Fidelity "One Day" you'll make a really, really stupid decision for really, really stupid reasons

 

The woman in this ad is feeling immense guilt every morning because she has to leave a loved one behind as she goes off to work to make a living.  Because it's 2021, the loved one she's leaving behind is a dog (if this ad was set in the 1980s, she'd be shown dropping a kid off at daycare with a sad "sorry" because she'd be burying us with Working Mommy Guilt.  We don't do that anymore.  We leave that to the MLM huns on Facebook who want us to sell doTerra, Young Living, LuLaRoe or any of the other 2000 pyramid scheme work-from-home-and-stop-abandoning-your-child-to-strangers BS crap out there.)

This woman is miserable because she has a crappy job which appears to us to be crappy only because she's lousy at it and because she doesn't like her coworkers (or, just one coworker who manages to do his job while having fun, the scum) and is thinking about her stupid dog all day instead of doing that job.  Plus, her stupid job has a stupid coffee machine which messes up her clothes, and it also makes her get up early every morning the poor baby.  Did I mention that it also requires her to leave her Suburban Mansion and her precious freaking dog behind?

So she decides that it's time to quit and start own business.  In the 1980s, she'd be running a daycare center out of her home.  Because it's 2021, she's going to be converting her house into a pet grooming center, and f--k you neighbors who thought there were zoning laws, get ready to see a lot of traffic and a lot fewer parking spaces on your street because the lazy idiot woman who obsesses over her dog got sick of actually working and decided she could replace the $75,000 per year career which allowed her to finance that house with an in-home pet-grooming "business" which, if she's really, really fortunate, might bring in one-third that amount.  Sure she'll be in constant danger of not making her mortgage, but hey at least she gets to sleep in and be with her dog. 

So this woman makes the great decision to trade in what was obviously a good-paying job for a stay-at-home business because....she wants more time with her dog, and she couldn't bring herself to use noise-cancelling headphones so she wouldn't be distracted by that one jerk at work.  Oh, and because she couldn't bring a thermos of coffee to the office with her or go out for Starbucks like every one of her Awful Coworkers did.  Good news and bad news, Stupid Woman:  the good news is that yes, you get to spend more time with that dog for however many years it has left (hint: you're going to bury it, not the other way around, and you'll still have that small business loan and mortgage to pay after the main reason you made this stupid financial decision is gone.)  Bad news:  if you are successful, all the traffic and parking and barking will make you the absolute pariah of the neighborhood, and if you aren't successful, well, as long as you are home, I have a great Opportunity Available This Week Only DM Me For More Information You Would Totally Kill At This Biz Hon!

Bionic Spotlights Presents: The Overselling of Solar Power!

 

I just adore these Only Available on TV Junk ads.....

This one is for the Bionic Spotlight Solar Light thingee, which magically breaks all the laws of physics by absorbing enough solar power over the course of the day to provide a brilliant spotlight for thirty minutes when activated at night.  Anyone who has ever put out solar-powered lights knows that these things have the illuminating effect of a dim nightlight when they are at their peak effectiveness.  They aren't going to replace actual security lights which (sorry, lady in the opening scene) do cost money to install and do use actual electricity that you have to pay for.

Knowing this, I'm left to just chuckle at the idea that the sudden activation of a dim nightlight is going to frighten away raccoons, kids wearing hoodies, and other dangerous pests you want to keep away from your precious suburban McMansion (what is the deal with that kid wearing the white hoodie and shorts and carrying a backpack?  Is he supposed to look like a threat?  He looks like he's trying to find the right address, which makes his startled dashing away from a nightlight all that more hysterical.  And check out the guy using the Magic Solar Light to illuminate his barbecue- yeah, that's going to work.  

Come on, people.  Solar lights with five inches of paneling are not bad for marking walkways or outside steps.  They aren't going to replace actual security lights because they simply can't absorb and store all that much solar power over the course of the sunniest day.  Because, as I pointed out earlier, PHYSICS.  Want a security light?  Get ready to spend some money.  Or skip the security light and buy a gun to deal with raccoons, mice, and hoodie-wearing kids who dare to broach the boundaries of your precious estate,  you weird knobs. 

Get with the program or get left behind, kid!

 

The dad in this commercial might be thinking "I should make sure my kids are keeping up," but he's way too busy checking the status of his stock portfolio on his phone for the 800th time today.  And TrophyWife isn't any more concerned that they might be walking a bit too fast for the kids she produced- she needs to stay close to her Meal Ticket and make sure his eye isn't wandering away from that phone.

The kids?  Well, the sooner they learn the harsh reality of this dog-eat-dog life, the better.  It's kill or be killed, people.  Everybody has to pull their own weight- especially that little boy.  The odds that HE can grow up to be a TrophyWife are considerably longer than those of his sisters, after all.  

CopperFit Gloves. Because we touch stuff, and they are gloves.

 

"Puts a layer between your skin and surfaces..."  Um, yeah.  Because they are gloves.  Oh, excuse me:  "Hand Protectors."  

