Chevrolet, JD Power, and the bizarre Real People Cult

Let's cut to the chase with this crap, shall we?

JD Power and Associates is a "Global Marketing Information Service."  Which is to say, it conducts surveys of consumer satisfaction.  I just thought I'd let you know in case you had become convinced that existed ONLY to give ostentatious glittering plaques to Chevrolet- after all, the only time you EVER hear about this company is when Chevy's obnoxious Eurotrash spokeschoad is bleating about it to bs "real people" who are busily drooling over some BlandMobile or Truck.

JD Power doesn't buy advertising to let other companies know who they are or what they do.  They don't have to.  They figured out quite some time ago that all they have to do is hand phony awards to Chevrolet, and Chevrolet will be more than happy to give them free advertising- which also benefits Chevrolet.  Funny how that works, don't you think?

In fact, it's gotten so bad that in this particular commercial Chevy's played-out cretin spends the entire ad time praising...JD Power and Associates.  There's really no selling of a Chevy product anywhere in this ad.  Just this jackass with a Very Very Punchable Face telling us how very reliable JD Power and Associates' surveys are.   JD Power and Associates after all talks to even more Real People Not Actors than the Just Die Already scruffy Chevy yakker does, and whaddyaknow those Real People consistently say they bought Chevys and haven't killed themselves yet so Chevy must be really high in customer satisfaction JD Power and Associates says so.

And while this scumsucking little knob is busy kissing the butts of the company that keeps handing Chevrolet impressive-sounding but ultimately meaningless awards nobody outside of Chevrolet's corporate offices gives one flying damn about, a group of ethnically diverse zombies proceed to to close in on him like he's about to provide instructions for committing mass suicide.  Oh pardon me- I just envisioned a happy ending for this commercial.

Chantix Turkey Commercial snark, with commentary from YouTube posters

Take a look at the comments under this video- 90 percent of them include comments praising the "cute" and "adorable" turkey which gives them "the warm fuzzies."  Judging from these comments, there are a lot of people who actually LOOK FORWARD to these ads- I'm assuming because they are very small children trapped in the bodies of adults.

But maybe I'm being a little unfair.  So I'm going to intersperse dialogue from the commercial with snippets from actual YouTube comments (please feel free to check out the commercial and the comment section yourself if you'd like to check for accuracy...)

Commenter:  This is my favorite commercial. He just looks so calm and happy in his little puffy vest and hat, and I love his little head bobs as he walks. I dunno, it just gives me the warm fuzzies. :)

Commercial: "When you stop smoking with or without Chantix, you may experience nicotine withdrawal symptoms.

Commenter: I love this commercial and I actually look forward to this commercial coming onto the TV.

Commercial: "Stop using Chantix immediately if you start experiencing changes in behavior such as hostility, aggression, suicidal thoughts or actions, seizures..."

Commenter: I saw this commercial today and I thought it was so cute omfg 😭😭

Commercial: "Or life -threatening allergic or skin reactions..."

Commenter: This commercial is so clever , I love the intricate details. The turkey is so adorable I wish I could get one for a pet.

Commercial: "...increased alcohol use." Oh, and the fine print on the screen at this point adds "...a rash, peeling skin, or blisters.."

If you ever had any doubts as to why drug companies like Chantix use cute graphics, smiling people, outdoor settings and peppy music to sell potentially deadly drugs, this commercial should put them to rest for good. Almost none of the people commenting actually listened to the ad- they were too busy falling in love with a cartoon turkey. If they ever decide they want help in breaking the nicotine habit maybe they'll remember that awesome turkey that gave them the warm fuzzies and proceed to Ask Their Doctor if Chantix is Right for ThemTM. The potential side effects? What are those? If Chantix was dangerous, they'd have let them know, right?

One more Commenter: "He looks so happy and peaceful! It is cute as a button who wouldn't like this commercial. I don't understand the thumbs down from other people".

Yeahhhh....that's a good way to end this.

The Colonel Wants Us Dead

When I was a kid, dinner from Kentucky Fried Chicken was a once-or-twice-a-year treat were were always delighted to see mom and dad bring home.  It was so rare I can remember specific instances of having chicken and mashed potatoes and biscuits for dinner- who was there, how many pieces we had in leftovers and how we fought over them, etc. It seriously was like an extra Christmas.

And it was so good, I used to tell myself that when I was an adult, I'd eat Kentucky Fried Chicken all the time.  Of course, I didn't know that they'd change the formula (to make it less fatty) so that it wouldn't taste as good thirty years later- or that the pieces would stop looking big and meaty and become shriveled and dark in the serving by the end of the 20th Century.  Oh well, my arteries are far better off anyway.

