Audi ramps up the loathsome meter

The guy in this ad who gives his wife/girlfriend a brand-new SUV, only to have her get distracted by a "better" car as it drives by a moment later- so soon, in fact, that she doesn't even have time to express the gratitude she doesn't feel for a gift that costs about as much as dinner for 10,000 homeless families at the town's shelters- really ought to just say "only kidding" and take the damn thing back to the dealer for a refund.

Then he should donate that money to those homeless shelters.  He won't, of course, because anyone who would buy one of these LookAtMeMobiles is a self-centered, self-satisfied, amoral douchenozzle who probably speeds up and looks at his Italian shoes as he passes Salvation Army kettles or those aforementioned homeless people.

Oh and by the way, the people who made this should all die horrible deaths.  Not to be overly negative, but there it is.

Three Quick Question for viewers of this Verizon Ad

Never mind all the Norman Rockwell-ish imagery that pervades this cloying nonsense.  Here's what I want honest answers to:

1.  If the parents had slipped each of their crying little brats a shot of whiskey instead of handing them an electronic drug to keep them occupied during the long drive to Grampa's, would that have been worse?  I mean, the whiskey would have just knocked them out and given them a nice nap.  The tablet encourages the use of a glowing screen as a babysitter/pacifier.  Plus, it can't be great for their eyes.

2.  If Verizon really wants us to shut our electronics off-- ever-- why do all of it's commercials celebrate the "miracle" of 24/7 "connectivity" and the "joy" of houses filled with people staring at their personal electronic best friends while ignoring those organic life forms who seem to exist to suck up data and deny them their share of broadband?

3.  Did anyone visiting you this holiday actually shut their phones off when they arrived at your house so they wouldn't be disturbed by the outside world and would spend their time actually enjoying your company and the company of other people in the same room?  And if you answered "yes," is there room in your family for one more?

Chrysler: Your place for really, really bad cross-promotion

Maybe I should be thankful that The Hunger Games didn't go with Arby's or KFC to pitch it's (thankfully) final chapter, which btw somehow takes the second half of the third and dullest book of the series and turns it into a full-length film in the service of making another billion dollars.  But using Chrysler doesn't make any sense at all, either- "if you're an unknown..." Chrysler is an unknown?  Huh?

The rest of this ad is just as awful- because it takes the opening failure to connect the movie and the car and just keeps trying to pound it into our skulls, like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that simply MUST be made to fit or a square peg that must be forced into a round hole, dammit.  The problem is that anyone with half a brain is well aware that a film about the final victory of a ragtag group of rebels over a brutal totalitarian dictatorship has precious little in common with buying an overpriced SUV.  Unless I'm missing something.  (I'm not.)

Oh, actually I am missing something- I'm not going to see this movie, either.  I read the books and saw the first two films in the theater and caught the third one on Roku.  As I stated above, the third book was a bore and the third film was an almost preposterously ponderous, obviously padded waste of time.  I'm not endorsing the current "string them along and then make the third book into two films" phenomena by shelling out $10 to see Katniss make the inevitable decision to be with that whiny, perpetually wounded and helpless dishrag Peeta (sorry for the spoiler, but geeeeeshhh....)  Not when there's a James Bond film playing in the same theatre.  Which reminds me, I'm thirsty for a Heineken for some reason.....

This isn't helping, either

If there are any people left in the world who don't already loathe Americans, it's only a matter of time before they see this commercial and it becomes unanimous.  Hell, after one viewing I wanted to punch myself in the face while burning a flag.

Yeah, these people look like they are really anxious to save 25%, Kay Jewelers

"For the woman who already has everything, including an impossibly enormous, almost cavernous mansion, a successful Eurotrash-wannabee husband, and 2.5 children:  Another F---ing Rock, courtesy of Kay Jewelers."*  At least we don't see someone drive off in a $75,000 SUV at the end of this crud.  Even without that, I don't buy the idea that the 25% sale was what sealed the deal for this guy.  Judging from his surroundings, I doubt he's noticed the price tag of anything for quite some time now.

Warms the heart.  Or turns the stomach.  Or has me reaching for the cyanide.  One of those.

Between Kay Jewelers, Audi and Lexus, it's going to be a long, painful rest of the year.

*You're trying to hard, buddy.  You bought her a long time ago with the house and kids. The repeated purchase of cheap jewelry won't bring her back if she's wandering, and won't change her mind if she's considering looking for an exit.  But again- you can afford it, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Better warn Mom- this guy will be moving back in soon

...because he's proving in this ad that he's simply not ready to be out on his own yet.

I mean, think about it.  He's an "artist" obsessed with the need for a good couch (you know, buddy, if you spent more time actually working and less time reflecting on how badly you need a place to comfortably rest your butt, you might not have such crappy credit...)  He doesn't need a clean apartment, he doesn't need a good credit score, he just needs a good couch.  That will fix everything.  Uh huh.

Ah, but he's got a girlfriend ready to give him truly horrible advice- "just go to Aaron's- you just need first month's payment!"  Yeah, that's all you need- kind of like those "Sign and Drive" events where you can drive off with a car "for practically just your signature."  Next comes the other 35 payments you'll be making on the awesome couch you "needed" and which will end up costing you roughly five times more than you would have paid for the same couch at Penny's if you had just been willing to save for it.  Then again, if you had ever shown any inclination to save for anything, you wouldn't have that terrible credit score, would you?

Tip to couch guy:  That girlfriend is not your friend.  Tip to girlfriend:  Your "artist" boyfriend is in a big enough hole without you handing him another shovel.

Someone do this idiot a favor and introduce him to a few Aaron's customers- or Rent A Center customers (same people.)  Maybe he'll get a badly-needed education concerning companies which take advantage of people with crappy credit scores who want to pretend that they have the right to nice things like people who have good credit scores (or who just save up for the things they want, and know the difference between "wanting" and "needing.")

Maybe the same person can also do his mom a favor and encourage her to change her locks.  Because her idiot son is on the way back to her basement, this time with even more dismal prospects than before he moved out.

The Most Sexist Ad of All Time

"Hey Moms, if you have kids, does this look familiar?"

Um, I'm not a Mom, and I don't have Kids, and this STILL looks familiar.  Maybe because it's f---ing 2015 and even single guys do laundry these days.  This Good Housekeeping Better Homes And Gardens Betty Crocker crap really ticks me off-- and the comments underneath this YouTube clip don't exactly restore my faith in humanity; they are mostly "I hear ya!" affirmations from empty-headed clucking idiots almost as proud of the label "Housewife" as they are of their "MRS" degree.

Seriously what the hell is this? "Mom Hacks?"  Apparently it's a series of videos designed to help "typical moms" through what is supposed to be their "typical mom" lives- lives which involve preparing meals, cleaning, making beds, arranging and rearranging rooms, picking up after their kids and laundry, laundry and more laundry, all in a big cage--errrr,, house-- that hubby provided as his side of the bargain...err, I mean marriage.  When it comes to actually maintaining the home, I don't see a lot of input from Hubby-- oh, but I already forgot; he's out Making All This Possible by bringing home the paycheck.  He also gets to impregnate Mom every once in a while- that's part of the deal, after all.

A man doing laundry?  I think that would give the people who made these videos the vapors.

"Mom Hacks."  Because in someone's world, it's always going to be 1955.

One more Mom Hack- "don't keep a loaded gun near the washer, you might suddenly realize what your life has become.  Keep a bottle of Sherry behind the drier instead- you know, like your Mom always did."