This commercial has a camera in my head!

The disconnect here is AT&T's apparent misconception that when people are "using" their cell phones to text, surf the net, etc. they are actually USING them, and not just filling empty space in their equally empty lives. The misconception is that people who stare at cell phone screens are actually seeking information and not just trying to drown out the dull echo of nothingness that inhabits their skull. That they are trying to accomplish something, not just avoiding eye contact. That they are trying to get a question answered, not actively avoiding their children, spouses, and other fellow life forms.

Please, who are they trying to kid here? People who spend huge chunks of time staring at their phones are not victims of spotty service or slow connections. If they really are looking for specific info and find it a few seconds faster with this new phone, they'll just move on to some other brainless "activity" more quickly than they planned to previously (if the word "plan" has any application here.) I guarantee you that a phone which provides instantaneous, lightning-fast web access will cause people to cut back on their vapid, antisocial phone staring about as much as McDonald's Dollar Menu cut back on the consumption of cheeseburgers.

I do get what AT&T is trying to do here, though- people don't want to believe that they spend so much time staring at phones because their lives are so pathetically devoid of meaning and actual human friends. People don't want to believe that, left without their shiny toys, they'd be driven insane by their inability to form coherent thoughts about anything more deep than "I wonder what's for dinner?" I'm quite sure that nobody wants to admit that 99 percent of the time they spend on their phones is about as fulfilling and useful as a mouthful of cotton candy. And I'm also quite sure that there's a large audience of delusional morons out there who are capable of conning themselves into believing that if ONLY I could surf a LITTLE FASTER, I'd be able to get off my phone and have an actual conversation with an actual human being who is actually in the same room as I am. Just look at the vacant half-smiles on these zombies- they aren't doing work. They are just so devoid of personality and meaning and purpose that they can only find satisfaction and belonging with their phones.

The question is, what happens to these people when they purchase this phone-- and nothing changes? It would be nice to think that the hot girl in the teddy tells the asshole to take his phone and get the hell out. It's pleasant to imagine the little kid telling his dad to just stay the hell home and skip the ball game altogether next time, you useless prick. (The frustrated "here's a baseball to the head because you value your pointless surfing more than watching your son play baseball" is a good start.) It would only be justice if these worthless jackasses were just cut loose from society and left to waste their lives in sad isolation with their real loved ones, so we could stop pretending that what they really want is to put them away.

Meanwhile, back here in the real world, I'm not buying the "save us from our phones" line. For way too many people, it's an offer to "save us" from our security blankets or cloak of invisibility. I don't know anybody who honestly WANTS to be saved, because it's way too comfortable in that electronic womb.

Really.

Chevron's just like Santa Claus, if Santa were an environment-murdering self-congratulatory psychopath

"Chevron makes a lot of money. A LOT of money. I mean, you have no idea. Raping the environment has never been more profitable, and despite the rising cost of Congressmen, Senators, a President and the Media, we here at Chevron get to keep a whole lot of that money, thanks for asking.

We make SO MUCH money, in fact, that we have absolutely no problem dropping $21 billion dollars into 'local small businesses,' whatever the hell that means. Of course, plenty of those small businesses are Chevron gas stations, but isn't that beside the point? Those stations hire a lot of minimum-wage workers. Those are jobs that are important in this economy. Really. Just trust us on this one.

Yes, that's $21 Billion to local businesses, which did I mention creates jobs? That's a pretty impressive number for a company assessed at $166 billion, don't you think? Of course, I'm not going to tell you how long it took us to spend that $21 billion- considering that our last quarter's profit was "only" $3.7 billion, you can bet it's not a yearly amount, but if you want to believe it is, that would be fine.

Every penny of profits went into equipment, exploration, all that expensive stuff, which means that either I don't know what the word 'profit' means, or I'm actually trying to con you into believing that Chevron doesn't actually make a profit at all, but just rolls all of it's revenue right back into production costs. I'm just reading a script here, ok?

The bottom line is that we'd sure like you to shut the hell up now with your Greedy Oil Company Whining, and remind you that gasoline hit a national average of $4 not all that far back, and can again, if you don't show a little more appreciation. Now if you'll excuse me, we've got to get to work on discrediting the latest electric car. Driving a Leaf means you're gay, you know."

"Lean Forward...now turn. Keep your knees straight. Smile, damn it!, you're on MSNBC!"

