GEICO's holiday ad is a hit with the YouTube glue-sniffers

See, it's FUNNY because grampa's OLD and he's SNORING and we can make fun of him while he sleeps by playing with his nose!

And this entire house has exactly one room so it's not like we can just leave grampa alone to have his nap and go talk somewhere else, that's just not possible-- besides, if we left, we couldn't make fun of Stupid Old Grampa If He Didn't Want Us to make Fun of him He Wouldn't be So Old!

And all of this has to do with auto insurance 'cause Shut Up it's Funny!

(I'm warning you in advance: don't read the comment section.  Just.....don't go there.  Not if you want to retain even the slightest hope for the future of mankind.)

Ancestry DNA advises us to stick to our own

So this guy really wants nothing to do with the new neighbors who are experiencing their first Canadian winter.  The new neighbors tell him this as a way to break the ice (no pun intended) but his response is to go back to his coffee with a "leave me alone" look on his face.  This neighborhood is cold in more ways than one, turns out.

Oh, but wait.  Turns out that the new neighbor traces his ancestry back to Ireland, and so does the established "leave me alone" guy.  Well, why didn't you say so!  Now you both have something in common and worth bonding over.  You can share coffee and chats over the fence and when that fence breaks no big deal you'll fix it together and hey it's almost Christmas let's string lights together now that we are best buds because our great-great-grandparents lived on the same island once.

What if, after a couple of years, one of the neighbors casually drops the fact that his family came from a particular part of Ireland- the Northern Part- and originally resettled there from their palatial Estate in London?  How about if their first "Irish" ancestor was an Anglican Minister who actually spent most of his time in England but visited Ireland from time to time to collect rents from his serfs, until that whole famine thing caused him to kick all those dirty renters off his land and send them off to America?  How close is the bond between these neighbors going to be then?

Point is, maybe knowing some distant ancestors came from the same part of Europe isn't the strongest reason to stop being an antisocial dick to your neighbors and actually acknowledge their existence and maybe even be somewhat freindly to them.  This commercial makes it so obvious that if the new neighbors had been English, or French, or Italian, or Black, the Wall of Silence would have remained solid and unyielding.  I don't think that's a very heartwarming message.

I'd like to tell you what YOU can do, Pandora

The Normatively Beautiful Young Woman working in an office filled with Normatively Beautiful Young Women can't understand why her Blandly Handsome Boyfriend isn't surprising HER with balloons, flowers or ludicrously oversized, completely impractical teddy bears on Valentine's Day 2018.

Ah but it turns out ok- sort of- as Mr. Boyfriend From Central Casting was just waiting for  her to get back to their Standard Palace Apartment to give her a piece of rock on a metal string.  All is well with the world, except....

Now Normatively Beautiful Woman has to figure out how she's going to subtly let all of her female coworkers know that she has a new piece of jewelry that was given to her by her Standard Issue Boyfriend on Valentine's Day and he did NOT forget that Very Important "Holiday" he just didn't make a showy scene of the gift giving (which is what she wanted, but Shut Up He's Awesome.)

Dr Pepper ditched stupid doofus loser Larry for THESE people?

Dr. Pepper: Soda so crappy that it can only be the official drink of a place that doesn't actually exist!  Way to go, Dr. Pepper!

As for these people....well, WTF, like we haven't seen a version of this stupid crap 25,000 times in other ads.  The only thing dumber than the "how did we sit last time" shtick is the idea that these losers are wearing jerseys and face paint so they can sit on their livingroom couch and watch the game on tv.  And drink junk soda out of cans with the labels turned toward the camera.  All to root root root for Dear Old Generic State.  GOOOOOOO STATE!!

"See, guys, it's just like being at the game, except I didn't have to spend a hundred bucks on tickets!"

A Quaint Kohl's Black Friday Commercial

If you're under ten years old, you probably don't remember when Black Friday started on.....Friday.  That is, the Friday morning after Thanksgiving.  At around, say, 9 AM or so. 

