Snickers hates families, responsibility, people in general....

This guy is daydreaming about quitting his job, deserting his family, and "just walking away."  Naturally, the YouTube glue-sniffers think this is just hysterical.

In fact, this commercial would actually work if we then cut to his wife thinking exactly the same thing.  No wait, it really wouldn't- because then we'd have Snickers presenting as comedy the idea that BOTH parents are fantasizing about abandoning all responsibility - "just walking away."

I guess the idea is that "you aren't yourself when you're hungry"- the guy doesn't REALLY want to abandon his wife and kids, he just slips into that mindset when his tummy is a little grumbly.  Is that supposed to make this more understandable?  Doesn't work for me.

Oh, and the YouTubers losing control of your bodily functions over this?  I bet none of you have jobs, a family, or a date in your measurable past or your perceivable future.   And I'm certain that the guy who called this a "dad joke" gets all of his information about "dads" from Andy Capp and For Better or For Worse strips.

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors ad campaign is no longer credible. So why is it still on the air?

So the same boring jackass has been hosting these Chevrolet "Real People Not Actors" commercials for YEARS now, but we are supposed to believe that Chevy can still find a group of Americans willing to be driven out into the desert and then "quizzed" about the identity of the truck manufacturer the spokeschoad is talking about and be even slightly uncertain as to what the correct answer is?  Really?

If I had been part of this group and heard the woman standing next to me answer "um...Ford?" I would have turned to her and responded "what, seriously?  Are you kidding me?  This guy is only slightly less recognizable than Flo from the Progressive Ads or that Eurodouche dweeb from Verizon.  He's asking you, a Real Person Not an Actor, to name the company that built the truck speeding toward you in the middle of this desert.  And you're totally clueless as to the answer?  What freaking rock have YOU been living under?"

Come on, Chevy.  You can't get away with this anymore.  You had a good run with this schtick- a good run which ended about three years ago, to be honest with you.  But you insisted on beating the bit to death because there's no end to the population of attention-starved jackanapes willing to slobber over your crappy trucks on TV.  Seriously, though- it's over.  Move on.  Because it's just not possible to believe the Looks of Amazement Upon Discovering Oh It's Chevy You're Talking About looks anymore.  It hasn't been, for a long time.  But nobody expected you to get it until long, long after we did.

In fact, every single one of your ads is a celebration of dishonesty.  Your Real People not Actors commercials feature people at least attempting to act.  And your "I just wanted to tell you....just one more thing" yapping jackass is also reading from a script.  This is obvious, and you clearly don't care that you're lying because you have zero respect for your potential customers.  What the hell did we ever do to you?

Again, please.  Stop insulting us and move on.

Mastercard's baby commercial leaves me with questions

1.  This guy seems perfectly competent when it comes to caring for that baby.  He isn't stumbling around, he doesn't look completely clueless and confused, and the kid never seems in any danger of being killed in 500 different ways during her 15-minute Dad time.  Maybe Commercial Land is starting to get it- we are way past the days of Michael Keaton and Mr.Mom, and guys taking care of their own offspring is not exactly like fish trying to ride bicycles.

2.  On the other hand, we see absolutely no interaction between Dad and Child throughout this entire ad.  The guy is just going about his day-to-day and the baby just happens to be along for the ride.  We never once see him kiss her or talk to her or in any way acknowledge her existance.  No, she's not in danger- but she's in no way Dad's active companion as he engages in one financial transaction after another.  She's JUST THERE.  Might as well be in a stroller or a backpack.

3.  This baby has bare feet throughout the entire journey from store to store, only wearing shoes when she's home....what the hell?  What was the weather like out there?  Let's assume it was nice and warm, because that way I don't have to get rid of Point #1.  But why stick shoes on the kid after you bring it in the house? 

More from the Adventures of CashNetUSA Man and the sad people who are grateful to him

So this woman gets an unexpectedly high bill and exclaims "I don't know what to do!"  Which I'm pretty sure is supposed to translate into "I don't have the money to pay this bill, and because I know absolutely nothing about how these things work, I assume that I'll be in debtor's prison this time next week!"

The disgusting spokeschoad for CashNetUSA.com who, I should charitably ad, is just a struggling actor trying to land his big break by making a total ass of himself on these commercials (I imagine that he daydreams being shown clips from these ads by Conan O'Brien someday while they both have a good laugh over his Humble Roots in the Trade) hears that she's in need of money and runs up six flights of stairs to intercept her and encourage her to check out the people who pay him.  Turns out that she can get that extra money she needs maybe even within 24 hours as long as she's got a car or something else she can risk losing and is willing to pay interest rates that would choke a horse.  Naturally, she's grateful.

