Useful Idiots

I guess that here in the good old U.S. of A., there is an unlimited supply of people willing to pretend they don't know they are being filmed for "Hyundai Uncensored" commercials, cluck like chickens for Klondike Bars, or sing "Five Dollar Foot Longs," as long as there is TV face time and a few bucks involved. But you'd like to think that there is some limit to what people will say for a few seconds of fame and a little pocket money.

Apparently, there simply isn't. Because here is yet another in a long line of obnoxious, manipulative, bullshit ads paid for by the multi-billionaires over at the American Petroleum Institute, Proud Sponsors of your next local Tea Party and a major reason why we are hardly closer to a green economy now than we were thirty years ago, when President Carter installed solar panels on the roof of the White House and asked us to wear sweaters instead of bumping up the home thermostat.

Congress is considering billions in new energy taxes? API to the rescue, determined to preserve and protect it's God-given right to massive profits in the most American of ways- by purchasing Congressmen for large sums of money and everyday clueless slobs with far, far less.

Congress may let the Bush Tax Cuts- architect of the awesome economy we have right now- expire? Well, that' a tax INCREASE (if you make more than $250,000 a year), and how dare you imply that the people who most benefit from paved roads, libraries, police and fire departments, and a strong national defense pay more for those services? Better to invest money in commercials designed to convince the uneducated, fearful, easily-manipulated mouth breathers (I saw more than a handful of them at the National Mall yesterday, drinking in the words of their Lord, Savior and Financial Advisor, Glenn Beck) that THEIR taxes are about to go up. Far better to whip up the masses with the usual bleat "taxes bad, tax cuts good!" and herd them into the public square- or in front of the television camera- with ready-made signs and hats adorned with tea bags.
ANYTHING is better than to ask a small population of the super-wealthy to pay a slightly higher tax out of their unbelievably colossal profits. I mean, what is this, Russia?

But back to the idiots who populate this particular ad. Seriously, guys- have you no shame? Have you no souls? Have things really gotten so bad for you that you are willing to bleat BS off a cue card in order to get your bloated faces on tv and a few extra dollars in your pocket? Do you REALLY think that a slight increase in energy taxes is going to push the economy into the abyss?

Was there ever a time in your life when you valued your dignity at all? When you weren't for sale?

I think I'd rather see these people hitting each other

In a scene that will not remind you of Hill Street Blues, the chief of police warns his staff that the "Autobahn for All" promotion is underway again at your neighborhood Volkswagen dealer, so they'd better keep their eyes open, because people are going to be "driving crazy" in their incredibly mundane, cookie-cutter, looks-like-every-other car on the road German imports.

Ok, so what exactly is the message that Volkswagen is trying to sell us here?

That if you buy a Volkswagen, get ready to be profiled by your local police department as someone who "drives crazy" in it? Why would anyone want to drive a car which attracts negative attention of the police?

That is you buy a Volkswagen, you'll drive in a manner that police will think is "crazy?" Perhaps in a way that suggests that you don't get the whole "Closed Course" and Professional Driver" and "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer deal? Really? I've driven Volkswagens, and other than my 1974 Super Beetle, which kept me alert by freezing me to death in the winter and broiling me alive in the summer, the only emotion they've ever inspired in me is Boredom.

That the police in this ad are so sad, so depressingly dull, that they get excited over commercial clips featuring Volkswagens? I mean, come on- Volkswagens? Get out more, idiots.

And by idiots, I don't just mean the buffoons making a mockery of the Law Enforcement Profession by playing ADD-inflicted police officers in this advertisement. I also mean the people who created the ad. I don't know what the deal is over at Volkswagen's ad division, but it's nothing good. In the past year, you guys have tried a talking Beetle with a "German" accent making fun of Hybrids, a series of commercials featuring people yelling "black one!" and brutally hitting each other, and now "Autobahn for All," which is supposed to convince us that Volkswagens are wicked fun to own because you'll want to "drive crazy" in them, which will really piss off the cops, which is a good thing.

Anyone over there know what they are doing? Anyone at all?

This is just So Very Wrong

Ok, first of all, I can't be the only person out there who is thoroughly sick of the disgusting ageism displayed by these Just for Men ads. According to the makers of this crap, men who let their hair go naturally gray can pretty much give up any hope of dating, working, or getting laid, ever again. On the other hand, if you hide your gray hair, you are going to get dates, get great jobs handed to you by leggy women who "have big plans for you" (wink wink) and get lots and lots of sex.

Look at this commercial. The hot blonde, who apparently thinks it's the year 1955 and she's on an episode of the Andy Griffith Show, rings the doorbell and asks the unseen guy on the other end of the peephole if she can "borrow some milk." She's got an empty glass in her hand, which means that she either thinks this guy only lends out milk to people who can PROVE they are out, or he's got a cow in there and can give her a quick refill.

