My class, every Friday afternoon

The guy who made this commercial has a camera in Room 233.  Except it's not Airheads- it's Snickers, Peanut Butter Cups, Take 5, and Twix.

Inside joke- but my students will get it.

For want of a mute button, my sanity was lost

A man.

A man and his truck.

A man, his truck, and a broken fence.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, and a lost calf.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf, and a truck which lets him search for the lost calf until....ummm, until he finds the lost calf, I guess.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf, and a warm ride home in the man's truck for the lost calf.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf, a warm ride home, and a safe return to the 4x4 bin which has been this calf's home since it was separated from it's mother to be force-fed hormones.

A man, his truck, a broken fence, a lost calf now found and safely returned to it's horror torture chamber of a life, and a contract with the good people at Hormel.

A man, his truck, a repaired fence, and a calf removed from it's cage to be forced on to a boxcar for it's first and last journey on a train.

A man, his truck, a repaired fence, a calf chopped into pieces and wrapped in plastic or packed into a can of Spam, and a check from Hormel which allows a man to continue to dress up like- and pretend to be- a Real Rancher Just Like In The Movies.  Except they didn't have his truck.

Warms the heart, doesn't it?

Nothing new about wanting everyone to know you're an elitist douchebanozzle. Here's proof.

I'm no fan of bullying, and I sure don't want to trivialize it's seriousness, but the girl in this old commercial needed a serious beating even before she sealed the deal with that stupid eyebrow twitch at the end.

Then again, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?  Dad (who is at least sixty, which means his car is the product of a mid-life crisis and his daughter the product of a May-September matchup- I wonder which he treasures more, the young wife or the flashy auto)  has taught her the importance of showing well for shallow friends and total strangers by purchasing this utility-free status symbol in the first place.  So maybe she really isn't to blame.

She needs a beating anyway though.

(BTW, yes I know that's Kristen Stewart.  I can read.  I just don't care.)

I notice too much for my own good

1.  At :10-- I guess the car would have sustained a lot more damage if this guy's garage door was made of something sturdier than tin foil painted white.  Or cardboard.  Or peanut brittle.  I'm almost curious enough to ask what the ad makers used to create that effect.  It would be a better question than the unbelievable "what is that song?" query posted by YouTube monkeys.  (No, I'm not kidding. There are people out there who didn't know this song.)

2.  At :15- either this car was parked on the sidewalk up against the building, or the owner of the AC unit tossed it from his window.  Because it makes no sense that it would just fall out of the window on to the center of a car parked in the street, unless we can't see that the window juts ten feet from the building.

3.  Can I assume that the guy standing on his car in the middle of a swamp is calling the police and not his insurance company?  Because first thing's first, stupid.  Get yourself on to dry land.  There's plenty of time to explain to your insurance company how you lost control of your car trying to pop open another beer while simultaneously texting your girlfriend that your wife isn't going to be out of town this weekend after all.

4.  My favorite part of all these ads is when we see the moron victim of the accident gesturing to explain what happened to the insurance agent.  What on Earth is he saying? "Yep, this is where I forgot there were bikes on my roof...this is where I spent half an hour getting together my equipment, climbing the tree, and cutting the branch with my chain saw without once noticing there was a car underneath it...yep, I'm a complete and utter tool and I fully expect you to cancel my insurance now, because hey, who could blame you?"

Oh, and btw- "we" didn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, so "we" don't get to take credit for it.  That was ONE human being.  By the same token, I have no interest in taking responsibility when one of the clueless knuckleheads in these commercials destroys a car through utter carelessness.  Get it?

How did the Nuremberg Trials miss this guy?

I mean, look how utterly evil and thoughtless he is!

He didn't assume the little girl had a peanut allergy- or if she did, she'd let him know.  I mean, how irresponsible can you get?  It's bad enough that this restaurant even OFFERS food including peanuts on the menu.  She could have died!

And then when she gives her mom a terrified "Oh my God it's a peanut what will I do I guess I'm doomed now" look, he acts all confused, as if he isn't perfectly capable of reading her mind!  I mean, how many crimes is this guy going to commit?  First he takes the girl's order, then he brings her what she ordered- he must have gone to the Pol Pot School of Waiting Tables!

Truly, this waiter is worse than Hitler.  Leaving me wondering only one more thing- what on Earth does he have against this poor, innocent little girl?  But you know, I don't even care.  I just want him removed from society, before he has a chance to kill again.  Monster.

The extended cut. In case the suspects simply REFUSE to talk

If Mute Buttons had not been invented years ago, this commercial would make them absolutely necessary.

In fact, ads like this create a vital need for voice-activated mute buttons.  As in "NOOO!!" or "ENOUGH!" or "SHUT THE F--UP!" instantly silencing this unbelievable awfulness.

Because why on Earth would anyone want to watch an "extended version" of the most agonizing horrible moments of our lives?  As if we haven't all experienced socially-retarded douchenozzles yelling pointless, vapid drivel at high volumes into their phones while standing RIGHT NEXT TO US as we mentally brain them with crowbars.

Hey, Jeremy? You can play Angry Birds on your phone when you get back to Levittown. Moron.

Before I went off to Europe last July, I called AT&T and purchased an international plan.  I wanted to make sure that I could call home once or twice or get in touch with people if I got lost, and was made aware of these evil things called roaming charges.  As it turned out, I spent an additional $30 for a service I used exactly twice, and probably would have been better off just leaving my phone off or paying the extra charge, but oh well...next time I go overseas I'm sure I'll buy the international minutes again, because who wants to think about stuff like that?

The people in this ad, as near as I can figure, have a son who is traveling around Europe wracking up roaming charges- $1200 worth after three days.  I don't know how long he plans to be in Europe, any more than I understand why his parents aren't just calling him instead of sending him a video (isn't that a more expensive way of making contact?)  But it seems to me that if they aren't willing to call him (or get a friend he might actually pick up for to call him) they are down to two options:

1.  Let their idiot son continue to be oblivious, wracking up ruinous roaming charges.  He's old enough to be traveling around Europe, he's old enough to deal with the massive bill when he gets back. What kind of moron spends a Maybe Once In a Lifetime Opportunity to tour Europe using his freaking phone, anyway?

2.  Hire a hit man to take the stupid kid out.  Probably cheaper in the long run than dealing with roaming charges.