Dr Pepper's salute to conformist non-conformity

As near as I can tell, this commercial is one great big celebration of the concept of being yourself by following the crowd.

I mean, everyone's expressing themselves by wearing red shirts which include some fact which labels them in some way or another.  Personally, I think it's a lot more individualistic to NOT wear a personality trait on your freaking chest, but that's just me.

And look what qualifies as "Rebellion:"  Wearing a WHITE t-shirt instead of a red one.  A white t-shirt which announces "I'm a Rebel."  The only "rebellious" thing we see this woman do is walk in the opposite direction from the crowd, with a Way Too Satisfied With Her Bold Refusal To Go Along look on her face.  Take that, Sons of Liberty.  Take that, Civil Rights leaders of the 50s and 60s.  THIS is what it means to be a Rebel in 2013.

Is it ok if I find all this choreographed junk just a bit too manipulative to swallow?  Not that I'm a target audience or anything- personally, I've never understood the allure of soda that tastes like cough syrup.  But I never imagined that buying and drinking this swill would put me in the ranks of Nat Turner and John Brown.  Hey, they didn't even have "I'm a Rebel" t-shirts.  Losers.

Hyundai confirms that it does not employ actual human beings to make its ads

Maybe the only thing more disturbing about this tasteless, thoroughly disgusting, horrible little nub of an ad is that there are actually Youtube posters who think it's funny and that those offended by it "need a sense of humor."

This commercial has already been pulled by Hyundai.  But whether or not it should have been pulled is a question dwarfed by a few others:

First, how was it even made?  At least one person had to write it.  At least one other person had to OK it. Several other people created the set, and hired the actor to play Man Humorously Attempting To Commit Suicide.  My guess is that at least a dozen people had a very strong grasp of what was going to happen in this commercial-- and gave it the thumbs-up anyway.

Second, how did this get on the air?  This required even MORE people to watch the ad and sign off on it.  I figure we are up to twenty people now who had every opportunity to stand up and say "wait a minute.  This is unacceptable, offensive garbage.  It's not even a matter of us being able to do better than this.  It's more like, 'it would be hard to do worse.'"

Yet, it got written, it got funded, it got produced, and it got aired.  And now Hyundai has pulled it, expressing surprise and regret that people failed to find humor in an ad mocking a suicide attempt.

I don't think I have a reputation for overreacting, but it's really not enough for me that Hyundai has yanked this ad and apologized.  Personally, I think a few more steps are required.  The writer, producer, and everyone else involved in this abomination should never be allowed to work in advertising again.  Nor should they be allowed within 100 yards of children.  Oh, and they should be deported.  To Gitmo.

Oh, and Youtube posters who thought this was funny and we all just need to "lighten up?"  You can go, too. You will not be missed.

"Here's your F--ing Chocolate Diamonds. Will they buy me even an HOUR of peace?"

So I guess the male half of this couple, bitterly regretting his decision to take his honey to the Levian Chocolate Diamonds Exhibit Sponsored by Kay Jewelers at the local museum, got really sick of listening to the twit blather on and on with her recital of Everything She Just Learned About Chocolate Diamonds From The Signs (hey look, she's literate!  What a great catch!)  and wandered off to the gift shop for some Me Time.

While he was there, he heard a few people checking out the snow globes complaining about this leggy lunatic who can't stop dropping obvious hints about how much she just loves these Chocolate Diamonds.

Resignedly, he pulled out his MasterCard and shelled out for one of the stupid rocks, already inflated in price but even more so at a museum gift shop.  As if the fricking $20 entrance fee wasn't enough-- and oh holy jesus, he also said something about dinner at that upscale cafe afterwards.  It never ends, this shit.

I had to desperately distract her from the secondary prize that came with the ring: Me.

I just can't wrap my head around the massive mess of dumb that makes up this mercifully short ad.

"How far would you go?  Some guys are going to extremes..." what, seriously?

"He proposed to me at the bottom of the ocean (appreciative witless giggle.")

"I had to propose to her at zero gravity."  Are you f--ing kidding me?  Might I inquire why, exactly?

Do you ever allow yourself to realize that when you "go to extremes" by proposing in scuba gear, or while in the stratosphere, or on a roller coaster, or with the help of the morons running the Jumbotron, you are essentially admitting that you feel the need to smear expensive, showy lipstick on a pig?

In other words, do you realize that your determination to propose in such a blatantly "off-key" way is just a confession that there's nothing especially special about YOU, so you'd better put a gigantic ribbon on this not very impressive gift?

