"Oh, no big deal. That's just the sound of you selling your soul for five seconds on tv."

The YouTubers just love this insulting crap.  Really- just check the comments.  Can't get enough of people making total asses of themselves for the chance to be on television for a few seconds making any sane human being dive for the mute button.

I had to watch a version of this commercial at least two dozen times during a Sunday afternoon baseball game.  Screeching.  Horrible sound effects.  People who might as well have been waving I'M A MORON WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME for a commercial created for a company which might as well install a WE HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OUR CUSTOMERS neon sign in their waiting areas.

Oh, but the YouTubers adore this. Because the YouTubers are all eight year old boys who went back for extra paint chips.  Morons.

Warning: This Ad may be used to induce vomiting

"We've noticed that every once in a while, you stop watching tv, even though modern technology has made it possible to view All Your Favorite Shows anytime, anywhere!  Well, we're going to do our best to encourage you to never, ever stop watching tv with this new offer combining something new called Viggle and something 'old' called DirectTV!

"Here's how it works!  Just never stop gazing at whatever version of the idiot box you most like using to suck every last brain cell out of your head and avoid human contact!  Do a little rubbing and scrolling and texting and replying as you waste what's left of your sorry-ass 'life" gazing at crap movies, tv shows and games and we'll reward you with money you can use for more electronic gizmos which - what do you know!- allow you to spend even MORE time allowing your body to atrophy into pudding as you absorb more and more media into your overly-stimulated yet dim as swamp water brain!"

"Tell your friends, if you still have any that are more than numbers on your Facebook counter, about this awesome service and get even more money and more points which can be used for more data and more wasted time, you worthless, easily-manipulated, mouth-breathing, couldn't-use-your-brain's-wattage-to-operate-a-keyring-light couch potato loser!"

Obesity is an epidemic.  I can't IMAGINE why.

The Best Health System in the World, if you don't count all the other countries...

In July 2003, I was sitting in my car waiting to be waved through a construction site at 8:30 in the morning when I was suddenly struck from behind by a drunk driver who didn't notice that the traffic light was being voided by a police officer directing traffic.  That drunk driver (who was also driving on a suspended license) slammed into my car while traveling at approximately 25 MPH- the force knocked me into the intersection and to within a foot of the cop, who shook his head and announced into his walkie-talkie "we'll need an amubulance, some guy with his head up his ass just caused an accident."

I went to the hospital in that ambulance, as my spine felt like it had been twisted into a knot.  There I was told that the drunk driver who hit me while on a suspended license also (surprise, surprise) didn't have any insurance.   Yeah, he was a real winner, that one.  I needed several months of therapy that my insurance paid for (after a lawsuit, but that's another story,) and that brings me to the reason for this blog post.

One part of my therapy was the use of a TENS unit- a little briefcase thing which included a machine that would send electric shocks into the small of my back while clipped to my belt.  I had to put down a $200 deposit for the machine, which was available only with a prescription, despite the fact that it consisted entirely of sticky pads and wires and a box which directed about the same amount of electricity as your average Sony Walkman.

When my therapy ended, I went online and discovered something very interesting- I could buy a TENS unit from any number of pharmacies in England for about $30, no prescription required.  I bought one, to deal with occassional flare-ups of back pain (unlike most Americans I see in commercials, I would rather not pop Tylenol every few hours or even an Aleve every freaking day I have back pain.  I kind of like my liver.  I'm funny that way.)

Well, look who's finally caught up.  Now you can buy a cheap, probably very temporary version of the TENS unit which has been sold over the counter in the UK for more than a decade, and I'm sure it's going to be a very popular idea because hey look here's Shaq selling it.  I bet Icy Hot's version doesn't last one-tenth as long as the $30 unit I bought in 2004 (it would be hard to tell, because mine STILL works.)  But this is just another example of how Capitalism triumphs in the US-- YEARS after a simple but effective device which (need I remind you?) does not require drugs with awful side effects was made available across the pond, we finally get to buy our own crappy Icy Hot version ($41.99 at my local CVS) in our own Grocery-But-Also-Drug stores.  And because this is America and all, our disposable version will be occupying landfills everywhere while those European TENS units just keep on working.  Just like mine.

Maybe we were just waiting for Shaq to say it was ok?

