Is there a FreePregnancyReport.com?

The parents of this girl should count their blessings.  They handed her a credit card which was apparently in her name only, so when she went on a massive spending binge, they didn't have a clue.  No warning calls from the credit card company, no "suspicious activity" alerts.  Clearly they didn't bother to have the "now this is just for emergencies, we are putting a lot of trust in you because you are an adult now" speech.  And apparently Daughter got the only bill.  Otherwise, I don't get why the people who provided this girl with a credit card would have to go to FreeCreditReport.Com in order to find out what was happening with that card.  Seems to me they could have just called the bank anytime to check the balance. 

Anyway, it seems that the parents were almost astoundingly naive about their Little Girl, not to mention foolishly careless with their own credit, and the only price they'll have to pay is in the form of money.

So why should they count their blessings?  Well, check out this girl- she's actually quite cute.  So she's willing to throw money around, wear skimpy outfits, and have wild parties in her dorm room.  Mom and dad?  Breathe a sigh of relief that all she's handed you is debt, and not the news that she'll be dropping out at the end of the semester to deliver up your first grandchild.  Or that she's in her first series of shots to control her STD.   Because even without the free spending, I can see this girl being very popular on campus.

Having dodged that bullet, I'd take a moment to issue a quiet prayer.  Then I'd haul this Not Ready To Be On Her Own party girl back home and tell her she'll be commuting to the local college if she wants to continue her adventures in Higher Education.  If not, she can get a job and start paying Mom and Dad back for her month of excess.  Because relief only lasts so long, and this girl clearly has a lot of growing up left to do.

And it really conceals that freshly-dug grave, too!

Garden in a Box?

It's official.  The world is coming to an end.  And in my humble opinion, not a moment too soon.

No doubt from the people who brought you microwaveable pizza rolls, the Buttoneer and that thing that scrambles the egg while it's still inside it's shell.  Or maybe the guys who have sold us millions of Chia pets over the years.  In fact, isn't this Roll and Grow thing just a Chia Pet for your lawn?

"Don't have any actual interest in being outside and getting dirty engaging in a healthy hobby on the weekends?  Don't see the value of pride in a job well done?  Don't have Clue One what kind of plants you might like to use to express your own personality, making your house stand out in the neighborhood?  Only really interested in showing well for your neighbors?* Well, introducing Roll and Grow!!

"Now you can say 'FU' to all that thinking, planning, and accomplishing something BS- it was always overrated anyway.  Just roll this mother out on your lawn, water it liberally, and watch the damn thing grow without any further input on your part (apparently the lady shown here watering her seed-embedded green carpet ordered the deluxe version, because the damned thing explodes into growth AS SHE'S WATERING IT OMGOD IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF MUTATION!!)"

Oh, and because it's "like cloth" ("like" in this case meaning the same as "is") you can cut it to fit around corners, etc.  Well, that's kind of a pain- when are they going to come out with a version pre-fitted to my lawn?  Tomorrow? Awesome.

I didn't watch this whole commercial, but I think it's safe to assume that there all kinds of nifty extras you can add to your order if you call RIGHT NOW- extras that are ABSOLUTELY FREE (just pay exorbitant Shipping and Handling fees.)  So someone tell me- what are they?  An extra ten yards of Not Garden?  Maybe one of those hanging banana trees?  Actual Chia Pets?

I've actually read a few reviews of this and similar products- apparently the plant growth is spotty, leaving ugly blank spots around the almost-as-ugly Flowers You Didn't Bother To Plant, You Lazy Twat.  Seems like a reasonable payoff- do something half-assed, get a half-assed result.  What's the problem?

Here's the problem- I've got a Mom and Dad who are in their early-eighties who spend an average of six hours a day doing yard work around their country home.  And I don't mean spreading out a carpet of seeds and watering it.  I mean real work- planting, weeding, watering, fertilizing (using home-made compost, yet.)  And not just flowers- they have a huge vegetable garden which requires the placement and maintenance of bean poles and a chicken-wire fence to keep out the hungry critters, more weeding, more watering, etc.  I won't even mention the work involved in bringing in the harvest as it ripens.  All I do is mow their lawns (I'm sure there's a robo-mower out there for me.  I don't want it) and THAT'S a chore.

