"No, Ma'am, I don't have ESP. I'm just an antisocial jerk."

First rule of salesmanship- do not reveal your utter contempt for the person you are trying to convince to buy your product. Remember, the customer has all the power until she has walked out of the store with your product in her cart. Acting like a total ass who doesn’t give a damn who she is or whether she buys what you are trying to sell is NOT the mark of a good salesman-however, I would take a moment to alert security that there is a crazy woman in the store who came in looking for shampoo but is now opening boxes and eating food she hasn't paid for. "I'll take a box?" Yes, you sure will, lady. That one in your hand.

Second rule of salesmanship- don’t be rude. I’ve never met a successful salesman who did what the guy in this FiberOne commercial does- insisting on interrupting the customer as she attempts to ask questions, treating her as if he wishes she would just get the hell out of his face and stop infringing on his personal space, and speaking to her through an upturned nose as if to say “Yes, you Illiterate American Monkey, there’s just as much fiber in this cereal as the box claims.”

Third rule of salesmanship- don’t let your customer know that you hate your job. The guy in this commercial looks and acts like a PhD discharged from his position at a prominent East Coast University because the administration and his fellow staff members simply could no longer bear to be around him- plus, there was that little “incident” with the coed. He looks and acts as if he’s just a few seconds away from murdering one of his lessors for daring to treat him as if he’s just a guy handing out free samples, and he wasn’t once one of the most brilliant physics professors to come out of Pakistan.

Fourth rule of salesmanship- Know your product. The less attractive it is, the better your pitch has to be. If you are selling pencil shavings stuffed with gluten that will create the sensation of having a rock in your abdomen if you manage to keep it down, you are going to have to come up with a seriously attractive ad campaign. The insufferable little knob who stars in this commercial acts as if Box O’ Twigs is something everyone loves to eat anyway, so his biggest problem should be keeping the shelves full.

Finally, FiberOne really ought to stop taking ad tips from Volkswagen- it really isn’t a good idea to leave your potential customers thinking “gee, what a dick” when the commercial ends.

You WILL be Assimilated

I bet this guy had dreams, once. I bet they didn't include growing up to be fat, balding patsy for Dominos, willingly whoring out his miserable life and his equally trailer park-ready wife and clinging spawn for a few seconds of "fame," such as it is.

I mean, just look at this choad. We are told that he's "one of the few holdouts" who have yet to try Dominos "new" pizza. Well, how DARE he not want to add to his already-likely spiking cholesterol count by chowing down on Dominos patented carbs, cheese, and sugar-laded tomato sauce, delivered right to your door so you don't even have to get off your expanding butt any longer than it takes to hand over the cash?

Maybe Scott realized that while the Rogaine didn't work, it wasn't too late to increase his intake of fruits, veggies and whole grains and cut out the processed crap, only to discover that his decision to actually consider what he's putting into his mouth means he's going to be harassed from all angles, with billboards and banners projecting a spotlight on the nonconformist until he joins the rest of America in the Land of the Morbidly Obese?

So which is it, Scott? Are you just a shameless loser who thought that America would enjoy watching you and your ugly family pretend to succumb to peer pressure and finally accept the fact that eating greasy, artery-clogging junk is What We Do Here in the USA? Or are you a guy who had just decided to turn his life around, only to be stalked by a pizza franchise until you agreed to shovel poison into your mouth while muttering "this is really good (and hopefully thought-bubbling "now please, I beg of you- get off my porch, before McDonald's learns I haven't taken advantage of their Two Triple Cheeseburgers for Three Dollars Deal- my doctor said that my next coronary will almost certainly be my last?")

Sucks to be you, parents of children age 5-10

Owen Wilson. George Lopez. Digitally created dogs doing things real dogs can't do. Digitally created dogs doing things real dogs do all the time- things we don't watch in real life and don't want to see on a giant screen. An hour and a half of dog-related "humor," including a fire hydrant/ scoop and poop jokes arriving, by my best estimate, roughly every four or five minutes.

Maybe you don't think your kid is stupid enough, and you decide to pour gasoline over his brain cells by taking him to see this unbelievably bad-looking pile of dreck. Maybe you think "aw, 90 minutes isn't very long- no matter how bad it is, it will be over before I know it." Here's a reminder- ninety minutes can, under the wrong circumstances, be a very long time. Imagine watching three straight episodes of "Hello, Dear."

Maybe you think you'll be spending time in the theater restroom- that will kill four or five minutes, right? And another ten minutes at the candy counter- best $20 you ever spent, because you are being spared having to sit there and watch Marmaduke do intensely unfunny things and listen to the kid you once thought might go to Harvard laugh hysterically at each and every one. And that kid being spared hearing from his father "you are not my son."

(Well, that's what I would say.)

Maybe you didn't pay attention to the trailer, so you thought that this would be a family-friendly, "sure it's manipulative and witless but at least it has a nice message" inoffensive way to spend an afternoon. But here's the message I got from the two minutes of pain I put myself through to create this blog post: Big dogs can't be trained. Moron dog owners who leave untrained big dogs in houses have every right to be outraged when that untrained big dog acts like...well, a dog. Oh, and Moron Dog Owners who aren't willing to train big dogs are perfectly justified in crating up that big dog and sending it away.