Acura does it their way. And we hate Acura all the more for it

"Their way" means taking an intensely overrated song from 400 years ago and mutilating it into an ear-bleeding, garbled mess we wouldn't recognize except for the somewhat familiar tune and using it to narrate a bunch of engineers ripping up and reassembling a car so that it looks-- just like every other freaking car on the road.

Making this whole experience not only a horrible waste of time, but a lie.  There's nothing special about this Acura.  There's nothing that makes it stand out from all of the other LookAtMeMobiles out there.  It's just another luxury car.  Hell, even the commercial isn't all that different from the others- just slightly more obnoxious in it's "look at we did aren't we awesome"-ness.   And just a little more likely to make us keep the remote with it's very friendly mute button handy.

Another stupid, pointless toy for vapid losers with way too much money

Know how commercials are kind of supposed to convince us exactly why we really need, or at least would really enjoy, the product being offered for sale?  Well, how does this ad come even close to pulling that off?

I mean, I guess if some woman finds herself married to a bored jackass who wants to pull his jogging outfit from 1975 out of the storage area in the attic, climb on to the roof of the garage, and try to throw a basketball through a hoop in the driveway, then yeah, you might want one of these things. Especially if you want to replay one part of it again and again and again with the rub of a finger.

But really, how many people out there really fit that description?  First of all what this guy is doing--- this is something I'd expect to see understimulated kids who have run out of ideas for wasting summer vacation do- and get yelled at by their parents for doing.  Second, if I were this woman I'd be too busy being embarrassed and apologetic to the neighbors to be actually filming my dumbass of a spouse.  I'd also be too busy yelling at him to get his fool ass off the garage roof and find something productive to do, the freaking knob.  Of course, this being 2014, it's far more likely that these hillbillies are proudly posting hubby's little stunt on Youtube in no time- and that it's getting 100,000 "likes" and a comments such as "LOL that is awesome I wanna do that" because YouTubers....well....

Meanwhile- anyone in this neighborhood trying to sell their house on this day?  Sorry, you are out of luck.

Oscar Mayer doesn't take pollution very seriously

Just one question- does it come with it's own designated landfill?

Twenty-five years ago I was stacking "Lunchables," Oscar Mayer's 90s version of it's Very Little Food Surrounded by a Lot of Plastic, at a Wegman's in upstate New York.  "Lunchables" at that time consisted of about eight crackers, eight slices of pre-sliced cheese, and a square of pressed ham you'd expect to see being dished out in some dystopia/crapsack world movie like "Divergent."

As it turns out, Oscar Mayer wasn't kidding- they don't like "fads" over there.  Here's the proof- Snackables for "adults" who have no more economic sense or social conscience than their parents did back in the 90s.  A handful (almost) of nuts, an ounce or two of cheese, and "meat" (not even named in this commercial- just to be safe, I guess- and because it's spoken you can't see the quotation marks around the word "meat.....")  I can totally see 5-6 of these providing a nice energy burst for the truly active guy.  Oh, and with a super-hip name: P3.  I guess that's "Protein 3," for the three ingredients- except it leaves out the Fat, Salt, and Preservatives that make up most of what's in the package.

And speaking of the package- again, the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Here's about six ounces of food wrapped in eight ounces of plastic that will still exist when the sun goes supernova.  Thanks, Oscar Mayer.  Twenty-five years later, you're still part of the problem.

(Oh, and BTW- smug doofus eating this junk? You'd be far better off doing any of those "stupid" things you are sneering at, including guzzling that protein drink, than popping that fatty, salty junk.  And you'd be doing the world a favor, too.  Not that you look like you're in to that kind of thing.)

Quick Message to Taco Bell

Proving that you can make a commercial as vapid and just plain dumb as any McDonald's ad doesn't make me want to eat your grease-infused, calorie-dense yet nutrient-deficient junk any more than I want to eat the lard-based crap being served up by McDonald's, ok?

In one version of this ad which I could not find, the group is asked "why do you get  burritos at Taco Bell" or something like that.  There's a long pause, until the Oldest and Widest Amongst Them quips "you don't go to a burger place to get sushi."  His fellow losers are so impressed by this example of Old Guy Wit that they break into laughter.  No kidding. Find the ad.  See for yourself.

(Personally, if I want Actual Mexican Food, I don't go NEAR Taco Bell.  My guess is that quip wouldn't make it into the final commercial.)

Now you can tell these attention-starved losers who were cursed with unfortunate names by their parents to go home and live down their appearance in this god-awful commercial.  We're done.