Is this really the best you can do, Heineken?

Remember when beer commercials used to feature girls in bikinis?

There are approximately 280 versions of this rock-stupid ad playing during every Major League Baseball game.  Each one is dumber than the one before, and I can't help hoping that Mr. Harris is doing this because he lost a bet, and not because he's willing to be a Jackass Pretending To Be Cute* for a few extra bucks.  At any rate, I'd still rather see this than the Hicks Screaming in Nissan ads that dominated my June baseball viewing.  Doesn't make it worth watching, though.  And it's definitely not cute or clever.

It's also an ad for a beer with the word "Light" in it's name- meaning that I know the product isn't worth consuming, either.

*(Full Disclosure- I never watched a single episode of either Doogie Howser, MD or How I Met Your Mother.  In fact, the only thing I've ever seen this idiot in is Starship Troopers, where he had a very small but significant role as a telepathic military scientist- or something.)

This still looks better than "Spy"

Sometimes, no matter how long a commercial is, there's just one scene that jumps out and sticks with me.  Sometimes I can't get past that one scene, and it becomes the only thing I comment on.  This is one of those commercials.

I really don't care about the "haha isn't this funny it kind of looks like a Lifetime Movie trailer" bit- it's been done before, it's old, it's stale, and it can just go away now.  There's nothing especially clever about disguising an ad as something else, and there's certainly nothing clever about this version.

But here's the part that really rankles- the narrator is talking about "new beginnings," inferring that it's time for someone- the scruffy suburban jackass drooling over the Audi- to get himself a new car.  Scruffy Suburban Jackass is so determined to get himself one of these sweet Audis that he's got a FOR SALE sign on what is obviously a brand new BMW.

Oh yes, we can so relate, Audi. It's so easy for this particular reviewer to relate that I hope if someone like Scruffy Suburban Jackass actually exists in real life, and if he actually manages to sell his showroom-gleaming BMW (another impulse purchase) by sticking a FOR SALE sign on the windshield (instead of, oh, I don't know, taking it to an Audi dealer as a trade-in,) he eventually grows up and stops being such a stupid, impulsive, dissatisfied idiot when it comes to his gilded yet oddly pointless life.  Or that he bursts into flames for absolutely no reason.  Either would be fine with me.

Chevy Presents another episode of "Tomorrow, The World."

At the end of this noxious pile of dung, one of the kids is so delighted at her ability to finish watching a movie while sitting in the back of an automobile that she hugs the car.  You know, like she probably hugs her mom and dad and favorite pet.  Because hey, the car comes with WiFi which means you can watch a movie while riding around in it.  What could you possibly love more?

And let's all pretend that this about the kids, and not jackass adults who want to be able to send email and watch movies and update their Facebook pages while maneuvering through traffic.  Because paying attention to the road?  That's so Pre-WiFi In the Car.

But these children ARE the future, which means that we are setting ourselves up for a generation of adults who will EXPECT WiFi in the car, just like they now expect it in airplanes (not just airports) and restaurants and coffee shops and everywhere else.  They'll tell THEIR children that there used to be these things called "Hot Spots," which meant that there used to be places without internet access, and they'll all struggle to understand the concept.

Civilization is coming to an end.  It was fun while it lasted.  Sometimes, anyway.

Xfinity Presents the Future of....umm.... "Awesome....."

Family Gathering, Before Xfinity:  Frustrated parents and frustrated kids forced to be in the same room (otherwise it wouldn't count as "family time" or a "family gathering," and Mom and Dad absolutely insist on at least twenty minutes of this every day, no excuses) desperately trying to avoid actually talking to each other (because that's not required during family time) despite the fact that their lame internet is soooo slow and they can't all stream their favorite crap at once.  If this keeps up, they might actually have to put the electronics down and god knows where that would lead to- board games?  Story-telling?  Actual human interaction?  Horrors.

Family Gathering, After Xfinity:  Everyone has lightning-fast streaming on their very own internet-connected device and Family Time is Fun Time again because it's just like Non-Family Time, except instead of being in seperate rooms they are All Together in the same room, like good families should.  Heck, I bet this contributes to even more Family Time, as long as Family Time continues to mean Everyone Is In The Same Room.

Awesome or not, I'm glad the future is for other people.  I don't want to live there.

My neighborhood for the next seven weeks....

I arrived in Vermont just after noon yesterday for a summer of mowing lawns, country hikes, swimming, Mountaineers Baseball (New England Collegiate Baseball League, Champions in 2006 and 2007) a week at the ocean and the wedding of a sister.  Except for the wedding, it's part of a ritual I've been practicing since my parents retired and moved back here in 1997.  I actually kind of like the humidity of the DC area, but it's certainly a lot easier to sleep when temps drop into the low-60s every night.

