If you can't beat the Zombies, join the Zombies?

Yes, I suppose that if you don't understand the tv-addled morons who bleat lines from the shows they are sadly devoted to, you might feel a little "left out."  Of course, it's kind of like being left out of a group's drug addiction (actually, it's exactly like that,) but if you absolutely must be a part of the crowd, then by all means get Xfinity and devote every spare moment of your life catching up on all the brainless crap your co-workers are watching.

Or, just do what I do- shrug and move on, confident that the fresh air, sunshine, exercise, books and friends who "deprive" you of time to turn your brain into pudding watching all this crud as your eyes burn out of your head is a fair exchange for witless, violent junk, even if it means you don't always know what your stupid, time-sucking coworkers are talking about.   Your choice.

The most depressing pool party ever

There is so much wrong and sad here, it's almost impossible to know where to start.  I really should get paid for this gig- but doing work I'm not paid for is kind of a way of life for me anyway, so....

This festive-looking gathering is one kid's graduation party, being hosted at his house by his parents.  The kid has a lot of pretty, racially diverse friends who have shown up because it's a good setting to talk about and demonstrate their phones and after all Hey There's a Pool to sit around.  He has more friends than these though because he and his guests keep getting texts from people who are NOT there- one even asks "hey, what's up?"  (I suppose the reply will be "I'm at my own graduation party, kind of awkward to let you know you weren't on the invite list.")

His dad can't be Typical TV Dad Stupid- he has to ramp it up a notch by claiming he can smell the picture of ribs that his son just took (doesn't occur to dad that what he smells is the ribs he is cooking, which are directly under his nose, oh no....)  Naturally, Mom is there to let Dad know what a clueless jackass he's being.  Of course.

Mom and Dad seem to be seeing their son's phone for the first time- I guess he paid for it himself at least- um, right?  Oh, who am I kidding.  Mom and Dad paid for the phone- they just don't know anything about it because Newly Minted Graduate Son picked it out, they just paid for it and continue to pay for it.

Now that I think of it, this isn't a party at all-just  a gathering of people who want to compare phones which quickly devolves into two camps- those who have this Cool New Phone Which Will Be Ancient Crap Next Summer and people who still have Last Summer's Cool New Phone Which Is Ancient Crap Now.  If I showed up with my LG Xpression, which I believe was the Must Have Phone of February 2011, I probably wouldn't even be allowed in.  And if I mentioned I didn't have a phone or didn't bring it with me?  They'd look at me like I was Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.  No phone?  How do I watch tv?  How did I FIND the party?  How do I breathe?

Well, I didn't know how to start this critique, but I sure know how to end it.  All the people in this ad need to die and end their worthless lives right now.  Sometimes "harsh" and "true" are the same things.

Subaru gets Love wrong. Again.

I guess this is supposed to be a Dad trying to connect with his Son, but it's so devoid of human emotion, it feels a lot more like Mom's New Boyfriend trying to connect to Her Kid to me.

Dad's being a total fail here on so many levels.  First of all, why is the kid in the back seat?  So Dad can keep his distance, reminding himself that the kid is there now and then by glancing into the rear view mirror?  Are Subarus so unsafe that it's not recommended kids ride in front?  What the hell?

Secondly, there's no dialogue between the two at all.  Dad seems to think that all he has to do is show the kid a few disconnected objects- a tree, a view- no need to let the kid know WHY he's showing these things.  Why is this tree so important?  Because it's big?  What ABOUT the view?  Is it supposed to inspire?  Why isn't Dad doing any instructing or explaining or just plain SHARING?  I don't blame the kid for not responding- he has no idea what this is all about.  So he takes refuge in his cell phone, as if he is alone in on this journey- because he might as well be.

The father finally- accidentally- discovers something the kid likes- Bison.  So he does something right- he brings the kid to see more bison.  Cool.  Does this lead to a discussion of bison including what other animals they are related to, or what they eat, or how they were hunted almost to extinction 120 years ago?  That would be great.  Considering that all we see at the end of the ad is the two mutes staring at a herd, why do I doubt this?

