Walk and Chew Gum at the same time? Only if there's an App for that

Ugly morons hanging around an office setting being about as Unproductive as possible: Check.

Ugly morons blathering about a "cool" phone:  Check.

Ugly morons "sharing" information by touching their phones together: Check.

Male in the ad ending up on top despite Female's attempt to stab him in the back and claim credit for work he did-- wait a minute, what the hell is THIS?

I feel like Cornwallis at Yorktown- maybe the world didn't come to an end on schedule on December 21, but it's certainly turned upside down.  At least in TV Land.  I mean, when was the last time one of these commercials ended with a Female looking foolish and paying a price for her asshattery, while the Male is portrayed as the Productive, Hard-Working One?  This would be a lot less unsettling if the Male had at LEAST accidentally started a fire, or had been caught playing Angry Birds on his phone during Company hours.  I'm really not sure how to take this.

For now, I think I'll just stop watching this ad at the moment where the Female takes credit for work she did not do.  Because that's when it stops making sense to my tv-trained brain.

I mean, the guy ending up smelling like a rose while the perplexed woman stands there wondering what happened....if this is the shape of things to come, I'm in for a very rocky 2013...

Droid Presents someone's idea of progress

You just know that when this commercial was over, a hundred thousand drooling idiots expressed disappointment in discovering that it's JUST a commercial.  Sorry, losers- you can't ACTUALLY have your precious phones injected into your bloodstream.  You'll just have to keep pretending they are already there.

But don't worry, guys- I'm sure you won't have to wait too long.  I'm sure we are only a year or two away before actually embedding phones into our "brains"  (plenty of room in there for a lot of us.)  Then you'll never, ever, EVER have to live one moment without your Facebook page and your Twitter feed- you know, those things that make your "lives" worth living.  Losers.

Convincing you that debt is good? For Bank Americard, it's as simple as....well, you know.

Ugh, I am so damned sick of the grinning idiots happily telling me how thrilled they are to be getting a tiny rebate every time they join the Never Pay Cash No Matter How Small The Purchase Is parade.  Does it ever, EVER occur to any of these jackanapes that if they weren't taking out tiny loans for everything from cups of coffee at Starbucks to gasoline at BP, they wouldn't be celebrating being handed pennies in exchange for their dollars, but would instead know exactly how much money they have, all the time?

I mean, think about what these people are telling us.  They borrow money constantly.  Which means they are constantly paying interest on that borrowed money.  BUT, Bank of America refunds them one, two, or three percent of their loan, depending on the enabled purchase.  This is supposed to be a great thing.

What they AREN'T telling us- each and every "Bank Americard" user is STILL paying interest rates of 9, 14, or 19% on balances carried over month to month.  Apparently, this simply doesn't matter to the drooling idiots who live off that piece of plastic in their wallets which lets them pretend that stuff is just free because it doesn't cost paper.  This is like regularly borrowing money from a friend because he hands you back a penny every time you borrow a dollar- then charges you $1.05 when you pay the dollar back.  And thinking this is a good deal.

What the hell is the matter with you morons??  There is no such thing as a "good deal" from a Credit Card Company, OK?  Use credit cards to get your car fixed, to buy plane tickets, or to deal with some emergency expense.  Toilet paper?  Coffee?  Gasoline?  Stop being morons with your money!!*

And if you MUST use Credit Cards, at least stop trying to convince me that there's something to be gained by it.

*Says the guy who spends hundreds of dollars a year buying chocolate, bagels, and lunches for kids he's not related to and who won't even remember his name three years after they've graduated, if it takes that long.

No No No No Noooooooooo!!!!

First- maybe this thing is small enough to use "anywhere, anytime" but please- just, don't.  Personally, I'd rather watch people eat McRib sandwiches and then floss than see a single person using this.  "If I see something I can just take it out and zap it."  Yes, and then you can order dessert.  And wonder where your date went so quickly.

Second- anyone else think that that Capislow, the "skin creme clinicially proven to slow hair growth" is likely just aloe used to dull the pain and retard the rash you just gave yourself when you "Crystallized" your hair follicles?

Third- CRYSTALLIZE YOUR HAIR FOLLICLES?  REALLY??

