid doesn't need to be educated on the value of saving money, or a new, improved monthly cellphone plan. He needs a good kick in the teeth for the way he mocks and disobeys his mother in each one of these commercials. He needs his precious cellphone taken away and chucked into the fricking garbage, to be retrieved only when he's ready to go out, get a job, and pay his own god-damned cellphone bill. And most of all, he needs to be taught some respect.
I am so damned sick of commercials which show kids pitted against parents, and no one does them better (or worse) than AT&T. I hate to think that there are actually parents out there who exhibit the spines of jellyfish like this mom does, raising self-centered little monsters because they are afraid of not being "popular" with their children. I really want to see an SNL or MAD TV skit where the mom flattens her husband with a skillet (for his attitude in the "Milky Minutes" ad-- see January archives) or confiscates the cellphone from her jerkwad son (for his attempt to sell "minutes" at a yard sale.) The sooner the better.
Another Debt-Reduction Scam, Ripped Straight from Today's Headlines
"Do you carry balances of $10,000, $12,000, even $15,000 or more on your credit cards? This is the perfect time to reduce or even eliminate your debt!"
What makes this the perfect time? "The Credit Card companies have just received $45 billion in bailout money from the government, and they must clear their books, once and for all." Wow, so CapitalOne wants to liquidate it's accounts, which makes it eager to settle my debt for pennies on the dollar, right? Right? And it's all because of "The Obama Bailout program" (yes, the President's name is actually used in the commercial) right? Right?
Um, hardly. This commercial doesn't even make a weak attempt at the truth. These scammers take something in the news that everyone has been hearing about but no one really understands and tries to use it to dupe the listener out of his money, and it's beyond shameful. Bank Of America provides credit to millions of people in the form of credit cards and debt-consolidation loans. Bank Of America is in the process of receiving Bailout money. This cash infusion from the US Government (courtesy of the taxpayers, some of whom are Bank of America customers, of course) does not mean that BOA is closing and wants to liquidate your debt for whatever it can get. There is nothing in the bailout agreement that requires BOA, or any other Credit Card Company, to "clear their books, once and for all"- absolutely NOTHING.
In fact, if the listener would just use his brain for a moment, he'd realize that forgiving debt for pennies on the dollar is the last thing that credit card companies need to do if they want to re-establish solvency. This commercial makes it sound as if BOA, etc. are basically larger relatives of that carpet store down the street which is desperately trying to liquidate it's inventory before it's lease expires. I'd like to be on the line when a customer calls BOA and "offers" to pay off 1/10 of his debt, "take it or leave it."
It's your debt. You took it on. No government program is going to force the credit card companies to forgive it. And all any Credit Card Counseling "service" that tells you otherwise is LYING.
What makes this the perfect time? "The Credit Card companies have just received $45 billion in bailout money from the government, and they must clear their books, once and for all." Wow, so CapitalOne wants to liquidate it's accounts, which makes it eager to settle my debt for pennies on the dollar, right? Right? And it's all because of "The Obama Bailout program" (yes, the President's name is actually used in the commercial) right? Right?
Um, hardly. This commercial doesn't even make a weak attempt at the truth. These scammers take something in the news that everyone has been hearing about but no one really understands and tries to use it to dupe the listener out of his money, and it's beyond shameful. Bank Of America provides credit to millions of people in the form of credit cards and debt-consolidation loans. Bank Of America is in the process of receiving Bailout money. This cash infusion from the US Government (courtesy of the taxpayers, some of whom are Bank of America customers, of course) does not mean that BOA is closing and wants to liquidate your debt for whatever it can get. There is nothing in the bailout agreement that requires BOA, or any other Credit Card Company, to "clear their books, once and for all"- absolutely NOTHING.
In fact, if the listener would just use his brain for a moment, he'd realize that forgiving debt for pennies on the dollar is the last thing that credit card companies need to do if they want to re-establish solvency. This commercial makes it sound as if BOA, etc. are basically larger relatives of that carpet store down the street which is desperately trying to liquidate it's inventory before it's lease expires. I'd like to be on the line when a customer calls BOA and "offers" to pay off 1/10 of his debt, "take it or leave it."