Animals are disposable. Yes, that's the message we should ALL want our little ones to absorb. Right?

I don't go to movies because the last two times I attempted to watch a film in a theater, I had to yell at someone to put their god damned cell phone away. For Marmaduke, however, I would give adults a pass. Text, tweet, and download away, people. I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures. Hell, feel free to take out your Flo TVs- maybe there's something good on. Sure, you paid to gain entrance into the theater- that doesn't mean you should be forced to watch this stinking pile of refuse.

But before you give in and toss your offspring into the back of the family SUV to head off to the local multiplex, ask yourself this: Wouldn't it be better to just say No, bring your kids to the park to see real dogs and enjoy some fresh air (keep your cell phone in your pocket- those kids will be adults before you can blink) and avoid in advance being bugged to take them to see Marmaduke II, III and IV?

"Eureka" This, you smarmy little prick

Why is this my least favorite of the apparently infinite "Eureka Moment" natural gas commercials?

Maybe it's the condescending smirk/half-suppressed laugh this guy opens his little monologue with- "Sure, Wind and Solar are important (snigger)....but (HELLO!) it's not always breezy and the sun....sets."

Thank you, Mr. Smug Non-Scientist. None of us were aware of these "drawbacks." I'm sure all believed that the wind is always blowing and the sun is always shining.

Maybe it's the "we need a reliable, consistent source of energy." Who is this "We?" Each and every one of these commercials comes packaged with the false notion that "America's Natural Gas" is actually America's Natural Gas- that if we just started drilling for it, when it came out of the ground it would belong to us, and NOT some massive corporation which would instantly put it on the world market, on sale to the highest bidder, JUST LIKE OIL IS NOW. Unless you are calling for the Nationalization of the Natural Gas Industry (and trust me, the people buying these commercials are doing no such thing) this amazing source of energy, which exists "right under our feet," will be as much "ours" as Saudi Oil is right now. And speaking of oil...

Maybe it's the fact that while wind and solar are constantly dismissed as Let's-Face-It-Really-Stupid-Nonstarters in these ads, oil never is. In fact, in most commercials, the weekend teapartier giving us his non-expert take on the situation remarks "we've got LOTS of oil...." (there's that "we" again.) Yes, and we all know how easy and cheap and safe it is to get oil out of the ground now, don't we? These guys couldn't make it more obvious that what they REALLY want is more drilling rights for oil, and oh by the way we'll be getting to all that wonderful natural gas sometime in the future...when it's practical....and that's when you can expect those hundreds of thousands of jobs, too. Right around the corner. And when we decide to go after that gas- that's going to be really easy, right? Not like collecting energy from wind and solar power. Just stick a straw in the ground, and out the gas comes, right? Right? I mean, at least you can drill when there's no wind and the sun is down- which makes oil and gas more practical, right? And besides...

"It's twice as clean as coal." Yes, and a Big Mac has fewer calories than a bucket of KFC. Is that an effective pitch for an All-Big Mac Diet? Really? Here's a tip- want to be taken seriously? Don't compare the "cleanliness" of your product to coal. There's almost nothing DIRTIER than coal. This guy looks about twice as smart as Sarah Palin. Tell him I said that, and see if he takes it as a compliment.

But I think it's probably the "Eureka Baby" this ass signs off with. Why "Eureka, Baby?" None of the other spokeschoads uses the term "baby." Is this the way the makers of the commercials think that young, hip black guys talk here in America? Should I just be thankful the guy isnt' wearing his pants around his knees, has a ring on each finger and doesn't punctuate his opening smirk with "Yo, Listen Up Dawg?" I mean, can we BE a little more insulting, "America's Natural Gas?"

I've seen about half a dozen of these horrible commercials, and they all rub me the wrong way because they all carry the same nasty message- "hey morons, the answer is right under your feet. Why can't you see it, retards? Wind and Solar? Haha that's cute, what are you, a bunch of tree-hugging Obama-voting Gore Losermans who want us to live in caves?"

And if you look really closely into the blue screen, I'm pretty sure you can make out the real message: "Drill Baby Drill."

Eureka, Baby.

The Whine of the put-upon Investor Class

"I thought investment firms were there to take my small contributions and convert them into mountains of money while I slept."

"If I had my way, Investment firms would take breaks from making me bucketloads of cash only to kiss my ass or shine my shoes."

"I don't see why I should be paying someone to take MY money and turn it into MORE money. I mean, what's that all about?"

"If I were Ruler of the Fucking Universe, Investment Firms would be knocking each other over for the chance to make me rich, not charging me just because it requires work do to this."

Anyone else sick to death of these whiny a-holes bitching because the investment firms THEY HIRED have the GALL to (gasp) CHARGE them for the work they do? I mean, I'm sure that these morons don't expect to get paid for the hours they spend doing whatever the hell it is they do to earn the investment money in the first place, right? Is it the 10% unemployment rate, and the fact that the average unemployed person in the US has been out of work for more than six months, that causes commercials featuring pampered Privileged Class assholes complaining about investment fees to drive me up the wall? Is it the very idea that I'm supposed to feel some level of affinity or sympathy for these idiots that sets me off?