And to the woman who gushes about the rock she was offered by bleating "who could say no to THAT?"-- I get it.  Who could say no to the big pretty rock.  She isn't being asked to say Yes to being Mrs. Henry Jones.  She's being asked to accept the pretty rock.  Who could say no to it?  Not her.  Sure, it means she's got to take this guy with it- but check out this rock again!

Acura gives its Luxury Middle Finger to the Rest of Us

Tell me you don't want this commercial to end with the guy with the luxury house and the luxury car having a luxury collision with a luxury tractor trailer truck which leaves his luxury chest impaled on his luxury steering column and luxury paramedics prying his luxury ass out of his crushed luxury car with the luxury jaws of life.

Hell, I'd settle for seeing him have a luxury heart attack.  I don't ask for much.

I mean, just check out the message in this ad: This guy has it great, best of everything.  His life couldn't be better, if the value of a life is measured by the number of luxury items one is surrounded with.  But all this luxury pales in comparison to....the luxury of his car.  I can just imagine if the one actor in his commercial was narrating it himself- "I thought my life was awesome until I sat my pampered butt down in my Acura.  Then I realized- 'my life is REALLY awesome!'"  Ugh.

Oh, and the people who wrote this disgusting, bile-inducing pile of steaming elephant dung?  There's no way you die painfully enough for me.  I hate all of you so very much- even more than you hate us, if that's even possible.

Wait till his ingrown toenail prevents him from attending her wedding

I'm on this stuff right now, ok?  My head hurts, my eyes are itchy, I'm coughing, I have an ear ache  and my nose is runny.  But today I also walked ten miles to Washington DC on Saturday and hit the gym afterwards because darn it, it's nice outside and I love the exercise.   I'm uncomfortable, but it takes a lot more than allergies to keep me confined indoors on a nice day.

The guy on this ad also has allergies.  He looks like he has the same symptoms as I do.  But look what's happening here- he's coughing and sneezing, so he's staying indoors rather than teaching his daughter how to ride a bike.

I don't have any kids.  I don't think I have to know what it is to be a parent to make a judgement call on the guy in this ad:  Buddy, your daughter wants to learn how to ride her bike.  She wants her Dad to help teach her how to ride that bike.  Buddy, I don't give a flying damn how much you are sneezing, how watery your eyes are, or how much your throat itches.  Get your fat ass outside and teach your daughter how to ride her bike. 

Because allergies are a pain.  But the allergic reactions you can treat with Allegra aren't life-threatening, they are just annoying.  If they keep you inside on days you have nothing especially interesting to do, or when there's a good game on tv, fine.  If they keep you inside when you could be teaching your daughter how to ride a bike but you won't because you don't like sneezing, you are a disgusting, self-absorbed ass, your wife could have done much better, and I doubt very much you'll have any trouble coming up with equally lame excuses for not going to her future dance recitals, track meets and graduations (those are held outside sometimes, oh horrors!)  This guy is acting as if he's reprising John Travolta's role in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.  Dickwad.

AT&T and Facebook: Terminally Stupid Together

We've all been in museums, libraries, and other once-quiet, peaceful places with this woman.  We all recognize her- she's the empty-headed idiot walking right past art and knowledge and barely managing to avoid bumping into walls because she's got her eyes glued to that m---f----ing screen in her hand.  She inspires feelings of intense disgust in all of us- disgust that we really hope does not turn to anger if that thing starts vibrating or chirping every few seconds, outright rage if the ringtone starts blaring.

And we wonder- what the hell is this person doing here?  As far as I know, there's no law requiring that drooling Facebook and/or cellphone addicts spend any time at all in museums or libraries or parks or anywhere else the rest of us are trying to enjoy a little of the unplugged life.  (Hey, losers- you guys aren't required to go to movies, either.  Just in case you didn't know, because you don't act like you do.)  Any of us really mind if people who want to chat and text and obsess over Facebook every waking moment of the day never make an appearance in a museum?  Can I assume that if they just find a rock to crawl under (a rock that does not interfere with their 4G, of course) they will not be missed?

Oh and by the way, is it safe to assume that when this idiot finally gets to escape from the Oh So Boring 'Cause It's So Not Being on Facebook museum and meet up with friends, she won't have the slightest idea of how to respond to the question "so, what did you do today" because she won't remember a bit of it beyond the time she spent daydreaming about being back on Facebook?

And is it also safe to assume that this sawdust-for-brains ditz will continue to pollute all the quiet, interesting places I like so much and spend all of her time staggering around in a bored daze while I mentally beat her to death with her own phone?