A Slim Step toward Honesty in Advertising

Remember back in the 80s, when it was "Give us a Week, We'll Take off the Weight?" Remember all those commercials where women (no men, ever) would talk about how darned EXCITED they were to be replacing meal after meal with Serve Very Cold So You Can't Taste It cans of Carnation Instant Breakfast disguised as some great diet breakthrough? Remember how they tried so hard to convince us that you could get a "full feeling" that "lasted for hours" by drinking 12 ounces of chocolate milk?

Well, it's a new century, and let's give the people at Slim-Fast a little credit. They've finally admitted that no, those cans of Basically Nothing are no more filling than a cup of Yogurt, and yes, your ears will be ringing with hunger roughly 30 minutes after consuming one. So instead of being angry at being lied to all these years, we're supposed to just say "thank you" and buy this NEW product- Slim Fast Candy Bars, designed to keep us Slightly Less Famished For Real Food for up to four more hours!

Super. An hour after guzzling your overpriced can of sand and milk, you can "enjoy" a rice cake laced with enough sweetener to trick your brain into thinking you are eating something resembling a food product- almost.

Since all of this really does nothing except constantly remind the user that he or she is ON A DIET and therefore REALLY HUNGRY ALL THE TIME, may I make a small suggestion? Forget the Magic Pill diet "food" crap and spend that money on whole grains, skim milk, and veggies instead. Whole grains have this really cool way of making you feel full BECAUSE YOU ARE FULL. They don't leave you desperate for something further to eat ten minutes later. Carrots and Celery do the same thing. And here's a bonus, which you probably don't care about- these things are REAL FOOD which is GOOD FOR YOU, and it's stuff you can eat for the rest of your life, not just until you've dropped the weight.

Just something to think about before you walk out of the grocery store with your cart filled with Slim-Fast Fake Food Products- Slim-Fast shakes, bars, cereal, etc. etc. ETC. But heck, it's your money. And your sanity.

I'm a total void, but that's ok because my Ancestors were awesome!

There's absolutely nothing significant about me, or my life. In fact, my life is so incredibly devoid of meaning, I spend roughly a third of it clicking "refresh" hoping that something will show up in my Gmail and obsessively checking my Facebook page for Notifications.

Then one day, I heard about this website called Ancestry.com. I heard that it involves a lot of typing and clicking, and that's right up my alley. So I went to the site and started typing in the names of my mother and my father and my grandparents. And just when I was getting kind of bored, I found a leaf! Wow, a LEAF!!

Naturally, I clicked on it. And there it was- my grandfather's uncle's old library card!! You can bet I printed that up fast! Then I kept going- and more leafs popped up! I started clicking, and I found all kinds of fascinating crap- did you know that one of my second cousins twice removed was a good friend of Dwight Eisenhower's barber's best friend? Or how about this- MY Great-Grandfather once lived within fifty miles of Wendell Willkie's tailor's mother!

Nobody ever told me any of this! It may be because it's inane, trivial, seriously-who-could-possibly-give-a-flying-damn bullshit. Or it may be because my family likes to hide things from me. I've often suspected that I'm adopted.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah- about 16 hours in, I hit a snag. No leaves! So I typed in alternate spellings, imaginary addresses, and finally started to just pull names out of old movies. When I typed in "Atticus Finch," I got more leafs! Thank God, because I was THIS CLOSE to actually getting up off my butt and doing something!

Well, I ended up learning so very much about my family that I never knew or even imagined I could ever possibly care about- like, one of my ancestors wore this really funny hat. And I had another relative who took a train to California once. WEIRDNESS!!

And all it took was Ancestry.com, a hefty subscription fee, and four straight days in front of the computer obsessively clicking and printing away. Sure my back hurts pretty much all the time now, and living on cheetos and diet coke for 72 hours isn't for everybody, and everyone I know runs screaming from me whenever I approach with my cardboard box of Really Cool Information I Found, but it was sooooo worth it.

Because now I know I'm Somebody. Or at least, someone in my family once was Somebody. Maybe I didn't defend Tom Robinson from a trumped-up rape charge, but I'll always be remembered as the person in my family who cared enough to use up his personal days gathering up all this awesome data. I bet that gets me my own Leaf someday!!

Remember, you don't have to know what you are looking for. You just have to start looking. Why? Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't the slightest idea.

Oh right, I forgot- because you're online anyway. And no one wants to chat with you on Facebook.

Ok, tell me that this little pile of nothing is a "successful" ad

Two worthless dicks who can't be bothered to keep their suburban land monster on the highway or streets instead drive the damn thing into the middle of the desert, dress themselves as Indiana Jones wannabees, and spend a day trampling over wildlife in the desert. Lovely.