It's your debt. You took it on. No government program is going to force the credit card companies to forgive it. And all any Credit Card Counseling "service" that tells you otherwise is LYING.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Subscribe to Newsmax, Unless you want your family to DIE
Announcer: "The U.S. Department of Homeland Security advises that every American home should have an emergency radio."
"Homeland Security has advised all Americans that every home needs an emergency radio, in the event of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, electric power outages, and even terrorist attacks."
Newsmax.com cares so much for the safety of your family, the good people there want every American family to get this radio from their website for FREE, except of course for $5.95 Shipping and Handling. You also get four issues of Newsmax free. Then you get a renewal notice. Then you get charged $50 to have this fish wrap dumped into your mailbox for another eight months.
Then, my guess is, you get another renewal notice and another big charge on your credit card.
But even if the offer is completely on the level, it doesn't excuse the fact that Newsmax is using fear to sell their magazine: the message is "Look, the world is a very scary place. At any moment, your family could find itself in serious, serious trouble. If you don't have a crank-powered radio, you could DIE. Here's how to get one of these radios."
Even in the world of advertising, some things should be off-limits. I'm jaded enough to realize that we are never going to see an end to classic rock songs being used to sell hamburgers and cars, babies being used to sell tires, and sex being used to sell everything. But using the threat of another terrorist attack to sell magazines?? Come on.
Maybe my opinion of this commercial is colored somewhat by my opinion of Newsmax. Aren't familiar with the magazine? This blurb from the website should tell you all you need to know:
"Homeland Security has advised all Americans that every home needs an emergency radio, in the event of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, electric power outages, and even terrorist attacks."
Newsmax.com cares so much for the safety of your family, the good people there want every American family to get this radio from their website for FREE, except of course for $5.95 Shipping and Handling. You also get four issues of Newsmax free. Then you get a renewal notice. Then you get charged $50 to have this fish wrap dumped into your mailbox for another eight months.
Then, my guess is, you get another renewal notice and another big charge on your credit card.
But even if the offer is completely on the level, it doesn't excuse the fact that Newsmax is using fear to sell their magazine: the message is "Look, the world is a very scary place. At any moment, your family could find itself in serious, serious trouble. If you don't have a crank-powered radio, you could DIE. Here's how to get one of these radios."
Even in the world of advertising, some things should be off-limits. I'm jaded enough to realize that we are never going to see an end to classic rock songs being used to sell hamburgers and cars, babies being used to sell tires, and sex being used to sell everything. But using the threat of another terrorist attack to sell magazines?? Come on.
Maybe my opinion of this commercial is colored somewhat by my opinion of Newsmax. Aren't familiar with the magazine? This blurb from the website should tell you all you need to know:
Each month in Newsmax magazine you'll read hard-hitting investigative reports and special commentaries from Ben Stein, Dick Morris, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, John Stossel, Bill O'Reilly, David Limbaugh, James Hirsen, Thomas Sowell, Michael Reagan, Ronald Kessler, Christopher Ruddy, and many others.
Fox News commentator Dick Morris calls Newsmax "a must read" for every informed American. Nationally syndicated radio host Michael Reagan, son of the late President Reagan, says: "I guarantee that you'll love Newsmax magazine."
Am I surprised that a right-wing website would use fear of another 9/11 to sell magazines? About as surprised as I was to see the sun set in the West this evening.
What does the FCC have to do with Coins?
I just love (hate) these commercials for coin brokers-- you know, the ones with the extremely excitable "host" interviewing some clown about a "fantastic opportunity" to invest in Morgan Silver Dollars. These are a variation of a commercial from last year in which these two choads giggled gleefully about "Confederate gold coins found on a ship sunk in the middle of the Mississippi River." This time, their breathless excitement is all about Morgan Silver Dollars "discovered in the cellar of an Indiana farmhouse."
