"Let's play the Quiet Game," or "Do you ever think anything you don't say?"

The Worst Commercials I see are the ones that work off the theory that not only is anything worth thinking also worth saying, but that a whole lot of things NOT worth thinking are nonetheless worth saying.

Confused yet? Well, let's look at Exhibit A, which hit me over the head like a bag of bricks while I was innocently trying to watch the Vikings-Packers Game, otherwise known as A Night of Appreciating Bret Favre, Brought to you by ESPN:

Two guys are splayed ("sitting" just doesn't describe their posture properly) on a couch, presumably watching a football game. One guy takes a bite of his Snickers bar and mutters "Wow. My hunger is completely gone."

(Quick Note: Seriously? Your hunger is gone with ONE BITE? What are you going to do with the rest of that candy bar? Why doesn't Snickers just make the bar smaller, since it's so damned satisfying that ONE BITE eliminates the hunger?)

Not content for having interrupted his friend's tv viewing with such a lame-ass, pointless comment, Snickers Guy continues his investigation into the growing mystery: "I wonder where all that hunger goes?"

At this point, any rational human being wonders where his life went wrong, to lead him into a friendship with such a clueless, brain-dead lout. Instead, it turns out that Snickers Guy's friend is just as vapid and boring as Snickers Guy, as he proceeds to indulge Snickers Guy's journey into the mundane and pointless: "I don't know...Germany?"

I'm not even going to comment on the scene where we see a fat guy in suspenders and surrounded by empty plates screaming something about being hungry in mock-German. And you should be thankful, M&M Mars. I'll stick to analyzing how thick the oatmeal that passes for your brains must be if you find yourself having a conversation like the one these two choads have. These guys make the "Hunger Pangs No Pains" couple at MacDonalds look like the fricking Curies.

Is it the endless tv viewing? The Twittering and Tweeting? The constant playing of video games on cell phones? Or can we trace this lack of brain activity to posture- not enough oxygen getting up there, perhaps?

Of course, we know what the real answer is: the total lack of imagination we see demonstrated by the writers of commercials these days. The idiot who wrote this one had absolutely no idea how he was going to sell the audience on the current version of "Snickers Really Satisfies." So he decided to start with having a twentysomething slacker making a comment and asking a question that would make a five-year old blush. Once you buy in to the idea that two alleged grown-ups could be so bored that they would actually engage in conversation over "where the hunger goes," the rest writes itself.

I wonder where the Stupid went. Oh, there it is! In a commercial for Snickers!

My Questions for Tony Stewart

I don't care if Tony Stewart loves the Whopper.

In spite of my lack of interest, I learn that Tony Stewart loves the Whopper- loves it so much, in fact, that he's unwilling to participate in a Lie Detector Test unless he can do it while holding one to his side and slightly to the front, at mouth level.

I don't care why Tony Stewart loves the Whopper.

Again, my lack of interest doesn't prevent Burger King from telling me that it's because of the Flame-Broiled Taste. Or, at least, that the Flame-Broiled Taste is one of the things which explain why Tony Stewart loves the Whopper.

I don't care if Tony Stewart wears women's underwear. It's not a question I would ask Tony Stewart if I had him hooked up to a Lie Detector. And I have no reaction to the news that Tony Stewart apparently does wear women's underwear. I just don't care about Tony Stewart, period.

Apparently, I'm in the minority, because Burger King ends the commercial by encouraging viewers to send in questions they want Tony Stewart to answer, promising that he will answer (all of them? One of them?) in November.

I guess if I shake myself out of my apathy concerning All Things NASCAR, I would text two questions I would like Tony Stewart to answer:

1) Is there such a thing as Enough Endorsement Money?

2) Are you hoping to make enough money to buy back your soul someday?

Are we going to meet the extended family now?

Here's AT&T mom again, and here's asshole "I won't use old minutes" boy again, and here's silent-as-always younger son again, but something is different in this commercial. A new character has been added- Doofus Dan, a thirtysomething brother/cousin/Uncle/Who the Hell Knows Why He's Here who has joined everyone's Favorite Disfunctional TV family in the backyard for some reason.

Doofus Dan is chucking those stupid little clocks which represent "minutes" for his dog to retrieve. Mom calls him out on it, telling him to stop. Doofus Dan immediately launches into a Why Bother To Save Speech which I'm sure he was put up to by Asshole Boy, who spends the entire commercial sitting at the picnic table staring at Mom with this frozen half-smile on his face.

Mom then explains how the minutes are still valuable, blah blah blah we've all heard this a MILLION times over the past year, and Doofus Dan attempts to return to the pile the little clock retrieved by his dog. "You can use that one," she says.

