More Idiocy from our friends at Smirnoff

Here's another chapter of what I guess is a series of commercials entitled "What Morons Will Do When They Drink Enough of Our Product." In the first installment, we saw a crowd of clueless knotheads fill buckets of ice and bottles of Smirnoff Vodka, carry them up a hill, throw sheets of plastic on the ground and, when the sprinklers come on, hurl their bodies down the wet plastic, risking severe neck and back injuries in the process. "Be There" is the tag line.

In this second installment, the survivors of Commercial # 1 gather at what looks to be an abandoned gas station with about a hundred buckets of purple paint. They proceed to throw the paint everywhere- on the walls, roof, and even windows of the abandoned building.

As the sun goes down on the county's newest toxic waste dump, the crowd gathers inside the building and dons headlamps. A disco ball is suspended from the ceiling. Music blares, and everyone starts jumping around, and it's oh-so-freaking-cool to see the bobbing lights, especially when you are consuming bottles of vodka.

Here's the punchline- you hear a girl's voice exclaim "I can't believe I was there!" Hey, me neither, lady. I can't believe your life is so pathetically empty and shallow that you consider it some kind of SuperAmazing experience to have spent a day dumping paint everywhere in order to create a pitch-black room, and then spent the night jumping around in said room. Yep, that's something you'll want to tell your kids about, I'll bet.

Quite a summer these people are having. First, they get drunk and slide down a hill all night. Then, they get drunk and trash an abandoned gas station. I just can't WAIT to see what this group of go-getters does the NEXT time they get bored. I think, however, we can eliminate a few possibilities right away:

1. Volunteering at a soup kitchen
2. Taking mom and dad out to dinner
3. Going to a museum or library
4. Attending an AA meeting

The good people at Smirnoff are sure providing a public service, aren't they? Please, keep providing us Great Ideas on How to Stave off Boredom While Getting Shitfaced on Smirnoffs this summer. And providing me with great material for my blog. Next to McDonalds, you guys are my greatest assets.

Your One-A-Day Dose of Sexism

The commercial is for yet another "Specialized" One-A-Day Vitamin, (remember when there used to be ONE? Now there's One-A-Day for Men, One-A-Day for Women, One-A-Day for Seniors....) this one for the daily multivitamin needs of teens:

"One-A-Day Teen Formula has specially blended formulas to fit the special needs of both teen girls and teen boys: For girls, there's a formula to support healthy skin. For boys, there's a formula for healthy muscle growth...."

Um, excuse me? Teenaged girls don't care about healthy muscle growth? Teenaged boys don't care about healthy skin (then what's with all the Stridex commercials I've been seeing for years)?
Apparently not- I guess that when boys shop for a multivitamin, they think "which one will help me get stronger muscles to help support my growing body and skeletal structure?" and when girls shop for a multivitamin they think "which one will keep me looking hot, so I can attract boys?"

A few years ago, I saw an ad for the Sunday Washington Post, which included the line "there's something for everyone in the family." The "wife" in the ad said "I love the Style and Shopping sections," and the "husband" in the ad said "and I love the Front Page and Sports!"

Ugh, come on. Sexism in ads was bad then, and it's bad now. Teenagers of both sexes want healthy skin and strong muscles. There's nothing uniquely "male" about wanting healthy muscles, and there's nothing uniquely "female" about wanting clear, vibrant skin. The good people at One-A-Day ought to give this kind of stereotyping a swift kick into the ashbin of history. It won't be missed.

Moronic, Pointless, "We Are Out Of Ideas" Crap from McDonalds

Two people are sitting at a McDonalds, eating "snack wraps." For roughly thirty seconds, we get a series of grunts that I suppose are supposed to be alternating signals of assent ("MM-Hmm") and expressions of satisfaction with Said snack wraps ("Mmmm...") I don't know if this is meant to be informative, or interesting. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to stimulate the viewer to rush out and buy snack wraps, and then, instead of just eating the fricking things, try to carry on some level of conversation with other people shoveling fast-food grease down their cake holes.

Seriously, McDonalds. Thirty seconds of "MMM..." and "MM-hmms?" Thirty seconds of people acting like total choads? Thirty seconds of people grunting and mumbling as they eat a piece of food designed to be consumed in roughly that same thirty seconds? Because you think the general public is populated with idiots who:

1. Must let everyone around them know how much they are enjoying each and every damn bite?

2. Must try to continue to talk to people but must also continue to eat while doing it?

What happened to you guys? Is this the same company that gave us a series of iconic commercials in the sixties and seventies? The same company that invented an entire cast of characters- Mayor McCheese, Grimace, the Hamburglar- that a generation of Americans grew up with ? And now you give us "I've got serious hunger pains," people sticking their fingers into Not-Milkshakes, and grunting morons who nod at eachother for half a minute?

They don't make Ad Agencies like they used to, I guess. Another sad non-effort by McDonalds, which is getting more pathetic in it's sales pitches by the day.

These Guys Need to be taken off the air. And jailed.

"Breaking News on the Economy!" And there's President Obama, declaring that he's going to hit the issue of the deficit "head on" in a press conference. "News" scrolls across the screen- except that the "news" seems to include things like "L.Smith gets reduced payments" and "Linda K. debt cut 80%"- who are these people, and why are their names scrolling across the screen during this Important Breaking News?