The end result is that they have beautifully landscaped lawns with gorgeous flower and vegetable gardens, and at the end of the day they can stroll around it with pride (if they aren't too exhausted) because THEY DID IT THEMSELVES.

Roll out a carpet, water it, and get someone else's idea of what a flower garden looks like?  Then what?  Go inside, whip yourself up a batch of instant potatoes and a frozen pizza for the kids while you fight over the DirectTV remote?  Hey, maybe you can get someone to do two of those things for you.  Life is sooooo hard, after all.

*Strongly Recommended:  Install your Roll and Grow system at night.  Not because it's healthier for the seeds, but seriously- do you really want your neighbors to see you doing this?

Another Talking Bag of Rocks, brought to us by AT&T

I'm consistently amazed at AT&T's ability to find the most unlikeable people to "star" in their commercials for Talk and Data Plans Which Let You Blather On and On and On Forever About Nothing.  Then again, what could possibly be likeable about anyone who would take advantage of an "offer" like this?

This woman has landed a bit part in a bit movie- "customer number four" or something like that- so she's decided to drive everyone around her insane by yapping away about it to anyone who will listen and, probably, to a great many people who won't.  So she's polluting the air as she walks down the street with her "check out how awesome I am" cluelessness.  She's driven away the other gym patrons with her utter asshattery.  She's at the laundromat, letting everyone within earshot of her horrible, grating voice know that she's a swollen-headed blabbermouth who has no idea how idiotic she looks.  She fails to give us what we want and just drop the damned phone into the bathtub and destroy it (wouldn't that be bliss?)  And then she's in bed, indulging in her "I'm a real actress so I get to be all pretentious about this are you still there?" nonsense.   And we get to witness it all. 

Thanks, AT&T, for hiring pretty much every mentally disturbed motor mouth in the world to appear in your awful ads.  They don't make us want to buy your product, but they do provide us with the comfort of knowing they are all in the same place, at least- and that place is far away from where I am.  Just one thing- you haven't found them all yet.  There are plenty of subjects to appear in future commercials, right down the street from me, on the subway, in the stores, etc.  Shall I give them your number- that is, if I can get them to put down their phones long enough to pay attention?

Pos T Vac made me go there. I'm sorry.

I didn't want to write this post.  But then again, when was the last time I got what I wanted?

I never wanted to see two such loathsome people on my television screen, but there they are- a disgusting fifty-something old man perfectly willing to blather innuendo concerning his sad inability to "perform" (look, I didn't create this commercial, I'm just commenting on it) and his thirty-something wife who apparently decided that the sports car, the suburban palace and the boatload of money was a decent payoff in exchange for providing sexual favors to a guy old enough to be her dad.   Yep, there they are- chirping on and on without the slightest hint of irony or shame about how delighted they are at...

....finding a device that....

I'm sorry.  I'm not being paid enough to go on (I'm not being paid for this at all, in fact.)  I don't care about these people.  I don't care about their sex life- in fact, at this moment, I don't care about anyone's sex life.  The very thought of sex makes me angry, because it's existence is at least partially responsible for the fact that THESE PEOPLE engage in it.

Using a device that....

Again, I'm sorry- I just can't continue.  Roughly fifteen seconds in, I had to stop watching this thing.  Which means I never got to learn exactly what a "Pos T Vac" is.  Which is just fine with me- it's bad enough that I ever got to hear that term.  It's bad enough that it forces me to try to imagine what on earth a "Vacuum system" looks like or why it makes this woman so happy or how this old guy uses it to....to.....