Maybe Subaru should just drop this "Love" ad campaign.  They don't seem to know what the word means beyond "Love means using your Subaru to do stuff."  And they don't even know how to illustrate THAT meme very well.  At all.

Snickers Halloween Ad: Because being clever and different is so very, very wrong

In real life, a "Horseless Headsman" is a really brilliant, out-of-the-box idea, and if this costume was actually possible to make in a non-CGI world the kid who pulled it off would be praised as a genius.

In Reel Life, the other kids sneer at the "Horseless Headsman" and assume it's a stupid mistake because hey, we all know what a "Headless Horseman" is- we've all seen someone go to a Halloween Party or trick-or-treating dressed as him, it's pretty standard, it's as imaginative as a vampire or a ghost, so that's obviously what the kid Was Supposed To Be because thinking outside the box is way uncool.

Personally, I'll take the Horseless Headsman kid and reject the one who thinks Oh Wait You're Right I Wanted To Do This According To Script.  Because, you know, it's actually pretty clever.

Well, at least there's no mystery as to where the Snickers bar came from.  I just wonder why the Horseless Headsman kid would be hungry- I'd think with a costume like that, he'd be collecting a lot of candy from adults who can appreciate imagination and are willing to reward it.

Well, AT&T, you really had me going for a few seconds there!

For about the first fifteen seconds of this ad, I thought I might actually be watching a commercial for cell phones or data sharing or some other 21st century thing I don't really understand or want to understand that I actually liked, because it featured kids doing something approaching Cool which required something approaching Skill instead of the usual brain-dead texting and movie-viewing crud we expect to see in commercials for cell phones or data sharing.

Those first fifteen seconds were not only Not Horrible, but actually pretty entertaining and fun.  I could even ignore the fact that these kids were splayed on furniture while the sun streamed in from the window- something my parents would not have tolerated.  Can't have everything, after all.

But then of course AT&T had to remind me that I was watching a commercial, which meant that the kids HAD to end up acting like spoiled, disrespectful, unappreciative assholes to their father who provided all this, and that Dad had to end up being portrayed as a clueless, About As Uncool As Even Dad Can Get buttinksy who needs to get back into the kitchen and finish cooking the kids dinner instead of trying to be a part of their lives with his lame-ass non-electronic music Thank Goodness None Of Our Friends Were Here To See This OMIGD I Would Rather Die.

Nice save, AT&T.  Just make sure nobody ever edits this ad- you wouldn't want anyone to be left with the impression that kids can just have fun with your overpriced, stupid gadgets without sneering at Dad too.  That would be just awful.

Another take on this awful Buick commercial

In another version of this ad,* we see the spoiled Suburban princess actually spying on the Garcias using a pair of binoculars as she drools over their new Buick- "Looks like the Garcias have a new car."

"Good for the him" her husband intones.

"Good for her" she replies.  Yeah, because living in this f---ing palace with freaking gold gates isn't good enough for you- now you want a new Buick, too.  I know that everyone in TV land lives like this- but why does every commercial have to pretend that everyone in REAL LIFE occupies massive palaces in gated communities?

The Garcias live in a gilded cage- good for them.  Both of them.  Except, they have neighbors who stand at their windows and evaluate them through binoculars.  I'm not sure it's worth it.

*When I find the "Good For Her" version of this ad on YouTube, I'll replace it here.  But you've all seen it.

Like the commercial, hate the website

Is there a more depressing site on the web than weather.com?  It's not the weather- I expect it's usually accurate as weather forecasting sites go.  It's the little stories that the site is always asking us to click on.  Man, they are downers- "This woman died on her honeymoon," "Child's Final Tragic Moments," "Horror at Beach House- You Won't Believe It..."

I mean, what the hell?  Why is Weather.com always trying to tickle our Morbid bone?  I go to the site to see if I need an umbrella, not to find out if a blonde girl has been abducted and beheaded (yes, she has) or if a guy has been killed by a freak tidal wave (yes, he has.)  This other crap?  I'd rather read about the One Trick To Cut Your Car Insurance If You Live In Maryland (what a coincidence- I do!) or Why Doctors Hate This Man or Why The IRS Hates This Man (same man?  Don't know...)