Anyway, we don't have 7-11s around here.  We have this place- Cumberland Farms, or just "Cumbys" to the locals.  Cumbys has pretty much everything you can find at a 7-11, including cheap iced coffee.  Like 99 cents for any size iced coffee.  It's actually pretty good- certainly worth 99 cents.

But this commercial is still pretty stupid- not for the reason the poster suggests- I don't think it's especially "sexist," because I don't think it makes men look especially stupid.  Like the guy at the end says, "you would have done this for any of us."  It's not the Big Stupid Guys falling all over themselves to save the Little Lady's iced coffee- it's that the iced coffee is so awesome that it would be a tragedy if it were to spill.  But that's what make it stupid- the iced coffee is 99 cents. If it fell on the ground, she shrugs her shoulders and goes back in and gets another one (in fact, if the store is in Vermont, chances are the person in the counter tells her "oh, that's too bad- just pour yourself another one, don't worry about paying again, honey."  Because people are kind of like that here.)

I mean, it's not like this woman is walking out of Starbucks with a $7 Venti Frappacino.  I can totally see people diving to save that from hitting the pavement.  That's not an impulse buy- that's an investment.

Listerine demonstrates a trend which really needs to stop now

The trend being "commercials disguised as serials."  We all know the drill- since people tend to zone out during ads which all basically look the same, more and more companies are trying to con us into paying attention by pretending that they are showing us a trailer for a wacky comedy or drama, nailing us with the "haha this is just a commercial, sucker" at the very end.  It works really well- if you are intensely stupid, as 99 percent of YouTube viewers seem to be.

For anyone with even a modicum of intelligence, that these are advertisements becomes obvious within three or four seconds.  But we aren't the intended audience, clearly.

Instead, the people these are aimed at are incredibly easily-deceived, slack-jawed morons who will not only be taken in by the "storyline," but will also fail to be insulted by the deception and will think it's cool that a company went to the "trouble" to produce something so "witty."  Believe it or not, there are plenty of them.  Check out the comments.

Personally, I blame that Taster's Choice series of commercials back in the 1980s featuring a budding romance between a woman and her next door neighbor who dropped in for coffee one day, was treated to horrible instant junk, and yet was so enamored that he kept coming back for more.  Or maybe she was the one who dropped in- I don't remember.  But it was the first set of commercials with a storyline that I remember, so I'll blame them for our current situation.

Meanwhile, I don't care about this ugly woman or her ugly, stupid family or why she thinks she needs to make sure they have clean breath (they all look perfectly old enough- I won't use the term "capable," because check out their behavior, ugh- to decide what to do about their oral hygiene, geesh is mom going to check their butts for bits of toilet paper like the cartoon bear in the Charmin commercials next?) I'm just going to let Listerine know that I don't appreciate the effort they put into this, at all, and I don't care what "happens next" with "The Franklins."  So please, stop this "series" and get back to just telling us how that stinging sensation proves your product is working, ok?  That was much better and probably didn't cost you nearly as much money anyway.

McDonalds, the...umm... "Realm of Happiness."

You know why McDonalds started putting "Playlands" in their "restaurants?" It's the same reason they've been putting toys in Happy Meals for the past several decades- to imprint on young minds the idea that McDonalds=Fun.  It's just another take on the concept of "Comfort Food"- when we become adults, we are more likely to associate McDonalds with happiness, without even really knowing why.  So when we are sad, moody, out-of-sorts, bitter, etc.-- in other words, Being Adults-- we will gravitate to the place that, for some reason we don't quite grasp, will make us reasonably ok with our lives, at least for a few minutes.

This commercial seems to be tossing the facade into the waste basket and blatantly exposing what is supposed to be this trade secret- yep, here it is, folks- McDonalds is sold to very little children as a magical land of fairies and fun and if you allow this place to be associated with All That Is Good And Comforting In The World, they'll grow up seeing it as a sanctuary from the Real World.  This poor little girl- who seems to have OD'd on something, BTW- sees nothing but joy in a trip to the Land of Greasy Junk that can be purchased with the change found under the car seat.  Mission Accomplished, McDonalds- here's another kid who is going to grow up eating your crap and not even knowing why, unless as an adult she sees this ad.  And by then it will be too late, of course.

There are two parts of this ad I'm not even going to deal with, because- just too weird even for me.  One is the Bluto character staring down at this little girl.  I don't know what that's all about, and I don't think I want to.  The other is the kid with the blue balloon- I don't know what he's doing, and I don't care.  I will say that if kids are doing these things at my local McDonalds (there are about thirty of them, actually) it's yet another good reason to stay away.

Oh, and the kid who whips the straw out of his drink because he's decided it's a sword (I guess)- well, whatever.  Kids will do stupid things like that, and make messes in the process, because parents aren't going to parent when they bring their kids to McDonalds.  If they were interested in parenting, they wouldn't bring their kids to McDonalds, after all....