The slightly-gray idiot asks her to wait a moment- and proceeds to throw himself out the window. This part makes perfect sense to me- he's got gray hair, you see, and the moment the hot neighbor realizes it she's going to run away screaming, so he might as well just end it all now. Except, wait- he's not killing himself. He's going through preposterous, logic-bending lengths to hide his shame before handing over the milk.

The guy manages to get to a store, buy Just for Men Hair Coloring, get back to his apartment, color his hair, get the milk out of the fridge, and open the door before the neighbor notices that he's not responding to her "Is everything oks" or that it's been two hours since she first rang that doorbell. Hey, buddy- if she's this desperate to make eye contact with you, she's not going to care about those strands of silver in your hair, ok?

Naturally, the ad ends with the kind of nausea-inducing punchline that is the trademark of Just for Men- handing the neighbor her milk, the newly-presentable guy asks "anything else?" and gets a thoughtful lip-bite from Miss Patient-Desperate. Ugh. My guess is that we are supposed to imagine the girl jumping into the guy's arms at this point, turning this into a commercial for Axe.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm going to be at an age when a LOT of men have gray hair. I don't have any. Know what else I don't have? Hot girls offering me jobs or showing up at my place of residence asking if they can "borrow some milk." Maybe it's just me. At least if I had gray hair, I'd have an excuse.

Thanks for nothing, Just for Men.

The High Price of Instant Gratification

I'm going to do something a little different with this clip, because it would be way too easy to snark on Troy Aikman and Hulk Hogan shamelessly picking up a few extra dollars shilling for a company that preys on people with crappy or no credit. Instead, I'll note that Aikman and Hogan are really just the cute magician's assistants in an impressive act of Sleight of Hand- clearly, the viewer is supposed to be so distracted by the fact that a couple of washed-up familiar names are talking about Rent A Center to notice how truly horrible the "deal" being offered "for a limited time" is.

Rent A Center is so confident that you will keep your eyes on Aikman and Hogan that they feel perfectly safe in presenting the full financial details of the "deal" in not-so-very-small print for almost five full seconds on the screen. I'll do the work for you- you can rent this awesome 52 inch Sony HD TV for "only" $39.95 per week- that's the part these idiots keep shouting at us. What the little words on the screen tell you is that the television retails for $1599 (this is true, I confirmed it with a twenty-second Google search.) If you accept Rent A Center's "great offer," you'll shell out $4156 over the course of the contract if you want to own the television outright.

So you can save $39.95 per week and have enough money to buy the tv at retail in ten months, or you can rent at $39.95 per week for almost two years, and pay a markup of almost THREE HUNDRED PERCENT- but hey, if you rent, you get the television RIGHT NOW. Like Magic Johnson says in another ad, Rent A Center is all about getting you closer to your dreams, faster. Gag.

I'm going to wrap up this post by pasting a response I made more than a year ago to a question posed at the fine website RipoffReport.com. It may sound rather cold, but I don't think anyone can honestly dispute the points I made in it. The question was "why do people feel justified in complaining about Rent A Center's policies?"

Robert- it's because people with crappy credit see no reason why they should be treated differently from people with good credit.

It's because some people think that saving money and doing without for a while is for suckers.

It's because some people think that they have a "right" to televisions and nice furniture and laptop computers- and they have a "right" to these things at low cost.

It's because some people think that just because they signed a contract and agreed to a payment schedule doesn't mean that they should be held to that payment schedule- and if they are, the people holding them to their agreements are "harassing" them.

It's because some people think it's UNFAIR that just because they have a bad track record in paying their debts, no one will give them a chance to default on MORE debts.

In short, it's because some people are selfish, whiny idiots. Like the people who call Rent A Center a "ripoff."

Here's a clue: You don't need any of the things you rent from Rent A Center. You WANT them, you don't NEED them. If you don't want to make the payments, don't walk into the store and sign the paper. It's really very simple.

Will the people who drive this die amidst thunderous applause?

Here's a quick question: Why do cars need names? They aren't people. Are we supposed to think of them as pets?

Ok, I can buy the name Jeep "Wrangler." Nothing particularly offensive about it, just stupid. But Jeep "Cherokee?" What gives Jeep the right to use the name of an indigenous people? Are we going to see a "Jeep Irish" or "Jeep Chinese" someday? I doubt it. So why is "Jeep Cherokee" ok?

Oh, but then it gets worse, in my opinion. "Jeep Liberty?" What does buying a Jeep have to do with Liberty? I mean, besides the fact that Jeep Owners can pretend that they are rushing med supplies to a MASH unit instead of dashing over to Seven-Eleven for a Heat Lamp Dog during halftime (helps to have a "Support the Troops" bumper sticker, I imagine?) And "Jeep Patriot?" Seriously- "Patriot?" It's bad enough that an XM-Sirius radio channel featuring Mike Church, Mark Levine and Sean Hannity is called "Patriot Radio." Does that word mean anything anymore?