Oh God, why did you inflict me with the power of sight and hearing?  Because right now, those things are just curses.  If I had been born blind and deaf, I would never have had to learn that there's such a thing as a Pos T Vac and a "Vacuum system," and I would never have had the image of these two disgusting freaks waxing up their Chevy  (the sexual imagery...again, I'm sorry...) while they congratulate "the younger generation" (considering that these people are obviously from different generations, I wonder who they are talking about) for being able to "perform" without using.....a "vacuum system".....

Ok,, I'm done.  And again, I'm very sorry I felt I had to include this post.  Please don't hold it against me.  I feel bad enough already.

USA Tax Shield is really pulling at the heart strings with this one

Words cannot express my relief at learning that Sandra, Victor and their 2.5 children* were able to use USA Tax Shield to reduce their tax liability to a "reasonable" amount.  I mean, who wouldn't feel for these poor, put-upon citizens?

First of all, look how lovely and white they are.  Check out the suburban palace, with the manicured lawn, 500-year old oak trees and winding walkway, leading to their massive black SUV.  Surely we couldn't find a couple more deserving of tax relief in all the world!

Second, whatever got Sandra and Victor into tax difficulties, I'm sure it wasn't their fault.  I'm sure they MEANT to pay their taxes on time and in full, but gosh darn it, need I remind you that McMansions, gardeners and SUVs don't grow on trees?  Plus those Aspen holidays- they aren't free either, you know.

Yes, I'm sure we can all relate to Sandra and Victor.  All they were trying to do was live way beyond their means, in a house too large for their budgets, driving a car which screamed "LOOK HOW RICH WE ARE" as they drove through their perfect little white picket-fence world, when the mean old Government came hounding them with wage garnishments and levies (someday, I hope to be as patriotic and successful as Sandra and Victor.  Right now, I'm so far beneath them, I'm not even sure what "wage garnishments" and "levies" even mean.  I thought garnish was something you find on a salad, and levies were those things that don't protect poor people from drowning if they are built by the Army Corps of Engineers.)

I wish that this commercial had ended with an 800 number which we could use to call in and contribute to Sandra and Victor.  They need our help.  I can't bear the thought of Sandra having to fire her Guatemalan cleaning lady, or Victor having to skip his regular tee time with the boys on Sundays, just because that mean old government wants another example of The Most Productive to pay their taxes.  Damn that Obama and his Socialist Minions, wrecking the lives of honest, hard-working people like Sandra and Victor!  Oh the humanity!!

Oh, but I forgot- thanks to USA Tax Shield, Sandra and Victor don't need our help.  They got to wiggle out of their tax obligations for pennies on the dollar and "maintain their lifestyle" (man, I wanted to kill someone when I heard that line.)  It's a Happy Ending fit for a fairy tale- that is, if fairy tales generally ended with wealthy people coasting while the middle class and poor got handed the bill.  And with me throwing large, heavy objects at my tv.

*I know we only see one little girl, grinning like an idiot because she's blissfully unaware that Mom and Dad are clueless, characterless tax cheats who will no doubt take this lesson and use it to run up massive credit card debt in service of "maintaining their lifestyle."  But we all know she's got a brother named Bobby or Hunter or Cody, and that there's a little bundle of something along the way.  These people breed like rabbits.

Calling Dave Ramsey!!

I think I know what everyone's favorite Prosperity Gospel Advocate would say to this guy's problem.

Mr. Free Credit Report thought that he was marrying his dream girl, but didn't realize that he was also marrying her massive credit card debt.  So instead of setting up in a nice little suburban castle, he's living in her mom and dad's basement.  While they dig their way out from under her little "Sorry I Forgot To Mention This During Those Two Years We Were Dating Hon" secret.

He's taking this really, really well, taking comfort in his guitar and his ability to make up a song about the Thoughtless, Deceitful Jerk Who Conned Him Into Marriage as she does laundry.   Well, that's kind of sweet, actually- he's not letting a little thing like LYING get in the way of marital bliss.  On the other hand, I get a rather negative vibe from the bride, as if it's the guy's fault that she ran up all these bills and didn't tell him about it. (Wouldn't surprise me at all, really.  Isn't it always the guy's fault?)