Fourth- why are these guys using this product?  For one thing, there are razors out there.  For another, I haven't seen a guy with at least three day's growth on their faces on tv in about a decade.  As near as I can tell, stubby beards are all the rage- so why would any guy want to use a device that slows hair growth?

Fifth- "three treatment levels to choose from?"  What are the levels- Ineffective, Not Very Effective, and Sort of Effective?  Ok NoNo Spokesperson, give me everything you've got.

Sixth- why am I listening to Dr. Dolev Rafaeli?  Because he's the President and CEO of Radiency, the company that produces this--ummm--- "miracle breakthrough product?"  And his incentive to be straight with me is- what, again?

Seventh- As usual, this thing is supposed to take the place of THOUSANDS of dollars in laser skin treatments.  To anyone slightly smarter than a turnip, shouldn't this immediately send up the BS flare?  I mean, how is this any different from the $20 rubber bands which replace oral surgery or the breath spray for dogs which replaces competent veterinary services?

And finally- isn't this the year 2012? Are there really people out there who are impressed by an LCD display?  Come on, my COFFEE MAKER has an LCD display- I wouldn't trust it to CRYSTALLIZE MY HAIR FOLLICLES!!

Some guys have all the luck

I know this commercial is supposed to be how embarrassed Mom is because she does this pretty damned awesome dance after coming home from Wal Mart.  And yes, being this excited because you've finished your weekly shopping (only 51 more weeks to go, 520 over the next decade, just a little under 1600 trips to Wal Mart over the course of a thirty-year mortgage, marriage or whatever) is not only embarrassing, but quite sad, too.

But I don't get that out of viewing this commercial.  What I get is that husband is nowhere near good enough for this woman.  I mean, come on- he's a fat, balding shlub whose genes helped produce an ugly, dumb-looking kid (HER genes sure as hell didn't contribute to THAT.)  She's a slim, sexy, athletic type who finds joy in shopping at Wal Mart.  Why can't I ever meet girls like this?

I mean, compared to most guys, I'm pretty damned cute.  Compared to this guy? PLEASE!

Cougar Town sure looks like no place I want to visit

I assume from the fifty or so stupid promos I've seen for this intensely dumb-looking show that it's a platform for a sadly aging Courtney Cox, who is apparently under the misapprehension that the camera still loves her and that if she surrounds herself with idiots who feed her straight lines, she can get her career back on track. In other words, a Friends for middle-aged people.

And if the promos tell the story, drinking red wine is as important to the daily plot as Courtney Cox, if not more.  Most of these ads show Cox drinking wine.  Sometimes she's just holding it.  Sometimes she's (very unconvincingly) sipping it.  Sometimes several of the other characters are holding glasses of red wine.  In one promo, all the characters are involved in a drinking game which they make look like a chore rather than fun.  This drinking game, btw, is taking place in the middle of the day.  And they all act like they are being forced to participate, and that the wine is really poor quality.  Acting Much?

Maybe red wine is a key plot point to every episode of Cougar Town.  Or maybe the heavy use of red wine is required to make any of this even remotely entertaining, or bearable.  Because man, this looks bad.  I thought the point of promos was to get people who don't know the show interested in watching it.  If I'm right, this fails for me on an epic scale.  I mean, I'm talking Big Bang Theory scale.  It's really that bad.

For a change of pace, why not offer her the next ring while wading in the surf?

1.  These are the same two people who were doing...umm...something....in the snow last year.  So their tradition is to cavort like little kids until He gives Her a piece of jewelry?

2.  Does the guy in this ad keep this woman locked in a dark room 364 days of the year?  I mean, could she be MORE devoid of color?  She looks like a freaking corpse.

3.  Is a snow-covered field really the best place to hand someone a diamond?  I mean, I really want to see the unedited version, where these two idiots are on their hands and knees, muttering curses under their breath, desperately searching for a tiny piece of transparent rock.  Now THAT would warm my heart.

Oh and BTW, check out the comments on YouTube- it's bad enough that you've got half a dozen idiots begging to know what this stupid song is.  But even when they are told, they keep asking.  What the hell?