This wall of noise and unconnected imagery, brought to us courtesy of MSNBC, starts with a spoonful of treacly nonsense- "from the time we are born, we really do know where we are going" (WTF?) and goes downhill from there. It would easy for me to dissect the blithering haiku-wannabee nonsense which makes up the narration of this condescending, self-congratulatory pile of rancid BS, but instead, I think I'd like to comment on MSNBC's entire "Lean Forward" ad campaign by pointing out how badly the network lives up to it's own sense of "purpose."

"Lean Forward" could, in fact, be nothing more than the advice Your Place for Politics gives to it's female co-hosts, Mika Brzezinski ("Morning Joe") and Savannah Guthrie ("The Daily Rundown.") As in, Lean Forward to get into the camera shot, Twist your body sideways, and Smile, Smile Smile while the camera is permanently trained on the Far More Important Male Host. Also- be sure to laugh at whatever the Wise Male Hogging the Camera says, bleat "Oh No!" and "I don't want to hear about this!" (Brzezinski may have trademarked these lines by now) and do pretty much everything short of pick lint off the shoulder of the Man in Charge Who Will Let You Introduce the Next Segment if You are a Good Girl and Behave.

"Lean Forward" to find out who MSNBC hired for the newest hour-long opinion program- that is, which middle-aged white male will be filling the slot you thought you might at least be interviewed for, you silly naive little thing, you. Haha, you thought that just because the network decided to cut out one of the reruns of "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" and put a live show on, it might go to someone other than Lawrence O'Donnell? Why? Because you thought you'd put in your time? Don't be silly. Now stop sulking and get back to chuckling appreciatively at Joe Scarborough's "witticisms" and latest "when I was in Congress" war stories. Unless your name is Rachel Maddow, you ain't getting your own show, honey. Sure it's not the 1950s anymore, but that doesn't mean you are ready for your own desk.

Remember, this is the network which carried on an almost personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2008, battering her relentlessly for her unforgivable refusal to concede defeat in the race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination fifteen minutes after the results of the Iowa Caucuses were reported. Do Brzezinski and Guthrie really think that the network which rhetorically asked Hillary "how many delegates does the state of denial have?" and had it's franchise player suggest someone "take Hillary into a room, and fix it so she doesn't come out" is going to give one of them a shot at the big time? Keep dreaming.

After all, while the network embraces Evolution as a tag line, everything in it's own place, all change in it's own time, right? We can't expect TOO much from a company which essentially closes down it's operations at 10PM on Friday night to give us marathon sessions of "Lock-Up," can we?

CitiBank again captures the spirit of the times

We've all been here, haven't we? Our Precious Ryan had a hard time learning French, so his mommy did the only natural thing- sent him to France for school! Of course, I mean, what else would she do? Hire a (snigger, condescend) TUTOR?

And it worked out so well- when Our Ryan decided he wanted to make an impulse buy, Mommy was able to instantly transfer funds to his account via CitiBank. Oh thank goodness THAT crisis was averted quickly. We all know what a pain it is to get much "needed" funds into the pockets of our pathetically over-indulged children now don't we?

When this kid isn't enjoying the almost unlimited determination of his parents to give Their Precious Ryan each and every little thing he happens to want at the moment, he's being distracted by cute girls in class- girls who can smell "mommy's Citibank Account" in the pockets of pampered little American snots from a mile away.

"I hope the language barrier isn't too much of a problem" muses Mommy (or something like that- please don't make me watch this again to confirm.) Oh don't worry, Mommy- I'm sure that Ryan will pick up enough words to get himself in the sack before he crashes through your Available Credit Ceiling, if in fact you even have one.

I don't know what I hope for more as a sequel to this disgustingly clueless ad, which simultaneously asks us to appreciate Mommy's electronic apron strings AND her son's willingness to take advantage of her Anything For Our Ryan attitude. Is it Precious Ryan coming back home with an adorable new French Grandchild for Mommy? Is it the pampered little prick arriving back in the US harboring a delightfully European social disease (I'm sure the required shots can be purchased via credit card, and they DO have an awesome health care system over there.)

No, I'll go with Ryan deciding to follow his cute new girlfriend to a quaint little hostel in the Carpathian Mountains, where he learns that Mommy's Citibank card won't save him from three days of brutal torture at the hands of millionaire psychotics, ending with his entitled little head being used as a soccer ball. Hey, it could happen. I saw it in a movie once.

Avoid the court battle over who gets the rubber scissors

Here's a really bizarre family of overgrown children who apparently live in a dollhouse and who for some reason put off writing wills. Maybe it's because they couldn't decide who the parents were (they all seem to be about the same age- forty going on twelve) or what they could possibly list as assets, since their whole world seems to be made out of painted cardboard, construction paper and props.