Because it's not breaking news on the economy. It's a commercial for Credit Debt Services, and the people who made it are using the President's image and words to pimp their ripoff "service." Which is illegal. But they get away with it because the White House has better things to do than to go after these shysters. Too bad, because no company should be allowed to use a phony "breaking news" motif AND the words and image of a popular President to con desperate people out of their hard-earned money.

A huge fine at least is in order- and would send a strong message that this shit will not be tolerated. I'd endorse jail time too. These bums need to be slapped down hard- there's nothing more revolting than companies that prey on people who find themselves in a hole that they can't find a way to crawl out of. A nice first step would be for networks to stop running these pathetically misleading ads.

Can These People and their Milkshakes just Get A Room Already?

McDonald's "McCafe" (groan) Commercial # 1: Guy puts a huge cup of what looks for all the world like a hot fudge sundae to his lips, takes a sip ( I guess- for all the slow-motion action, he might as well just be pressing his mouth up against the whipped cream and then removing it) and then slowly pulls his head back, with this look of utterly-contented ecstasy on his face. This guy is going nowhere fast, that's clear. It's also clear that at this rate, it's going to take him roughly two hours to consume that milkshake.

(Oh excuse me, it's NOT a milkshake. It's a "Iced Mocha." It's coffee with cream and sugar. Topped with a mountain of whipped cream. Which is topped with chocolate sauce. But it's not a milkshake. Whatever.)

McDonald's "McCafe" Commercial #2: Woman sitting in the drive-thru with her own cup of whipped cream and chocolate sauce Which Is Not a Milkshake delicately and slooooooooowwwly dips her pinkie into the whipped cream and slooooooooowwwly puts it to her lips. Same virtual-orgasm look on her face as the first guy. She slowly leans back- and a long shot of her car reveals that she's in the drive-thru lane. What joy for the next person who wants to just pick up his damned greaseburger and get on with his life, having to wait for the woman in front of him to stop having sex with her damned not-milkshake.

Seriously, unless McDonald's is lacing these "coffees" (please- what are they, 20% coffee?) with something even more addictive than sugar, the reactions of these idiots is just ridiculous. How empty does your life have to be if just the right combination of sugar and caffeine renders you immobile with pleasure like this? Get dates, people.

And get out of the damned drive-in lane.

This Guy Just Weirds Me Out

Just a brief snark today, because it's been a very, very busy week- but who came up with the idea that a grotesque bald man with freakishly big ears and matching enormous glasses would make a good mascot for an amusement park? Every Six Flags commercial features this totally bizarre, ghoulish, animated zombie who is apparently supposed to make you think of water slides and roller coasters. I just don't get it.

My "favorite" Six Flags commercial shows a couple of preteens sitting in their yard, bored out of their minds. Suddenly the Official Six Flags bus shows up, and this frightening scarecrow man jumps out and starts dancing on the sidewalk, pointing to the open door of the bus. Yay, Six Flags! Goodbye, boredom! Here's the cure for the summertime blues: jump on to a bus driven by a total stranger who looks like he died several years ago! Or not.

When I was a kid, there was a character on tv called "HR Puffinstuff." During the credits of his show, Puffinstuff would successfully encourage two small children to follow him to a tiny boat, get in, and get propelled across the sea to a magical land. Even when I was young, I thought that the creep factor was very heavy in that opening- why would Sid and Mary Kroft encourage little kids to go off with interesting-looking strangers?

I can take the Six Flags guy a little less seriously, but still. If I were a kid under the age of six or so, this guy would totally give me nightmares. I just don't get how he's supposed to encourage me to go to an amusement park. And I hate to think of the mascot ideas REJECTED by Six Flags before they came up with THIS guy.

How We Know That Men Write All the AT&T Ads

A guy and a woman who is presumably his girlfriend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe. Two hot girls come walking by. The guy whips out his LG Shine from AT&T, holds it strategically at knee-height, and catches a photo of the hot girls as they walk smiling by.

Specifically, he takes a shot of their cute butts as they pass the table. Because girls just LOVE being ogled by strange men who are sitting with their girlfriends at outdoor cafes.

This guy's quick foray into public voyeurism is suddenly interrupted by a text message- haha, how hilarious, it says OMIGD U R A PIG and it's from the girl across from him at the same table!! And as if that's not funny enough, he gives her a "who me?" shrug and responds "What?"

And then she gives him the "my boyfriend is a total dickweed who has no respect for me, and my only response is to drop him a text and roll my eyes" bit. End of absolutely Hil-arious commercial. Thanks for the mirth, AT&T.

Ok, here are a few quick points: First, do girls really enjoy having strangers leer and then take quick cell phone pics of them as they pass? Second, did the girlfriend at the table have "OMIGD U R A PIG" saved as a template, to send to her dickweed boyfriend several times a day? And finally, what is WITH that "what are you gonna do?" helpless eyeroll from the girlfriend? Here's what you SHOULD do, you idiot: Grow yourself some pride, toss a glass of something very hot into this prick's face, and walk away. Because you are right, he IS a pig- a disrespectful, sexist pig who cares so little for you that he sees nothing wrong with snapping pictures of other girls in your presence. In fact, it would have been just as appropriate to see one of those passing girls toss the hot liquid into the moron's face.

There are a LOT of these "men are assholes, but that's just the way it is" commercials out there these days. Which suggests to me that the writers are all men-- or perhaps women with zero self-esteem.