I guess AT&T put together a few focus groups who agreed that we've seen enough of the endless, fruitless battle between Whiny Mom and Dickhead Son Who Won't Save Minutes And You Can't Make Him. So now they've introduced a clueless, overweight dumbass who has apparently been recruited by Dickhead Son to fight the battle for him. This works for me, if Dickhead Son recedes into the background until he ultimately vanishes altogether, because seriously, I've had more than enough of his stoned look and entitled attitude.

But, AT&T? Please stop here. Please don't show us the In-Laws next, or the neighbors, or grandma and grampa working to dispose of the family's extra minutes to the endless mortification of Mom. She's been through enough, and at times she really looks like she's going to snap already. And there's nothing especially compelling about this family that makes us wonder what their relatives and acquaintances are like, believe me.

Please, move on to a new storyline already. And if you can get GEICO to let you take their gecko with them, all the better.

"But I didnt' care for the way the contractor kissed my ass, so I'll give him only TWO stars...."

I find these commercials for Angie's List funny and infuriating at the same time.

Commercial #1: Customer tells us how awesome this woman she hired to clean her house turned out to be. She vacuumed, she dusted, she just did an amazingly awesome job.

BUT- she whistled the same song over and over again while she worked, and now, gosh darn it, the customer can't get that tune out of her head! "I could learn to love that tune" says the customer- but meanwhile, her stupid, thoughtless snark has set off a few alarm bells to the terminally anal among Angie's list browsers, and this cleaning woman has lost a few jobs. (No problem, that probably means she can be squeezed for even more work at lower pay in the future.)

Commercial # 2: Customer tells us how he hired a group of painters to repaint several rooms in his house. He tells us this story of how one of the painters stepped into a can of red paint and was picked on by the other painters, and he stalked off, leaving red footprints behind.

"They finished on time and on budget, but they are hardly professionals" this dick concludes. Oh, that's nice- they didn't act like fricking robots and had a bit of a spat, so despite the fact that they FINISHED ON TIME AND ON BUDGET, you are going to give them a low rating.

Commercial # 3: Woman talks about how she had a plumber working in her house, when she realized that she wouldn't get home in time to give her dog it's evening walk. So the plumber walked the dog up and down the street till she got home. "He really went above and beyond" the customer says.

This one strikes me as the funniest of all- she thinks there's something wonderful about her plumber walking her dog. I'd agree- if the plumber didnt charge her regular hourly rates for doing so. I would assume he did- after all, his time is His Time- except that I remember that there's this thing called Angie's List. All the customer had to do was to remind the plumber of Angie's List too- and it's easy to picture the poor guy walking up and down the street with the dog, scooping up it's leavings as they go, in order to avoid a bad rating.

And that's what pisses me off about this concept- I suppose there's nothing wrong with a web site providing reviews of plumbers, electricians, carpenters, etc.- but the commercials strongly suggest that Angie's List is an awesome way to beat these professionals about the head if they do ANYTHING to step out of line (whistle an annoying tune, step in paint) or if they aren't willing to go out of their way to kiss the customer's ass (walking the dog.) In a tough economy, I imagine it's a very effective gun to hold to the head of these guys.

Did the job you were contracted to do? Awesome- but you annoyed me slightly, so I'm subtracting a star. Don't like it? Jump for me, Monkey!

John Hancock: Because Nobody Ever, EVER actually TALKS anymore

Commercial for John Hancock: Bald, middle-aged man sitting at a table in what looks to be your standard Hot Spot Coffee Place is having a ridiculously LOUD "conversation" IMing someone, apparently his wife--

(LOUD MESSAGE ANNOUNCEMENT MUSIC) "Remember when we said 'When We Retire, Not If We Retire?"

Bald old man types "Yes."

(LOUD MESSAGE ANNOUNCEMENT MUSIC) "How do we get from "If" Back to "When?"

Bald old man leans back and looks out the window thoughtfully.

Is this really a conversation suitable for IMing? Is this couple so emotionally distant, is their relationship so badly stunted in it's growth, that they need to discuss their financial situation and retirement plans via Instant Messaging? Jesus Christ, they are just one step above texting- "So Do U thnk we gt the $ fr retrmnt?"

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like this is a conversation that grown-ups have face to face, not as an afterthought over the computer because they both happen to be in Hot Spots. We see the guy is having a leisurely cup of coffee, doggedly determined to take up an entire table at Starbucks all fucking afternoon if that's what suits him, because really, where would you rather be than a loud coffee shop? What's his wife doing? Is she home? Is she at work? If this guy is on a break (doesn't look it- he's acting like he lives at this place) why isn't she joining him? What are the odds that these people will actually remember to return to this subject when they are actually TOGETHER?

