Tuesday, October 29, 2019

GoMedicare Benefits HelpRipYouOffCenter Ad.....




...which has absolutely NOTHING to do with Medicare except that the extremely popular government program is being used to create a veneer of respectability on to yet another scumbag insurance company seeking to prey on the elderly and the ill-informed.

Let's imagine that I'm the owner of one of these fly-by-night barrel-scraping plagues on humanity; how would I go about using the criminally under-regulated airwaves and the Rendered-Toothless-By-Forty-Years-Of-Reaganesque-Laissez-Faire Legislation Federal Trade Commission to pry money out of the people who have highest level of anxiety and lowest level of information among the populace?  Well, first I'll use the word "Medicare," because no matter how little the average Senior Citizen Daytime TV viewer knows about federal assistance they are ALL aware of Medicare and practically all of them derive benefit from it.  As I wrote in the first paragraph, the mere mention of Medicare creates an instant bond of trust between the company that purchased the commercial and the viewer:

"Oh, he said Medicare.  I know Medicare works.  I know it's totally legitimate.  And I can't read those little words that say 'not affiliated with any government program, so I'm going to just listen to the nice man with the earnest voice tell me something about Medicare and I'm very much inclined to accept what he's saying because he started off by saying Medicare."

(It's very important that I call my company something like "GoMedicare," or "MedicareAdvanced," or something official-sounding like that- I'm using the word "Medicare" so it must be legit, the government would totally NEVER let anyone use the word "Medicare" unless was some kind of official program- except of course for that disclaimer that the viewer couldn't read and also remember that toothless FTC thing.)

(While I'm at it, I'm going to put something that looks very much like an official Medicare card on the screen, because that's also very familiar to the viewer and will make him think this is totally legitimate.)

Then I'll remind the elderly viewer that Medicare is limited in what it will pay for- something most people on Medicare already know.  Medicare is awesome but it includes co-pays for prescriptions and doctor appointments and hospital visits.  So now I'll suggest that if they use my program they'll get BETTER Medicare- motorized scooters and wheelchairs, private hospital rooms, etc.- and it will just cost them a few extra dollars a month, so worth it to bring those Medicare benefits up to a Level They Deserve, right?

I will not EVER use the word "insurance" in my ad unless it's connected to the word "Medicare."  "Medicare Insurance" sounds ok, but I think I'd rather just call it "GoMedicare Benefits," because "GoMedicare" sounds just like "Medicare" and absolves me of any responsibility if the viewer failed to get the difference (which I am hoping happens a lot.)  Plus, seniors understand they are entitled to "Benefits" already- telling people who are already getting benefits that they are entitled to MORE benefits is totally plausible.

In the end, I'm selling junk insurance to the elderly by piggy-backing onto the popularity of Medicare.   "Call now and see if you qualify?"  If you already qualify for Medicare Benefits, why would you not qualify for GoMedicare Benefits?  Because you aren't calling to see if you qualify for Medicare Benefits, but if you qualify for a policy with an insurance company called GoHealth which never- not even once- tells you it's name in any of it's ads.  Or that it's website home page is devoted to "helping" people qualify for "ObamaCare"  (old people get shafted by tv commercials, younger people get conned online thank you very much.)  And in the end, I'm just trying to scoop as much money you can't afford into my own pocket because I'm just a soulless creep who had his empathy surgically removed with his wisdom teeth.

Sunday, October 27, 2019

What the heck is going on in this Nissan Rogue Commercial??



So in this Nissan ad, we see that TrophyWife's job 24/7 is to protect her daughter from her mentally deficient Child-Husband and his determination to remain a giggling preteen when playing with their offspring.  TrophyWife has resigned herself to respond again and again with exasperated shrugs and occassional "WTF?" looks in response to Boy-Man's dangerously clueless attitude toward safety when it comes to his daughter.

(Though, seriously- I think TrophyWife might be a bit anal when it comes to her daughter's safety.  What exactly did she think would be the horrifying consequence if Daughter had crashed into the kitchen trash can?)

BTW, why doesn't TrophyWife just do the driving if her husband has proven again and again that he's a dangerously useless moron when it comes to...well, just about everything?  Is it because Women Don't Drive When Hubby Is Also In The Car Because Reasons?  Oh no wait, I know the real answer:  It's because Hubby can't screw up and give Mommy another reason to grimace, roll her eyes, or otherwise express her bemused disappointment at his inability to do ANYTHING right if Mommy is doing the driving.

One more thing:  Seriously, what is it with this guy?  From one angle, I see a guy who seems to be suffering from some weird mental problem which prevents him from doing anything but grinning and laughing, like he's a very small boy trapped in the body of an adult.  From another, I see a Father enjoying the time he's spending with his daughter who he recognizes as being made of actual flesh and bone and not crystal and therefore refuses to share his Insane Harpy Wife's constant fear that daughter will suffer injury if not kept perfectly still and wrapped in cellophane.   So What the Serious F--k, Nissan?

Saturday, October 26, 2019

USAA Bank: Unafraid to follow the New Predictable



Wait a minute, I'm confused!  Which is to say, I can't quite believe what I'm seeing here!

As near as I can tell (and again, I'm sure I must be mistaken,) this commercial features a young couple making a friendly bet on a game of mini-golf.  That part I actually have no problem believing.  I'm sure this happens.  But what happens next is totally bizarre- the GUY LOSES THE BET TO THE GIRL.

I mean, seriously, really?  A girl besting a guy in an American TV commercial in the year 2019?  If that's what really happened here, what's next?  Snow in January?  Fireworks in July?  I dare not guess!