And if you're under six years old you probably don't remember Black Friday starting at Midnight on Thankgiving, as this woman is singing about.  After a day of cooking, cleaning, hosting, and being with friends and family, she's wide awake, fresh, and first in line to get into Kohl's to take advantage of all the awesome sales that are regularly available from On The Brink of Bankruptcy Kohl's on the internet every single minute of every single day.  Because it's fun to be in a parking lot at midnight, I guess.

And of course nowadays there's no real start to Black Friday anymore- Kohls opens it's doors at 5PM on Thanksgiving, which I guess gives lunatic shopaholics more than enough time with that family and those friends, Hey It's Been Fun but there's money to be spent so Bye Everybody I'm off to the anachronistic mall to get stuff I could get online but It's Just Not the Same There's Something to be said for Tradition After All.  And I guess 5 PM gives all those workers enough time with their families as well- I mean, sure, a 5 PM opening probably means that most of them have to be at the store by 3 PM to set up, but heck how much time does it take to say you're thankful and eat and chat with loved ones?  There are consumers to be catered to, after all.

I think I'll look around for a Prager U video explaining to me how Black Friday is a celebration of Capitalism which means it's a Celebration of America which means it's an Affirmation of G-d's Existance, because this whole Black Friday thing is really getting me down.  Well, have the happiest Thankgiving possible anyway, people, for however long it lasts.

Second-by-Second Breakdown of this Best Western Commercial

Yes, I'm doing whatever I can do avoid writing a review sheet, writing a test, or revising my report card comments.  I might even clean my bathroom and vacuum after I finish this.

.01 Seconds- why does this woman look like she's just conquered a Best Western Hotel?  Holy crap, I understand and admire being proud of your job, but it's a freaking Best Western.  And you don't own the freaking place, you just work there!  WT Serious F???

..02- And now she looks into a bag and acts like it contains a million-dollar check from Publisher's Clearing House which will free her from the drudgery of a life that requires her to stay at Best Western Hotels,

.03 - but it turns out that it's just a free night stay, which causes her to spin into a dance of joy WTF IS GOING ON HERE??

.05- now she's eating her craptacular Continental Breakfast and being interrupted by an impossibly thrilled-to-death drone employee who just lives to ask her if he wants more freaking orange juice.  Good lord, woman, it's a Continental Breakfast.  If the guest wants more OJ, she can get the hell up and get it herself.  If you want to go around offering it that's fine, but please stop shoving your face into people who are just trying to eat to ask if they want their glass refilled.

:07- I work out at the local YMCA four times a week.  I am long past the thrill of walking on a treadmill.  This crazy woman acts as if it is the greatest moment of her life- or, at least, the greatest moment of her life since that time she won a free night at Best Western.

The final six seconds of this crappy nub of an ad is that way-too-familiar perky narrator squeaking about how superamazingawesome it is to get double rewards points because it results in even more nights at America's Favorite Bland Chain Hotel.  Yay.

Time to clean that bathroom.

Kelly Ripa gives us more reasons to hate Ancestry.com

So finding out you are 24% Italian increases the likelihood that you'll become an insufferable navel-gazing douchenozzle twat roughly 100%?  That your odds of being bearable around actual human beings drops roughly 75%?  Can someone explain to me how this commercial "sells" Ancestry.com as anything more than an opportunity to become more impossibly self-absorbed than you already are?

"Want to never, ever be invited to parties again?  Want people to scream in terror at your approach?  Get your results at Ancestry.com!"

Oh, by the way, here's Kelly Ripa's complete genetic breakdown, hacked from Wikileaks:

24% Italian

22% All My Children

54% Botox*

*I'm sorry, but this woman is 48 years old.  She does not look like this in real life.  The reason why she's constantly smiling in this ad  is because her face is permanently frozen in that position.  I don't think she is physically capable of blinking at this point.