If I had my way, when pricks like this smug little rodent walks into her boss's office to ask for a raise, she instead gets a speech about how much the CEO of his company wishes that employees would just work to make him money without expecting to be paid for their labor. "It seems to me that my employees could just work their asses off instead of constantly bothering me about things like salaries and working conditions."

"Investors Rule?" Is this the 21st century version of "The Customer is Always Right?" Isn't Schwab digging itself a nice little hole here- "we'll do it for you for next to nothing, really!"

Didn't Homer Simpson win an election as Garbage Commissioner with lines like this?

An open letter to Volkswagen

Dear Volkswagen,

I first noticed that "Punch Dub Days" had arrived back in March, and I quickly noted the ugliness of an ad campaign based on the "fun" experience of punching people in the arm. Well, I thought, at least "Punch Dub Days" won't last very long. And there have been worse sales pitches (though not many.)

But now we are three months in to watching people punch friends, neighbors, grandparents, children and innocent bystanders-- HARD-- each time using the excuse that one of your overrated automobiles- not ONE of which is an actual Volkswagen Bug- has just cruised by at a dangerous speed. And I can tell you that what was annoying in March has become downright nauseating in May.

Really, for how long do you intend to subject us to this viciousness? Do you really think it's funny or entertaining to watch grampa get socked in the nuts by his grandson as they wait for the light to change? To watch one passive-aggressive moron after another slam their fists into the person next to them, sometimes knocking them off-balance in the process? To watch a huffing and puffing pregnant woman take a moment away from measured breathing to listlessly slam her fist into her life partner's shoulder?

Do you realize that the actors in these commercials themselves seem thoroughly sick of this pitch? The punches are becoming heavier, more intentionally damaging, while the "Black Ones!' and "Red Ones!" are more and more formulaic and matter-of-fact. And the victims? They look ready to respond with a knife or a gun. And I can't say I blame them.

Can we please move on now? Violence is not funny. Your "Punch Dub Days" concept, harkening back to an earlier era of automotive travel in which Volkswagen made Bugs which looked different from all other cars on the road, was never a clever one. And now it's gone to seed. So please, spare us any further "let's watch people slam their fists into each other" commercials, ok? They aren't humorous, they don't make me want to buy one of your cars, and they don't leave me with a good opinion of your company. Quite frankly, they leave me angry and disgusted.

Please, let it go. We in the real world don't want to play your stupid, mean-spirited "game." And I for one am bored out of my mind watching cruelty played up as humor in your ads.

Sincerely,

Thiscommercialsucks@blogspot.com

You can actually HEAR your Arteries Harden

I’m willing to give a pass to the people carrying each other on their backs to “illustrate” something that doesn’t need to be illustrated to anyone smarter than a mentally ill box turtle. After all, I’ve been to IHOP once or twice, and my guess is that these choads approximate quite accurately the average IQ level of the regular customers. Especially since regulars are usually stumbling in at 3 AM drunk out of their skulls. I'm sure I've seen that guy bumping his head against the lights in the closing moments before- and his girth certainly suggests that he's no stranger to unhealthy food choices.

I’m even willing to give a pass to the casting of an implausibly beautiful, white actress to play the role of IHOP hostess. Doesn’t match my experience in any way, but hey, there are a lot of IHOPS out there. I’m not sure that there are a lot of lovely young women choosing to make minimum wage handing out menus to tipsy morons at 3 AM instead of walking through any of the many other doors open to them, but like I said, I’ll give this a pass to get to my main gripe...

Cheesecake between pancakes, covered in “strawberry” flavoring? Really? This “breakfast” would be only slightly more dangerous if it came with a nice hot cup of strychnine. And I’m sure that the people who order it are encouraged to add sides- bacon, sausages, hash browns, etc. ("all your favorites.") Very nice- a three-day supply of fat and calories on one big plate. Real time-saver.

And if you really eat this crap, you’ll need to save time whenever you can, because you haven’t got much to spare.

(I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt to the black guy who pauses for a moment with an overladen fork in front of his mouth- perhaps he isn't stunned by the sudden appearance of a Human Tower of Fat. Perhaps he's experiencing an epiphany- "what am I doing to myself?")

I know it’s not IHOP or KFC’s job to end the obesity epidemic all by themselves, but does that mean they have to be fighting on the other side? Pancake Stackers, Double Down Sandwiches, Super Sizing...I just don’t see how the promoters of good nutrition keep up. In a few decades, when triple bypass surgery becomes oddly routine and people end up selling their houses to pay for the treatment of medical conditions brought on by years of disgustingly gluttonous eating habits, will any of these restaurants be held culpable in any way?

Oh, who am I kidding. In a couple of years, IHOP will be selling us donut cheeseburgers and KFC will be promoting Buckets of Just Skin. And people will be wheeling in on their Segways to chow down. Sick.