When one of them decided it was time to make a will, they had the good sense to realize that hiring an attorney was a bad idea- there are relationship issues which are so twisted that they really ought to remain inside the three walls that make up the weird fantasy world some of us live in. So they "went to LegalZoom," which means they took preparing for the Great Journey into the Land Without Finger Paints about as seriously as they take everything else.

"We wrote our will...Finally!" is accompanied with a truly cringe-worthy mock-strangling (it's always funny to follow sober discussion of death with your son- or is that the father?- putting you in a headlock, isn't it?) and an even more uncomfortable burst of laughter. One of my biggest pet peeves in modern advertising- the unnecessary, unjustified laughter. We see it in Olive Garden commercials a lot, usually following some spectacularly mundane comment about endless pasta, but at least Olive Garden commercials aren't INTRINSICALLY about dying. WHAT is so funny about the Old Folks (again, all the "Vargos" look the same age to me) writing a will?

Anyway, these weird child/adult hybrid people are really, really odd. But who am I to judge- maybe I wouldn't be as Amazingly Normal as I am if I lived on the set of Barney.

It's even better than being there, because I get to use this shiny blinky thing

"My family always keeps me busy, so sometimes I forget to do things like lock the freaking door? Seriously? How pathetically helpless can one person get? And when I blame my family for my inability to perform simple tasks without the use of complicated electronics, don't I sound a lot like the woman in that luxury car commercial who starts the story of how she fell asleep at the wheel and nearly killed herself and the child in the back seat by explaining to the audience 'my son was fast asleep..?'"

"Isn't it time for me to just admit to myself that I don't really 'need' any of this Big Brother is Watching You crap, I just like to find ways to flush away money, especially ways that involve pushing little buttons and watching streaming video? I mean, for how long will my friends and coworkers buy the idea that I just don't feel safe unless I can check out the view from my screened porch while I'm supposed to be in a board meeting?"

"And while I'm at it, for how long am I going to be able to rationalize using 'the people I trust' to spy on the people I don't trust? I mean, my 16-year old daughter is already plenty pissed that she is being watched from the moment she enters the house to the moment I get home, and she's not buying the whole 'it's for your own safety, like the nice man on tv says' bit."

And how long will it be before parents everywhere are using this "service" to cut the childcare budget and just leave the "supervising" to these wonderful electronic eyes? After all, just KNOWING you can whip out your phone and glance at your front lawn, your garage and, time permitting, your unattended children is just so gosh-darned comforting, isn't it?

"My family always keeps me busy. Sometimes I have to check on them two, even three times a day. Thank goodness for modern technology."

Thank Goodness it's still the 19th Century Somewhere!

Ok, I think I get it now- Somehow, all these unrelated scenes featuring glassy-eyed idiots singing some tuneless piece of crap of a "song" form together to create a commercial for everybody's favorite corporate vulture, Arkansas-based but China-dependent Walmart. It took a while, and a few viewings, but now I understand that the message is that a gigantic box store dropped smack in the middle of what was once a nice little cornfield or park is exactly what we all need to make our lives a little bit better. Maybe it's the lead-based toys and brand name electronics. Maybe it's the deep discount clothing. Maybe it's the- oh hell, Walmart sells everything, so what's the point?

Here's the point: Walmart efficiently brings the fine work of 10 million Asian minors to your neighborhood, where it can all be found under one convenient roof. Thanks to Walmart, the regrettable abolition of slavery in the United States doesn't have to mean high prices. Slavery, after all, wasn't really abolished- it was just exported. For people without an imagination, that might be an obstacle. But not for the wonderful people at Walmart. Shop as if downtown New York is still America's sweatshop district- just because you can't smell the stench or see the exhausted, starving, desperately poor and utterly out of hope workers, doesn't mean they aren't there, working for You to provide all those Little Things which put a song in your heart and a cheap phone in your cart.

So hooray for Walmart for allowing us to buy just a little bit more, at no real social cost- at least, not any that we can see. Makes you feel all warm inside, doesn't it?

Look- it's bad enough that most Americans couldn't give a damn where all this cheap crap comes from, or even how Walmart sucks the life's blood out of communities by driving small stores out of business and depressing wages. But damn it, do we really need ads featuring people SINGING about a corporate monster which feeds like a tapeworm on innocent, helpless kids on the other side of the planet? Have we no shame at all?