Friday, October 25, 2019

More Questions for Aaron Rodgers and State Farm



1.  Who the hell has a "favorite State Farm Agent?"  Who has a "favorite" insurance agent at all?

2.  What kind of horrifying crapshow is the life of Aaron Rodgers if he "takes his favorite State Farm agent wherever he goes?"  Man, if you have to bring your insurance agent along with you everywhere, you probably should be locked up as a chronic danger to society.

3.  Rodgers is also constantly checking his policy on his State Farm App in these commercials- another huge red flag.  Good lord man, what the hell are you doing that requires you to constantly check on the status of your freaking insurance?

4.  When are Packers fans going to get sick of every season featuring endless Aaron Rodgers Insurance Ads but no Aaron Rodgers in the Superbowl?  Seriously, guys- priorities.  Is Rodgers insured against consistent failure in the playoffs?  I'm sure he doesn't know offhand.  Time to check that App for the 300th time today!

5.  There's a "Subscribe" button for State Farm Insurance Commercials.  Who the hell would subscribe to be notified whenever another one of these steaming piles of dumb is released on youtube?  As if being beaten over the head with them all weekend during every football game isn't enough?

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Another Awful Indeed Ad



Hmmm...just a thought:  Maybe if this kid with stupid greasy hair wasn't just sitting or laying around his parents' house with a stupid blank zombie look on his face, his parents wouldn't have jumped to the perfectly reasonable conclusion that he was being an unmotivated sponge.  Maybe they wouldn't have been so frustrated if he had been oh, I don't know, doing his own laundry or vacuuming or just TALKING TO THE PARENTS WHO WERE PROVIDING HIM WITH A PLACE TO STAY, MEALS, AND LAUNDRY SERVICE instead of acting as if moving back into your bedroom meant that you also got to revert to being a helpless child who needed caring for again.

Based on the way this commercial ends, I guess the parents are supposed to feel super-guilty for ever doubting that their stupid little spawn was actively looking for work by staring at his phone.  Like they owe him an apology for being irritated that their adult son was being totally uncommunicative about his job-hunting strategy.  Like they should have just ASSUMED that he was working really, really hard to land that position that would allow him to go back to being a functioning adult. 

But when you really think about it, um, No.  This creep is being an ungrateful little ass toward his parents.  He spends the entire commercial behaving like a guy who thinks his parents should be able to read his f--ng mind and somehow just KNOW he's working really hard to get the hell out of there (and ignore the silence, that stupid blank look frozen to his face, and that awful greasy hair.)  Also, he doesn't get a job at the end- just invites to attend interviews.  I know from experience that interviews don't pay the bills.  Hold off on that apology, parents.  And for chrissakes, stop doing this jagoff's laundry for him. 

Monday, October 21, 2019

AT&T joins in the never-ending Celebrity Spokeschoad Parade



Every once in a while, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have been born at a certain time in the past century, watch very little television, listen to very little contemporary music, and am therefore more or less immune to these "wow, look at this Currently Popular Celebrity Doing Very Mundane Things Right Out Here In the Open" commercials.

Whoever Gordon Ramsay is, I wouldn't bat an eye if he handed me a free food sample at the Giant up the road from my house, just like I wouldn't bat an eye if Taylor Swift handed me my coffee at Starbucks because seriously, who the f--k are either of these people?  Well, of course, they are Celebrities who are supposed to Know Stuff by virtue of being Famous for doing things that have nothing to do with what they are currently trying to sell me on the TV.

And while we're at it, I'd love to tell Samuel L Jackson where he can stick that Capital One Card.  If he ever shows up around my Credit Union, I'll be sure to do it- assuming I recognize him.

Sunday, October 20, 2019

Tide + NFL = Another Celebration of Dumb



Remember back in February when this was just a cute re-occurring concept for a series of Superbowl ads, and not something that you were being battered with every few minutes, hour after hour, for committing the crime of wanting to watch football?

Anyone remember the last time an ad agency came up with a clever concept and just viewers kind of enjoy it as a nice, inventive little surprise instead of responding with a knee-jerk "oh, you liked that? Well here it is again, 400 times over, until you want to blow your brains out whenever you see it pop up on your screen" series of Here We Go Again commercials?  I seriously can't.  In my lifetime, clever concepts on tv get beaten to death, then the bones get beaten, then the dust gets beaten, and then the dust gets buried for a year or two....and then the horse is resurrected to get beaten all over again for Nostalgia's Sake. 

Given the history, I suspect we'll be seeing this "What Night is Laundry Night" bit go on for quite some time.  Peyton Manning will keep showing up to bleat nonsense about Official NFL Declarations concerning when I'm supposed to do my laundry (think Peyton Manning has ever done laundry in his entire life?  Think he knows where the washing machine is in any of his houses? Me neither) and the drooling YouTube monkeys will gulp it down and claim to want more when they aren't begging to know where they can download the background music.  Other NFL "legends" will join in, until this Tide Ad campaign has had more official spokeschoads than KFC has had fake Colonels.  Eventually it will dissolve into a wall of white noise for even the OMG I LOVE THIS AD glue-sniffers and disappear from the airwaves, though I imagine that'll be 2024 at the earliest.  Then it will rise from the dead like Paul from Sprint to remind us the Good Old Days when we thought we liked this noxious, steaming little cowpie of an ad campaign.

Oh, and Peyton?  You showed up in every other commercial while you were still an active player.  Nobody misses you, because nobody's been given a chance to miss you.  I'd like that chance, please.