Of course, if your credit rating isnt' in the toilet, you deal with things like this by using a credit card or taking out a small bank loan to cover the unexpected expense.  I suspect that CashNetUSA.com isn't all that interested in people whose credit rating isn't in the toilet- unless some of those people are actually stupid enough to think that CashNetUSA.com is a better alternative than a credit card payment or a bank loan (Earth to those people:  No, it's not.)  These people do exist, judging from the number of posts at RipoffReport.com written by Rent A Center customers who claim that they have good credit ratings, bank accounts, and credit cards yet STILL decided to rent at usury-level interest rates Just Because It Seemed Convenient And Plus I'm Stupid.

Geico presents the Big Family in the Tiny House joke

I usually wrap with this observation,  but this time I'll get it over with early- every single one of the comments posted under this video (other than my own, of course) is the product of a mentally ill chipmunk or a nickle-per-post loser trying to scrape together enough money to hit the McDonald's Dollar Menu.  You people are SAD.

Ok, on to this commercial:  Sure doesn't take much to get this guy happy, does it?  One last strip of grass on a lawn the size of a postage stamp?  I guess I should be grateful that this fat slob doesn't have a riding mower, but jeesh, buddy.  Not a whole lot going on in your life, is there?

Oh, and you save money with Geico, so you and your weird obese family can afford a few extra take-out pizzas per month, isn't that special.  Maybe you should knock off the junk food and save the money for a new addition on your tiny house which is nowhere big enough for your family of rhinos- seriously, it looks like you guys have to take turns using the living room.  To quote Daffy Duck, that house looks like you guys have to go outside to change your minds.  To paraphrase Mr. Burns, you are the fattest family I've seen in years, and I've been on Safari.

I'm sure that sounds mean, but that's only because it is.  This guy is stupid and gross and that house is comically small and his family is dumb to be so happy in it.  Even if I didn't hate everything already I'd loathe this commercial, but they sure make it easy.

Verizon's ubiquitious scumsucking loser promotes the death of stores

This creepy, greasy Eurotrash jagoff is taking a break from roaming around suburbs and parks jumping people with "information" about Verizon to hang out in a store having a verbal orgasm over the latest overpriced shiny toy that lets you buy things.

Not satisfied to gush over This Month's Must-Have Phone Offer to himself, he decides he's going to strike up a conversation with a Pretty Young Diverse Couple which was just minding it's own business and maybe already talking to an actual employee of the store.  He tells the guy side of the couple that he can find the sneakers he's wearing online.  Because the guy has apparently been living in a box for his entire life, he doesn't believe the claim that one could use a smart phone to shop online, I mean what kind of magic is that?

So greasy Verizon spokeschoad proves him wrong (I guess, we don't really see this, the ad just ends with him mugging for the camera with his stupid extremely punchable face.)  Let's take a moment to sum up the point of this guy's pitch- he's standing in an actual store, telling a customer that this new smartphone makes it super-easy to find and purchase sneakers online.  You just take a picture of sneakers, and "it will tell you where you can buy them."  You can do this in any store- just go to the nearest FootLocker, point your phone at a pair of sneakers on the shelf, and two seconds later you'll be told where you can buy them ONLINE.  Be sure to thank the FootLocker employee for putting the sneakers on display, and if you think about it, apologize for costing him a sale (and, eventually, his job.)

By the same logic, isn't it just as easy to use that smartphone- or any other smartphone, or a laptop, or the bulky desktop computer at the local library- to buy another smartphone?  Isn't this skinny uber-creep just telling us that the Verizon store he's standing in is an endangered species and that all those people working there will be searching for another dead-end, commission-based job in the dwindling brick and mortar economy in the very near future.....thanks, at least partially, to Verizon?

Finally- can someone please just kick this jackass to the curb already?  And then run over him while you're at it?  Please?

There are no Stakes to raise, Subway

I wonder how many times Subway thought we wanted to watch some kid's pathetic YouTube footage of him "accomplishing" the trick of flipping a water bottle so it lands on its cap- the kind of thing I take points off of tests for if my kids do it in class is something to be "celebrated" as an "accomplishment" to Subway, I guess.

The only thing I see being "accomplished" here is another episode in the very, very American series entitled "watch I filmed myself doing something almost unbelievably pointless and without value by any stretch of the imagination and even throw my hands up in triumph when I accomplished this stunningly stupid and pointless thing." 

Since there are no "stakes" here, I can only guess that Subway went with the tagline "Let's Raise the Stakes" in order to make a totally lame pun about Steak in the sandwiches.  Ok, fine- but why not accompany that little bit of punnery with someone actually ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING- why not show this kid getting first prize in a Science Fair or a 5 on an Advanced Placement Exam or even winning a board game with grandma (in which everyone wins, because time was spent with grandma instead of by yourself with your camera flipping a freaking bottle 2000 times until you "succeeded" in getting it land on it's cap, good lord just kill yourself now ok?)

Oh, right- because that's not at all funny or entertaining.  Never mind that this is pretty much the opposite of funny or entertaining, regardless of what the glue-sniffing morons in the comment section seem to think.  I'm going to avoid Subway out of principle after seeing this ad because man this is stupid- and calling it "stupid" is being really mild.