Ok, all this is fine. Anyone dumb enough to believe that someone bought time on nationally syndicated radio shows to try to sell a cache of coins stumbled across by accident is soon parted with their money anyway. But here's the part that really ticks me off: After the usual blather about "how you can inspect a roll of these beauties for free!" and "this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, isn't it?" garbage, I believe a line is crossed: One of the announcers says "The FCC has agreed to allow us to release these coins into the market for a limited time...."
Um, the FCC? The Federal Communications Commission? Seriously? Well, no, not seriously. The words "Federal Communications Commission" are not uttered in the ad. The FCC has nothing to do with the trading of coins. But "FCC" is the name of the company selling the coins.
So what's with this "THE FCC" stuff? I can only conclude that these hucksters are trying to con the listeners into believing that the Federal Government has put some kind of seal of approval on this whole deal. And that's not misleading- it's just plain false, and I can't believe it's not 100% intentional.
For the record--
1. The Federal Communications Commission deals with the granting of radio and tv licenses. It has nothing to do with regulating the sale of overpriced coins found in sunken ships or Indiana farmhouses.
2. These shysters badly NEED regulating, because what they are selling is rolls of readily available coins at shockingly inflated prices to people who think they are making an investment in valuable collectibles. And they are doing it by lying- even if they took out the "the FCC" line, I would love to see the evidence that any coins sold by this company were ever found in the hold of a sunken ship or in some forgotten Indiana basement.
A few more points-- these commercials never fail to describe the coins as "virtually uncirculated." What does this mean? Anything the seller wants it to mean, I guess. Also, we are told that we can "inspect" a roll of these "beauties" risk-free for thirty days. That means big Shipping and Handling charges, of course. And how does one go about "inspecting" the roll of coins? Want to bet that opening the roll means you OWN the roll, and the good people at "The FCC" are going to be billing your credit card for the full amount now?
I wonder how many calls The FCC has received from people angry about being scammed into buying coins at stunningly inflated prices. Hopefully, enough to turn the matter over to The Department of Justice.
Ok, all this is fine. Anyone dumb enough to believe that someone bought time on nationally syndicated radio shows to try to sell a cache of coins stumbled across by accident is soon parted with their money anyway. But here's the part that really ticks me off: After the usual blather about "how you can inspect a roll of these beauties for free!" and "this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, isn't it?" garbage, I believe a line is crossed: One of the announcers says "The FCC has agreed to allow us to release these coins into the market for a limited time...."
Um, the FCC? The Federal Communications Commission? Seriously? Well, no, not seriously. The words "Federal Communications Commission" are not uttered in the ad. The FCC has nothing to do with the trading of coins. But "FCC" is the name of the company selling the coins.
So what's with this "THE FCC" stuff? I can only conclude that these hucksters are trying to con the listeners into believing that the Federal Government has put some kind of seal of approval on this whole deal. And that's not misleading- it's just plain false, and I can't believe it's not 100% intentional.
For the record--
1. The Federal Communications Commission deals with the granting of radio and tv licenses. It has nothing to do with regulating the sale of overpriced coins found in sunken ships or Indiana farmhouses.
2. These shysters badly NEED regulating, because what they are selling is rolls of readily available coins at shockingly inflated prices to people who think they are making an investment in valuable collectibles. And they are doing it by lying- even if they took out the "the FCC" line, I would love to see the evidence that any coins sold by this company were ever found in the hold of a sunken ship or in some forgotten Indiana basement.
A few more points-- these commercials never fail to describe the coins as "virtually uncirculated." What does this mean? Anything the seller wants it to mean, I guess. Also, we are told that we can "inspect" a roll of these "beauties" risk-free for thirty days. That means big Shipping and Handling charges, of course. And how does one go about "inspecting" the roll of coins? Want to bet that opening the roll means you OWN the roll, and the good people at "The FCC" are going to be billing your credit card for the full amount now?
I wonder how many calls The FCC has received from people angry about being scammed into buying coins at stunningly inflated prices. Hopefully, enough to turn the matter over to The Department of Justice.
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