I can see where an actual flamethrower would come in handy here.

Yes, stupid lady, Gary remembers what happened last time.  And he doesn't give a damn because hey, he's Gary and he's a guy and you keep following him to Dairy Queen like a very, very unhappy little puppy.

Maybe it's just a lack of self-esteem?

I mean, think about it for a second.  From this guy's change in facial hair (which is supposed to indicate the passage of time, right?) the couple in this ad has been coming to Dairy Queen for years and years, and for years and years Gary has been making a total ass of himself every. Single. Time.

Yet, not only does this guy keep coming back to Dairy Queen- but this woman keeps coming back with him.  To be embarressed by his idiot behavior.  Over and over again.

By the time we get to the Present Day, she looks totally deflated, defeated, and most of all resigned to the idea that this is the guy she's going to be with for the foreseeable future.  All she can manage nowadays is a resigned "you know yourself, Gary."  Someone taught this woman very, very well that no matter how painful and life-sucking it may be to be with a guy, it's still better than being alone.

There is absolutely nothing worse than being alone- not even being with Gary.

But hey, maybe after becoming a familiar sight at Dairy Queen ("oh great, here comes Miss Desperate and Braying Moron Boyfriend Again") this time she's going to get a break- Gary has purchased what looks to be about two ounces of ice cream to cool down his mouth after whatever jalepeno-infested crap he insists on consuming gets eaten.  A fountain soda filled with a cold drink and ice couldn't do it, but a child-sized sundae will, huh?  Well, whatever, Dairy Queen.  It's your commercial.

And whatever, sad lady- it's your life.

(Heads up, kids and people- I'll be taking my annual vacation to the beach tomorrow and won't be able to update this site until next Saturday.  Enjoy the Archives 'till then!)

Hunger Can't Kill My Determination to be an Incurable Adolescent

It's almost frightening to think how many "men" out there think that this ad is in any way cool, let alone think that hanging out with other "men" in a living room during what is an obviously very nice day with Escape-Your-Pathetic-Reality glasses strapped to your empty head is in any way a "life."

It's absolutely no surprise that Hot Pockets are the go-to food of choice for "men" who would engage in this kind of activity.  As long as you are engaged in a lame substitute for life, why not fuel it using a lame substitute for food?  And as long as your activities are more appropriate for eight-year olds, why not eat crap made for stupid, Devil-May-Care eight year olds and their clueless "oh let's just buy it sure it's crap but it's easy to heat up and then they'll leave us alone" parents?

One YouTube commentator wonders how the jackass at the center of this awfulness was able to find the microwave.  I think the answer is actually pretty obvious- he spends so much time playing this asinine, life-sucking junk that he's memorized where the freezer and microwave is, because man it's a pain to take a break from the virtual reality that is so, so much more interesting that real life.  The lamp?  Who cares where that is?

For the people who have everything-- More!..

In every single one of these awful Swiffer ads, people living in houses which suggest that they have absolutely no need for a free ten-year supply of anything open their massive doors to discover that the Mop Fairy has left them a free ten-year supply of Swiffer mop thingees.  So their Almost Perfect Lives are now Almost Perfect Lives with clean floors.  Uh huh.

I keep opening the door to my Not-House and finding no packages containing anything I didn't order and pay for.  Meaning that the Swiffer Mop Fairy is a lot like Santa Claus- it saves the very best gifts for people who can already afford pretty much everything they want.  If I get a Free Sample of dog food it makes my day- and I don't even own a dog.

Now I can go back to worrying if my jacket is properly zipped....

Full Disclosure:  I use these things, and they're great for exactly the reason claimed- because when you want to keep a steady pace up over a long distance, there's nothing more annoying than having to stop to tie your shoes.  I wish I had invented them.

I'm only including this ad because of a line I read at the official website- "finally, an end to the stress and worry of untied shoes...."  Shoes coming untied are annoying.  But I have to say, I've never experienced "stress" and certainly not "worry" over them.  I mean, they are kind of a fact of life.  If you "worry" about your shoes coming untied and you aren't on a killer escalator or walking a tightrope, you don't have enough actual problems in your life.  Would you like to borrow some?

Well, at least no one's screaming in this Nissan ad...

So instead of just getting Little Jimmy to the next bus stop, Dad decides that the best thing to do would be to "race" the schoolbus?  Hmm, good thing that the schoolbus and dad's car are the only two vehicles in this entire suburban landscape, and good thing that the bus driver, the dad and his kid are the only people who exist in this particular universe, otherwise the dad's decision to drive 60 MPH down those streets might come across as a bit....irresponsible?

No speed bumps either- who needs them in a town with a population of three people anyway?

Not pictured: What any of this had to do with buying anything

So....when this stupid idiot was bitten by an unfamiliar watersnake, he

1.  Decided to seek out a couple of inbred, toothless hicks who coudn't speak recognizable English instead of, oh, I don't know, going to a hospital.  Maybe this particular car doesn't come with GPS or WiFi and maybe this is the only other person on the planet other than me who doesn't own a SmartPhone?

2.  Figured that no matter what the fugitives from Deliverance told him, he had been bitten by a poisonous snake.  Kind of makes you wonder why he asked.  Then again, this is a guy who still hasn't gone to a hospital to be checked out.

3.  Clearly never, ever went to a hospital and survived the snake bite out of sheer dumb luck because the snake was not, in fact, poisonous.   I don't know if he's telling this story that night, or a month later, or five years later, but he's made it quite obvious that he never consulted a professional about the snake bite.  Because he thinks that he's just immune to snake venom.

4.  Anyone else want to see this idiot continue to wade through swamps in total confidence that he's immune to snake venom?  Or is it just me?

The "Colonel" is spinning in his bucket.....

I have nothing against Darrell Hammond- though I will say that his Bill Clinton impersonation paled in comparison to Phil Hartman's- and I'm glad he's picking up a paycheck here, but that doesn't mean this isn't seriously creepy.

After all, this character comes right out and says that he IS Colonel Sanders- not an actor playing him.  Harlan Sanders has been dead for 35 years.  And even when he was alive, I don't recall ever seeing him act like this- what's with the creepy giggle?

It seems to me that if you are going to have an actor impersonate a dead person, that actor is kind of required to have some respect for the character and stay within the actual parameters of the character's actual personality.  Hey, KFC- I'd much rather see old commercials featuring the actual guy, but barring that, at least spare us this Circus Clown Pretending To Be The Long-Dead Face of the Franchise bit, ok?  Because jeeesh, this is tacky.