WHY are they discussing a MAJOR LIFE ISSUE via INSTANT MESSAGING over a PUBLIC WEB SERVICE??

Auggh, the stupid! It burns!

Celebrating Seventy Years of Product Placement!

This new Macy's commercial is just too much:

1. Show clip from Miracle on 34th Street- "Santa Claus" asks Adorable Little Girl "where did you get that pretty little outfit?" Girl answers "Here at Macy's!"

2. Show clip from Seinfeld episode featuring Mr. Pitt at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

3. Show clip from I Love Lucy featuring Lucille Ball gushing about how great Macy's is.

Ok, we get it. Macy's is a pioneer in the field of Product Placement. For seventy years or more, Macy's Incorporated has polluted your favorite films and tv shows with blatant commercialism (hell, Miracle on 34th Street is just one big, shameless ad for Macy's- the mid-80s E.T. ripoff Mac and Me was only slightly more obviously a commercial for MacDonald's.) Is this REALLY something we ought to feel all warm and nostalgic about?

Seriously- would Miracle on 34th Street been a flop if not for the CONSTANT references to Macy's? We might as well ask if Casino Royale would have been unwatchable if not for the ubiquitous appearence of Sony-Ericson Cell Phones (I swear, someone looks at or uses a cell phone roughly every ten minutes in that film- maybe it's a bad example, because if you cut out all the "let me look at my cell phone" scenes, the film is roughly 48 minutes long...)

Product Placement is not something I ever expected to see celebrated in tv commercials, so I should at least give Macy's points for originality. I'll certainly give them points for gall. And having seen a "thank you Macy for all the imbedded commercials" ad, I guess it's only a matter of time before we are asked to thank Marlboro for all the wonderful smoking scenes we've seen in films since the 1920s.

Hey, Lucille Ball can be in those, too, since she smoked like a chimney on her old show. Ah, the good old days!

Don't Tax Me, Don't Tax Thee....

Woman steps out of an SUV carrying plastic bags containing 2-liter bottles of soda. Apparently noticing the camera on her front lawn, she puts on this "damn it's tough living in this affluent suburb, driving this overpriced behemoth, and living in this opulent house" look before she begins her tirade:

"When Congress starts talking about another tax, that gets our attention. Now Washington is talking about a tax on juice drinks and soda. They SAY it will only be pennies, but those pennies add up, especially when you are trying to feed a family...."

Increasing the pissed-off scowl to maximum, Angry Suburban Mom snarls "Washington. DON'T increase taxes on juice drinks and soda." And with that, she enters her split-level palace, lugging the bag of what I guess are now Staples in with her.

Seriously? We're the fattest nation on earth. Our cheapest, most popular foods are drowning in high-fructose corn syrup. The cost to society in high medical bills, absenteeism from work, etc. is in the hundreds of billions. At the rate we are going, the government will be adding insulin to the flouride in our drinking water before the next decade is out. Our budget deficit is exploding, and our infrastructure is crumbling. Forty-seven million Americans can't afford Health Care. And Mrs. Pissed Off SUV Suburban Mom is warning Washington not to raise taxes on Mountain Dew because she's trying to "feed her family?"

Give me a fucking break. This is almost as bad as those "you're smoking more, and you're being taxed more, it's just not fair' commercials. I don't know if SUV mom smokes, but I do know she drives a huge gas-guzzler which probably has a Drill Baby Drill bumper sticker on the back. Judging from her righteous anger over the very idea that her family's precious carbonated drinks might go up in price a few cents, she's no doubt very comfortable with the idea that low-taxed syrupy-sweet fluids, which she refers to as "food," is her God Given Right as an American, and that any attempt by Congress to try to raise the price a few pennies is a good excuse to tune in to the Glenn Beck show and get the time and address of the next Tea Party.

When the hell are these morons going to grow up? Look, it's really very simple- we don't want to tax healthy food, like fruits and vegetables, because they are expensive enough as it is. We don't want to tax actual staples, like milk, eggs, bread, etc. But luxury items like cigarettes and soda? Taxing these is the very DEFINITION of fairness, because they AREN'T NECESSITIES.
No matter what Sneering Suburban SUV-Driving Mom says, you don't FEED YOUR FAMILY ON SODA AND "FRUIT DRINKS."

So yes, Congress- tax away on this junk. Tax Fritos and Cheetos and Pringles and Doritos and Kettle Chips. Tax Colas and Hi-C and Juicy Juice. Maybe if we tax them enough, people will be discouraged from poisoning themselves with this garbage, and we'll have a healthier society and economy. I'd gladly pay an extra dime for my Diet Coke, especially if I get to see Ms. Panties in a Twist's head explode in the bargain.