But these aren't just any old (gloves) that do what gloves do (put a layer between your skin and surfaces.) THESE gloves contain COPPER, which we all know (the way we know everything: from TV) has magical properties that fix arthritis pain.  And since the connection between arthritis pain and easily-transmittable surface-contact illnesses is also well-documented (somewhere, don't have time to look it up right now) the utility of these CopperFit Gloves is pretty obvious, don't you think?

What?  This is just another stupid Buy It Because You're a Medieval-Minded Idiot who thinks Copper is Magic tv ad?  Heresy!  Just buy it!  In fact, do what one guy in the YouTube comments did- buy TWO pairs, "just to be safe."  Safe from what?  Shut up, that's why!  Like I said, just BUY IT!

I do not, however, suggest that you follow the throwaway advice from another YouTube commentator and warm them in your microwave- unless you want to test if these things really do contain actual copper.  Because if they do contain Magic, Illness-Eradicating Copper- or any other metal- I don't think your microwave is going to react very well to them.  I wonder if the idiot who posted that is just being a malicious troll?

These ridiculous Dinovite Commercials.

 

Know how I avoid all this hassle?  By not having one of these things in my house to begin with...

Meanwhile, listening to all the disgusting, noisy, smelly crap dog owners have to put up with unless they are willing to shell out tons of money on "special" food like Dinovite and grooming products- and then listening to the excitement in their voice as they describe how living with a still-disgusting, still-noisy but slightly less smelly dog is a tiny bit more bearable now that they've shelled out that money does nothing but cement my determination never to burden myself with a dog, a cat, or any other mammal that won't eventually learn how to buy it's own food and take care of itself.  Even then- cripes, they'd still be taking up room I could be using. 

Back to that excitement that goes along with spelling out DINOVITE- good lord, what is the matter with you people.  I will never understand.   To each his own...but since I like to provide an actual public service from time to time, here is some information about Dinovite you won't find in their obnoxious commercials:

https://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/specific_search/Dinovite

Quilp.com- another ridiculous Auto-Refill Offer you'd be far better off Refusing

 

Someday, someone will have to explain to me how auto-refill for things easily obtained at any local drug or grocery store became so popular.  Are people really so busy that keeping up with the purchase of toothbrushes, toothpaste, razor blades etc. is a major hassle?  Or do ads like this just con people into believing that something they THOUGHT was easy actually IS a major hassle that they've always suffered in silence but now don't have to Because Check Out This Super-Convenient (and absolutely, once you read between the lines, Super Expensive) auto-ship option??

I have coffee, cat food (small bags, not those obnoxious, delivery-man-back-breaking 50lb-ers from Chewy) and cat treats sent to my mother in rural Vermont every month because there are times when it's hard for her to get out, especially this time of year (it's snowing like crazy as I type this.)  I don't have anything auto-shipped to me, because I walk past grocery stores pretty much every single day.  I seriously never realized that I was draining my life away buying razors, blades, toothbrushes, toothpaste etc. but according to this Quilp.com ad the chance to get floss auto-shipped on a regular basis would be a real lifesaver.  Three things are far more likely for anyone who signs up with Quilp, Harry's razors, or any other Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We'll Take Care of the Rest auto-ship companies:

1.  You find yourself stockpiling the junk as soon as it arrives, because you haven't even started using the stuff that came LAST time yet, and/or

2.  You find yourself eventually noticing that "convenience" nowhere near makes up for the ridiculous shipping charges, and/or

3.  You spend more time negotiating the Cancel Auto-Ship labyrinth than you ever did just walking into your local CVS and picking up what you needed on your way home from work.   

The first step to avoiding this nonsense is getting over the idea that you are so busy and your life is sooo full with work and other responsibilities that there's no way you'll ever manage to get yourself to a drug store like the Less Important People with leisure time do.  Maybe take a moment of reflection in between episodes of whatever your currently binge-watching on Netflix to notice you aren't QUITE as overwhelmed with Other Things as you thought you were and maybe it really IS possible for you to get your sorry, lazy self to the freaking store and buy toothpaste once a month or so??

Geico has fun with Racist Tropes. Whoomp, there it is again.

 

Somebody much smarter than I am will have to explain to me how this kind of Jim Crow/Stepin Fetchit Minstrel show caricature is at all helpful to anyone, including anyone interested in purchasing insurance. 

I mean, I can easily imagine rednecks thoroughly enjoying commercials like this, nodding appreciatively at the "accurate" depiction of black people as grinning, dancing idiots who jump at every opportunity to perform for the overwhelmingly white audience.  So I guess I kind of answered my own question- it's helpful in reinforcing stereotypes?  

I guess it's also helpful to Tag Team, which picks up what I'm sure is a welcome paycheck and a reminder that they existed on the radio (and everywhere else) with that One Song Using the term Song Very Very Loosely back in 1993.  Hey, thirty years is a long time to go without a number anyone cares to listen to, let alone one that inexplicably became a hit because headaches were really popular in the first year of the Clinton Administration. 

But if I'm a black person in the United States, I find this all to be very, very UNhelpful in multiple ways. Do I have to keep explaining why?