Now, to this commercial- It's not Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore, it's KFC (because the Colonel is dead and his successors know that "fried" is not something we want to be reminded of these days) and Fast Food is not marketed as a Special Treat because there's nowhere near enough profit in that.  So KFC doesn't just have big buckets, they've got sandwiches and $5 boxes and these bowls which are super-convenient for lunch hours if you don't mind dying of heart disease before you reach middle age (this bowl- which includes fried chicken, four kinds of cheese and is served "drizzling with gravy," contains 720 calories, 31 grams of fat and almost 2500 grams of sodium.   I have no idea how anyone could eat this stuff and stay awake for the rest of the day, personally.  I do understand why a little kid would dream of growing up and living on it.  I don't understand how any adult could want to eat it, even once.

Ram Trucks and more stolen songs from my youth....

1.  One poster after another asks the same question:  "What is this song?"  Now, I'm aware that this is kind of a requirement of YouTube comment sections.  Still.  Come on.  If you don't know what song this is, find out quietly, don't let anyone know you don't recognize it.  Sure, you're using a fake name on the internet to ask...but still.  Just don't do this.

(oh, and....Fleetwood Mac?  Can I be charitable and assume you lost control of your song which I thought was the heartbreak that comes from discovering that your dreams do not mesh with the dreams of the person you were hoping to spend the rest of your life with? Can I?)

2.  Except for a few very brief shots of this truck towing a camper and being filled with something dirty and brown, the Awesome Features being demonstrated are nothing more than a huge view screen and an automatic step (in another commercial, we're told this thing has 19 speakers.  That's not a typo.  19 speakers.  You know, so the big, tough, dirt-encrusted guys who drive them can enjoy their Very Masculine Music as they head back to the Ranch House.  This is referred to as "Everything."

3.  Fully Equipped, these trucks run upwards of $50,000.  In other words, just perfect for the hard-workin' middle class they are marketed toward....right?

Geico, Therapy Ponies, and the twisted concept of "Help."

This time we've got two weird dweebs who I assume live in a house belonging to one of their moms.  I have to assume that because if this is their current apartment and they are worried about renter's insurance for a NEW apartment, I think I might just lose my will to live.

Anyway, one of the dweebs knows that Geico stands ready to ease their worry by "helping" with renter's insurance.  The other- who has aquired a therapy pony (remember what I said about losing my will to live?) "didn't know that Geico helps with Renter's Insurance."  What the Actual Hell is he talking about?  Does he mean that he didn't know that Geico SELLS Renter's Insurance?  Because selling policies is the extent to which Geico is willing to "help with Renter's Insurance."  You know, like that grocery store up the street is willing to help me with my lack of food issues, and Seven-Eleven is there to help me deal with my severe caffeine addiction.  So very helpful.

Every year, State Farm accepts and cashes a check from me to pay for renter's insurance.  I'm so ungrateful for the help, not only do I never thank State Farm, but my agent sends ME a birthday card every year.  I'm a disgustingly ungrateful human being.

I wonder- if one of these Napoleon Dynamite wannabees borrows money from Mommy to pay for Renter's Insurance, who does he thank for helping him?  Mommy or Geico?  Both "helped," right?

Meanwhile...therapy pony.  I just want to die.

You know, my daily 7-11 experience is NOTHING like this

What inspired this woman to drive like a dangerous maniac through her company's parking lot?  A cup of crappy gas station coffee and a premade sandwich picked up for lunch.

In short, there's not a whole lot going on in this woman's life.

Sidenote:  The next day this same woman drives a motorcycle to work and uses it to jump 22 cars before riding it right up the steps, using her coworker's desks as an obstacle course, and finally coming to a screeching halt in front of the boss's office, having found an extra hash brown at the bottom of her greasy McDonald's bag.

Sam Adams jumps into the Celebration of Addiction pool

So all the people in this ad are such sad alcoholics that they regularly drank beer despite the fact that they couldn't taste it?  What is it with beer ads these days that they are dropping all pretense at suggesting that their product is consumed because it tastes good and going straight for the "it's alcohol, you're life is crap and you need alcohol, so drink this crap constantly" message?

The ad starts with a public make-out session between two ugly people being interrupted by the sudden realization by one of them that she can taste her beer.  This astonishes her- she isn't used to being able to taste her beer.  She just drinks it because....she's thirsty?  No.  She just drinks it because if she doesn't the guy she's with isn't going to look good enough to kiss and besides, she's done spending evenings trying to pull those giant green spiders no one else can see off her face.

Oh, and check out the final few seconds of this commercial, where the scruffy loser wakes up his life partner- or the woman he found himself sleeping next to when he came out of his stupor- to let her know that he can actually taste his 2 AM buzz fix.  Better yet, check out that woman- she looks like she's not sure where she is, or who HE is.  Never mind "sad."  This is getting downright depressing.