All of this could have been avoided if only he had done the sensible thing and called FreeCreditReport.com and asked for the scoop on his Intended.  Except- is that the way it works?  Can a fiancee actually call FreeCreditReport.com and ask for privileged information?  How does one go about proving that one is about to become legally attached to another person, and therefore ought to get access to sensitive financial data like this?  I seriously doubt that the credit report companies would give this guy the time of day before the actual legal ceremony, and maybe not even then, either.

I feel kind of bad for saying this too, but-- hey buddy, unless this girl is pregnant, it seems to me that you've got grounds for an annulment, no problem.  This isn't the 18th century, after all.  Take it from me, "For Better or For Worse" doesn't mean what it used to, and "'Till Death Do Us Part" is just a cutesy phrase they still use on Soap Opera Weddings (they mean a lot in that context too, don't they?)   This woman LIED to you in order to get your name on her debt.  You think that's the only problem she has, and everything will be fine once you've spent two years delivering pizzas on the weekends in addition to your full-time job in order to pay down that debt?  If that's the case, I've got a bridge I'd like to sell you.  My guess is that the moment the books are squared, she'll show you the door, sucker.

No, I'm not going to recommend Financial Peace University to my friend with the guitar.  After all, he's not the one with the money issues, unless he wants to be.  I think he'd be a lot better off just getting in touch with an attorney.  Because hey, stupid- if your dream girl would lie about something like credit card debt, she's probably hiding a lot of other crap, too.  Get out before she starts popping offspring!

The Bad News: These just make you a slightly taller version of yourself

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I instantly froze and sat riveted to the screen when I saw the words "PAY ATTENTION" flashing repeatedly on the screen.  Especially with that red background.

Which meant that for the next 90 seconds or so, I got a lecture on why my life is destined to suck unless I can add a few inches to my height.  The guys at work won't respect me- they won't even notice I'm there.  Maybe they'll step on me, or slam the door in my face.  Maybe they'll think I'm a bug and take a swipe at me with a rolled up newspaper.  I'm sure not going to get That Raise- they'll be giving that to Slightly Taller Than Me Bob.  And now I'll know why.

That hot girl on the golf course (that's what it looks like to me, anyway) won't even give me the time of day.  And it won't be because she's not really standing right next to me, it's just a split screen.  It will be because even though I'm by far the best looking guy she's ever seen (funny, and a good listener, too) I'm not in her direct line of sight, being an inch or two shorter than she is.  Too bad for her- if only she had learned to look slightly down, we might have been the perfect couple.  Wasn't meant to be, I guess.  Her loss.

Thankfully, there are these leftover plastic retainers from the 1970s which are being sold as "MaxTall height enhancers," or something.  you just stick these things into the heel of any shoe which has a lot of extra room in the heel, and it Miraculously (there's that word again) makes you up to two feet taller.  Because they are invisible, no one will ever notice.  (They'll just think you strayed too close to an A-bomb test site, I guess.)

And of course, you'll be able to keep up the deceit because you can buy a set of these things for each and every pair of shoes you own.  Stay off the beach, and don't visit the houses of any of your Japanese friends, and your secret is safe.

But wait- what happens if that hot girl who suddenly finds you so attractive because she can make eye contact without looking down (is this a real problem somewhere?) allows you to take her back to your place for a roll in the sack (hey, it happens! No, really!)  Isn't this like the moment you finally have to take off the toupee (no, I don't have one?)  Or do you just keep your shoes on 24/7?

Actually, this seems to be the plan- we are told near the end of this ad that the MaxTall rubber thingees "mold to your heel, so your feet always stay in your shoes."  Yikes.  Maybe height won't be a problem anymore, but the stink from your feet will drive away fellow employees and hot girls alike, I'd think.