And the hi-LARIOUS punchline comes when these jerks can't find where they parked their Subaru Outback, no matter how many times they shatter the peace and quiet of the desert by pushing the "lock" button on the key remote (I'm sure that all hikers in the area appreciate the little reminder of suburbia, assholes. But just in case, don't forget to crank down the windows and blast your favorite "music" as you exit nature and make your way over to the Golden Corral for a few hours of "comfort food" after your day of stepping on lizards and poaching cacti.)

Of course, the showroom-shiny SUV (yeah, it looks like it's been sitting in the middle of the Mohave for hours. Of course it does) is sitting right behind that rock. Of course, the two glue-sniffers can't find it because...well, because they are really, really stupid. They've got this $30,000 SUV, but I've got an $80 wrist GPS- guess which one of us going to find our car?

I have two suggestions for Subaru- first, stop being so cheap with your ads. I'm sure these two "actors" earned next to nothing, but really, Paul Hogan is probably still available for not much more. Second, please give us the Conclusion to this "funny" slice of life- I'm thinking bleached bones, being picked at by vultures.

But that's the same suggestion I gave to the music industry when I was harassed with the video for Shania Twain's "That Don't Impress Me Much." They didn't listen, either. So I'll just finish up by pointing out to Subaru that every single comment on this video posted on YouTube refers not to the car being advertised, but to the stupid song in the background. Well done, Subaru- you've created a demand. For a stupid song.

So much to hate, so little time to post. Thanks for Nothing, Sprint!

Good lord, what is going on in this commercial?

We've got what might laughingly be referred to as a "family" sitting around the table in a disturbingly bright, unnaturally clean suburban mansion-- I guess they are eating dinner, except this lifeless, pale group of zombies is clearly so drained of life that all they can do is mumble questions softly in between texting away on their stupid phones.

This is a seriously sad advertisement for Sprint's Now Network, apparently set sometime in the very near future, in which people can only communicate through Facebook posts and Tweets even when they are sitting two freaking feet away from each other. This would be downright heartbreaking, except....why would anyone want to communicate with these people AT ALL?

Husband: "you just posted on your Facebook page that your parents are moving in with us?" (The parents would be elderly people sitting at the table....either they are drunk, or this is what long-term exposure to these life-sucking dickweeds does to you...)

Wifey gives the usual "Oh don't worry, it didn't cost me anything to post that" bs which is standard for these hateful, smoking piles of excrement which pass for "commercials."

And now it gets REALLY creepy-- bloodless, Has Obviously Never Seen The Sun And Has Zero Interest In Doing So Daughter gets a tweet from mom announcing that Grandma and Grampa's corpses will be occupying daughter's room. Mommy, with all the warmth and understanding of Joan Crawford- or maybe Elly Patterson- offers to help her put together a tweet which expresses her feelings on the subject. What the HELL is going on with Mom here? Why is she acting like she's got a gun in her ribs, or is one broken dish away from painting the house with the blood of her relatives? Why do I suddenly suspect that this family does not want to know dinner's Secret Ingredient? Why do I worry that this woman has gone running for the shelter of her Mother's Little Helper just one time too many?

Sprint- why do you insist on showing as your primary customers such THOROUGHLY DISTURBED PEOPLE who are clearly SOCIOPATHS who desperately NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP? Are you telling us that only amoral sub-humans would want to use your service, or that using your service turns people into amoral sub-humans? Because based on your commercials, I can't see any Option C.

Look, guys, you've won: Based on my daily observations of life in this Year of Our Lord 2011, a large segment of the population can't find it's way out of the driveway without consulting a cell phone. I see far more texting and cellphone yakking than I do face to face conversations. See that white flag? That means we give- Society was a nice experiment while it lasted, but it's over now. We are a nation of the Walking Dead, and our number one goal is to avoid eye contact while reducing all communications to typed characters on a screen.

So why can't you be good winners, at least, and stop subjecting us to this hateful trash?

The Starting of a Brand New Debt

"Blueprint." "Split." "Chase what matters."

"We've figured out that cute buzzwords and catchphrases have the awesome ability to cloud the mind, dull the senses, and convince you that there's something radically different about this particular credit card."

"Oh, and graphics that make you think that this credit card is as fun to use as your I-Phone."

I'll admit, I don't get what Chase is trying to sell here at ALL. As near as I can tell, this is what we are being told- if you buy a cup of coffee with your Chase Sapphire Card, you may choose to pay that debt off right away "to avoid interest." (Yes, because the last thing you want to be stuck with is 9% interest on a $1.70 cup of Joe from your favorite pretentious coffee stop.) But for BIG purchases- say, a piece of rock you plan to use to seal the deal with your girlfriend- you can choose to pay monthly.