I understand that car companies are having a rough time of it these days- no, I'm not talking about depressed sales and competition from foreign manufacturers. I mean from cell phone companies, which create and market "new" products roughly every three days or so, each of which need to have a cool name like "Curve" and "Storm" and "Hero" (gag), all of which are subsequently no longer available for use with cars. I can't believe that we can't do better than "Cherokee," "Liberty," and "Patriot," though. How about "Waste," "Conspicuous," or "Poser?"

Actually, "Poser" sounds like the perfect name for a cell phone, too. Let's see who snatches it up first.

"Why do you feel compelled to rationalize our relationship?"

Here's another one of those "funny" Miller Lite ads in which the guy becomes tongue-tied and hil-ARIOUSLY inarticulate when his Significant Other attempts to get him to use the word "Love" in a sentence without the adding the words "this beer."

This time, the beautiful, long-suffering You Wanted this Relationship, So Live With It female is sitting with the guy in some park which allows the consumption of alcohol when she springs the "Why do you love me?" trap. Unable to come up with a suitable answer that doesn't reveal that he clings to her for sex and beer, this clown naturally stumbles around for a bit, tries to mention something about her hair, and finally falls flat on his face by throwing the question back to her.

She's ready for this. She quickly replies "you're my soul mate."

He's frozen. He answers "ditto," which on the surface doesn't seem to please her- but she doesn't get up and walk away, and it's hard to imagine that his ends the relationship. Which means that, just like all the other women in all the other Miller Lite commercials, she's going to cling to her choad like a tic to a raccoon.

I have a better answer for this woman. Several, in fact:

1. "What the hell does that mean, I'm your soul mate?"

2. "You love me because I'm your 'soul mate?' Well, what makes me that? The fact that I can't tell you I love you back? Have you always had these self-esteem issues?"

3. "You love me because I'm your soul mate? Doesn't that mean 'I've decided that we are meant to be together, so I'd better love you, or live my life in sad misery with someone I don't love?"

4. "If I'm your soul mate, why do I need to respond to your bullshit questions at all? Pour me another beer, soul mate."

5. "Are you honest enough to admit that if I had said 'you're my soul mate' first, you would have called me on such a lame-ass, meaningless, cookie-cutter response?"

Any of these would be far better than "ditto." But then again, who am I to criticize an ugly, inarticulate doofus who has somehow landed a hot bubble-headed enabler willing to overlook Disinterest in Commitment because she thinks he's her "soul mate?" I raise my beer to you, sir.

It Says "don't forget to breathe, and there's drool running down your chin"

This commercial would work as a parody. Because it's clearly NOT a parody, it's just another episode in the natural progression of the cell phone from luxury to convenience to More Essential Than Your Lungs.

Everyone in this ad has settled comfortably into a life of consulting their phones for all of life's answers. Where do I turn now? I'll ask my phone. What should I eat for dinner? I'll check my phone. What would the person sitting next to me- across the fucking table from me- like to do next? I'll check my phone.

Let's all spend our entire "lives" staring at a little glowing screen, afraid to move without getting the OK signal from some electronic brain we'll never meet, but would probably have a more fulfilling relationship with than any of those icky humans who insist on interrupting our phone time every day. Oh, and let's start really early, too- wouldn't it be great if YOUR kid didn't wake you up in the middle of the night because she thought that there was a monster in her bedroom? Wouldn't it be great if she could just call a stranger and get comfort there?

What the hell is the matter with us? How did it come to this? I have a cell phone. I use it to call people, and occasionally text. I don't ask it questions. I don't use it to download videos, or directions. I don't subscribe to twitter accounts because I can't imagine wanting constant updates of anyone's life. I think it goes without saying that I don't Tweet.

I don't use my phone to check out restaurants before I go to dinner, to buy or change plane or train reservations, or to see which amusement park rides have the shorter lines. Somehow, I manage to get to where I want to go without checking my phone every fifteen seconds. If these commercials bear any resemblance to reality, I'm in the minority.

Because it sure seems as if we are raising a bunch of pumpkin-headed, helpless, social misfits who think that life is all about the battery-powered security blanket they can't put the fuck down. I just wonder what relationships these idiots are going to forge with actual people, what kind of basic skills will never be developed because they've been told for years that The Phone Knows All, and how long they will be able to bear to listen to that marble rattling around their empty skulls during those fleeting moments when they have No Coverage.

Is this supposed to be funny, or inspire anyone to buy phones? I think it's just depressing. What a sad, pathetic, self-absorbed pile of putrid rubbish we are becoming, thanks to crap like this. And to think, only a few short decades ago, someone called television our vast wasteland. That person could never have imagined the kind of brain rot offered by today's super-fast, Do Everything But Burp You cellular technology.