Hampton Beach: Not the Bahamas. Never claimed to be.

Here's where I'll be- for the 20th year in a row- the first week of August, so I won't be posting again until next Sunday.  Love Hampton Beach while totally agreeing with some of the criticism here- Hampton is not Sandals, it's not the Outer Banks, it's not even Rehobeth.  It's a beach with a tacky boardwalk full of ice-cream, fried dough, cheap pizza and hot dog hole-in-the-wall feeding places, an arcade filled with mostly 80s video games, and $20-per-day parking lots servicing the people who can't afford to rent one of the hundreds of tiny, air conditioning-less houses within walking distance of the sand.

What it is is an affordable vacation for Middle Class and Lower Middle Class families which includes free entertainment (Movies on the Beach Night, Bands on the beach every night) and a big stretch of sand which is usually not super-crowded even on the steamiest days.  Which is good enough for the kind of people who have to save up for a vacation throughout the year but don't want to go into debt for it.

See you in a week!  Enjoy the archives!

Coors Light's "Restless" ad presents an alternate universe

Sure is fun watching the backsides of white people as they move relentlessly- oh, sorry, "restlessly" forward in their steely determination to Do Stuff and Then Drink Beer, isn't it?

Yep, it doesn't get tiring at all seeing several people from the same angle as they move forward by foot, by ship, and by jumping into unfamiliar bodies of water despite it being apparently 40 degrees or so in most of these scenes.  Seriously, did something get lost in translation here?  Are these people actually hiking through winter landscapes just to end up swimming around quarry holes before getting on ferries, stopping along the way to pop open a Coors Light (and perhaps discuss why the producer of this ad couldn't decide what time of year all of this is supposed to be taking place in?)

Anyway, it sure must be nice to be able to slap on a winter hat, toss on a light backpack, and then take a hike through the mountains that ends with Coors Light appearing out of nowhere (along with that suddden warm spell.)  After the swim it's right back to Winter as we take that ferry to Wherever As Long as People Keep Looking at My Back and there's Beer There.

I don't get beer commercials at all, and I don't understand why since they've been exactly the same for decades- "if you're young and adventurous (let's just say 'restless') this is the beer for you."  Just a mental block for me, I guess.

Range Rover Velar demands that we Respect Our Betters

..because I watch baseball games, and apparently somewhere in the audience for baseball games are people who live in gated mansions guarded by Siberian Huskies or White German Shepards or whatever the hell breed of dogs these are (the idiots at YouTube are arguing about it.  No kidding.  Check it out.  Next to desperately "needing" to know the "song" - I think they mean "music," as I don't hear any lyrics- they really, really want to argue about what kind of dogs these are.

Personally, I'm more interested in why I this commercial would make me want to drop 85,000 dollars (no kidding, that's the retail) on a fricking LookAtMeMobile.  Apparently, it's to earn the "respect" of the Perfect White Dogs who guard my f--ng palace.  What were those things going to do if the guy showed up in a mere Audi?  Eat it?

Clearly the message is that when you drive one of these Douchenozzle Delivery Systems, you command "respect."  The respect you think you deserve but apparently don't get enough of despite the ridiculous house guarded by ridiculous dogs.  Respect is all about having an extra $85 Gs hanging around, I guess.

This ad makes those Lexus December to Remember commercials look almost quaint, dont they?

Taco Bell and the Nacho Revolution against brain cells

I get that this is all about Taco Bell kind of snarking on the Hollywood Summer Blockbuster season with this overproduced, self-congratulatory pile of dreck disguised as a commercial for seasoned french fries, but....

All I could really think when watching it was this:  Only in America could a fast-"food" restaurant specializing in cheap, greasy crap find an audience for a fake "movie trailer" focusing on strips of potatoes bathed in hot oil, sprinkled with spices and served up with "Mexican Sauce" (Seriously, what the hell is that anyway?)  And get mouth-breathing losers singing it's praises on YouTube.  Man, are we stupid or WHAT?

Another Xfinity Watch Stuff With Other People Around Ad

Lost in all this nonsense is the fact that we have several adults hanging around some kids' birthday party watching a soccer match on their electronic devices for some reason.  I mean, I can't believe that those costumed people are there for the kids*- they aren't playing with those kids,** they aren't entertaining them in any way, they are just dressed while watching a soccer match.

And those guys wearing Suburban Dad outfits- well, maybe they ARE supposed to be suburban dads, but they can't possibly be the parents of any of the kids here, otherwise they'd be actually supervising or even (gasp) partaking in the fun those kids are having.  So why are they there?  Maybe the signal is really good in this backyard?

Way to waste those precious years while your kids are still kids, Stupid Adults.  "Hey, remember that birthday party where I won the cake-eating contest?"  "Um, no, where was I?" "Oh right, you were watching something on your phone.  Good times, Dad. Good times."

*A mime? Really, Xfinity?

**The douchenozzle "parents" are so absorbed with the soccer match that they can't even be bothered to remind the entertainment that they are being paid to ENTERTAIN and not watch tv?  WTF?

Xfinity's World of Awesome

Welcome to WOW!  Welcome to SMASH! Welcome to OMG DID YOU SEE THAT THING BLOW UP!

Welcome to a world where spending every possible moment of your life watching a screen is not only considered normal, but desirable- and, increasingly, a world you really have to be in if you want to show well for society when society deigns to raise it's head from time to time.

I'm ready to welcome you back into the real, non-fantasy world of actual people doing actual stuff, a world of books and music that don't just pour cotton candy images into your lard-infused brain, but why on Earth would you want to be there?  It's got nothing to do with Awesome, and Xfinity is All About the Awesome.

Oh, and in advance- welcome to Middle Age.  It's where you'll suddenly find yourself when you DO look up.  In Middle Age, and wondering where the hell the best years of your life went.  Let me clue you in- they went into consumption of packaged electronic entertainment.  Oh, and guess what?  They aren't coming back.  Ever.

Toilet Paper and a question about Suburbia

1.  No, nobody on the planet is confusing this toilet paper with a robe.  I know that the people who make this ad realize that and this is just a joke, but it's still a pretty stupid line.

2.  I've lived in the suburbs for more than twenty years.  I have never once seen anyone actually stand on the sidewalk in front of their house wearing a robe and holding a cup of coffee.  Or even just wearing a robe.  Does this ever happen in real life?  And if so, may I ask why?  Is standing in front of all your neighbors wearing a bathrobe and holding a cup of coffee just a privilege of suburban living I've never taken part in, or what?