Um, ok: How is this any different from EVERY OTHER CREDIT CARD OUT THERE? Back when I used to carry a balance, I DISTINCTLY remember having the option to pay it off all at once, or monthly. I could also calculate how many months it would take to pay off the balance, and I've never even HAD a Chase Sapphire Card with Split and Blueprint and bouncing graphics! How did I manage THAT?

I also love the "available only to Chase customers" line: In other words, the "benefits" of this card (and I still can't figure out what they are) are available only to card holders. Good to know, Chase.

Since I can't for the life of me figure out how pushing imaginary buttons on a credit card makes life any easier- or debt any more manageable- maybe I should just finish up by suggesting that this guy's love interest might want to rethink the idea of marrying a guy who uses a credit card to buy a freaking cup of coffee. Because the only really GOOD way to manage debt is to STAY OUT OF IT. And one simple step in the process is to pay cash for stuff like cups of coffee. It's amazing how low the interest rate is on purchases you make with cash; these morons should give it a try.

Meanwhile, one more time! "Split!" "Blueprint!" "Chase what Matters!" Ahh, gotta love the world of advertising. All about the buzz words, all the time.

More fun from the Golden Feed Bin

For the second time in only eight days, I'm compelled to post on the disgusting, uniquely American phenomenon that is Golden Corral and it's Celebration of Gluttony Ad campaign.

I'm going to be especially mean-spirited with this one, because, come on: That woman does not need to be sitting down to a dinner of bacon-wrapped sirloin, ok? Hey lady, see that husband you are trying really hard to make a widower? See those little kids you apparently don't care to see graduate from High School? Heck, see that expanding waistline of your own? Notice how you can't even see the freaking scale anymore, let alone keep track of your expanding girth? Ever hear of the freaking Body Mass Index?

What's next? "Who's got chicken- dipped in beer batter- fried in butter and onions- wrapped in bacon and sausage links- served with all the hush puppies I can eat- for about ten dollars? 'Cause we're HUNGRY!"

Oh, and that "punchline"- what the hell?

Whale...errr, wife: "Ten Bucks??"

Husband: "That's hot!"

Talk about not even trying. I can only hope that the camera cut away before it could register the reaction of those two poor kids- embarrassed cringing, wincing, and glances around the "restaurant," praying that none of their friends see them sitting at the same table with these "witty" pigs who at least twice found each other attractive enough to engage in sexual intercourse.

(I'd also like to point out here another annoying theme in Golden Corral commercials- the insistence of the ad men in portraying a "typical family" as having a son who looks like he'll be a carbon copy of Dad, and a daughter who looks like she'll grow up to be the spitting image of Mom. I really hate that.)

Hey, maybe that's what Golden Corral's real purpose is: to create a nation of flabby, ugly thirty-somethings with so much heart damage that breeding has become out of the question. Either that or a race of human-cow hybrids with four chins and no taste buds. Take your pick. I just wish these people would get a sitter instead of passing on their self-destructive habits to the next generation.

Saving your way into the poorhouse

There are so many of these Chase Sapphire commercials, and they are all so forehead-slapping stupid, that my guess is that I will be snarking on several of them over the coming weeks. I would just hate to leave any of them out.

In this logic-twisting episode, a guy is "plagued" by his stalker/brother's confusion over the "benefit" of using a Chase Sapphire Debit Card. Seems the stalker/loser has decided to become a poster boy for the saying "a little information in the hands of an idiot is a very, very dangerous thing" and because he gets cash back on every purchase, is determined to purchase everything, including things for the object of his...err, sibling rivalry?

Yeah, this makes lots of sense. I get a couple of pennies back every time I buy something with my card? Get out of the way, I'm going to use my card to buy stuff I don't even need or want! Because it's all about getting those pennies! Not only that, but I'll feel convinced that I've pulled off some kind of coup if I can buy stuff for YOU with MY card, because haha I've nailed down those pennies for ME, sucker!

Do I really have to explain how incredibly dumb this is (especially the final scene, where the guy who has just had his gasoline purchased for him acts as if he's been bested, AGAIN?) The guy with the lightning draw with his Chase Sapphire Debit Card can follow me around anytime, ok? I'll even play along, acting irritated if not downright infuriated at his ability to beat me to the punch and pay for my purchases before I can get my own card out. Darn it, I've been cheated out of my pennies again! Here's a fist wave for ya, buddy!

(And oh, by the way, I sure HOPE you don't show up at my next stop- I'm on my way to Penny's to buy a new suit. You'd BETTER not pull this over there. I'm WARNING you!)

Seriously- why can't MY brothers be this stupid? Maybe in real life they are too busy buying hundreds of dollars worth of junk over at Best Buy in order to nail down those $10 gift cards? Maybe because they aren't the products of inbreeding (seriously, what's with the 'Dueling Banjos' bit?)

Ugh, the Stupid. It burns. Especially when it comes in the form of a glowing blue card, wielded by a clueless idiot.