The smiling liars at American Residential Warranty are at it again

 

Pretty much the last time this commercial is honest is just a few seconds in, when we the invisible audience are asked if we know that appliances can cost a lot of money to fix or replace.  Um, yes.  We know this.  Thanks for playing.

And then....the lying by omission/sleight of hand begins.

Know what American Residential Warranty (be free to confuse it with American Home Shield, because it's basically the same scummy, scammy company) offers?  Well, ARW "can" "help" with repairs to those appliances that are always breaking down and forcing you to reach for your checkbook (because in the weird world of Home Warranty Commercials, even customers who are clearly under the age of 50 still use CHECKS to pay repair bills.) 

The service plans start at "less than a dollar a day."  And considering that the BEST plans offered by these sleazebags cover next to nothing, that rock-bottom price service plan is the very best deal they've got going.  If I'm going to get a big fat "no, sorry" every time I call ARW to file a claim, I'm going to want to pay as little as possible, thanks very much.

"You pay a small service fee..." I'm so sorry, this is another little shred of honesty I originally overlooked.  Because this is how warranties work, I guess:  you pay for the warranty, and then you pay again to use it.  Whether you end up getting the appliance in question covered or not.  See, that way, ARW makes money when you pay your premium AND when an appliance breaks.  It's clear how much this benefits....um, someone.  Someone who is not you.

"I woke up on a Saturday morning and there was no hot water in the shower..." good thing, considering you were walking into that shower wearing a towel.  I mean, that's just weird, lady.  

"All covered repairs will be taken care of."  This is the sleight of hand I referred to earlier.  If you give me thirty dollars a month, I'll take care of all covered repairs too.  

"Call now, there's no obligation."  Um, no kidding.  Who the hell has to be told that just calling for information doesn't obligate one to purchase anything?  Oh, right- old people.  Old people who feel guilty because they "took so much time" from the "nice person on the phone."  Old people who go through every day afraid that they are one mechanical failure away from a big bill they can't afford.  

Ugh, I hate these people so much.  Extended warranties NEVER pay.  Home Appliance Warranties are even worse.  At the very most, if you really don't mind paying too much for peace of mind, go ahead and get several separate warranties from the people who sold you your washer and dryer, dishwasher, furnace, A/C, etc.  Do NOT blow your money with one of these "one size covers nothing" deals.   Send me your money instead.  I'll take care of all covered repairs.  Thirty bucks a month. 

Is Rybelsus the Mark of the Beast??

 

Hopefully we all know by now that the reason for the pretty graphics and smiling people and jump cuts and above all LOUD MUSIC in pharmaceutical ads is to hide the required-by-law list of disclaimers (possible side effects) that accompany them.  But it turns out that it's even worse than I thought:  One YouTuber has discovered that if you play this ad backwards, you'll hear a subliminal message....

Don't worry, parents.  It has nothing to do with Satan.  Technically.

(By the way, the Rybelsus commercial includes my absolute favorite line in the history of television ads. Near the end, in small print, you can clearly see the words "drinking plenty of fluids may reduce your chances of dehydration."  MIND BLOWN!)

Uber Eats, Leslie Jones, and another big step backwards

 

Remember back in 2016 when Leslie Jones got all that nasty online flack for her performance in the Ghostbusters reboot trailer?

Well, here she is, five years later, doubling down on the head-wagging minstrel show which I'm sure is absolutely HI-larious if you are a racist "oh that's so like them" white jackass or a black fan of Tyler Perry's films (seriously, what is wrong with you?) but otherwise- this is not helpful.  This is not helpful AT ALL.  

Zyrtec, Sneezing, and the Comment Section that hurts my soul

 

It's not even so much the commercial that's brain-dead stupid.  The guy has allergies.  He's sneezing.  WE GET IT.

It's the YouTube Comments that broke my spirit with this one.  Just look at them.  These people are kidding, right?  This is all a put-on, right?  I don't live in a country where people not only find this funny, but find it SO funny that their ribs ache, they lose control of their bladders, and they watch it over and over again at half-speed because OMIGOD ITS SO SO FUNNY LOL?

I can't accept that.  I have to get myself up and face the day every morning.  I can't do that if these comments are real.  

More March Madness-themed crap, this time sponsored by AFLAC

 

So these two loud asshats have nothing better to do with their halftime show than to smash their way into the home of a woman who is already in physical and emotional pain in order to literally pile on by mocking both?

Anyone who has ever had an AFLAC representative appear at a Human Resources meeting knows why the vast majority of people don't purchase AFLAC or anybody else's supplemental insurance:  because it costs an arm and a leg (no pun intended; unlike AFLAC, I don't think serious injury is anything to laugh at.)  The woman the two noxious jackanapes are yelling past most likely didn't buy AFLAC because she didn't think she'd ever need it; it's vastly more likely she didn't buy it because she can't afford it. 

So AFLAC is the kind of company owned and operated by people who think that most Americans are just greedy, short-sighted idiots who won't do the very simple thing and throw hundreds of dollars a month that they don't have at an insurance company so they can get bills taken care of if they suffer an injury.  Not that most Americans have a hard enough time paying for the insurance provided in part by their employer.

And AFLAC is also the kind of company which will go out and hire someone to make a commercial in which two grinning, screeching idiots will destroy part of an injured woman's home and then laughingly sneer at the injured woman who Should Have Known Better than to reject the opportunity to pay for extra insurance she couldn't afford.

Seriously, take that duck, take these wastes of perfectly good skin and oxygen, and jump off the nearest high cliff, please.  Stop adding to OUR pain. 

Because I like March Madness, I have to deal with crap like this from Capital One

 

Here's a quick quiz:  What do Spike Lee, Samuel L Jackson and Charles Barkley have in common?

A.  They are all multi-millionaires.

B.  None of them give a flying damn about Rewards Points.

C.  No matter how much money they have, none of them are adverse to making total fools out of themselves on tv in order to get a little more.

D.  None of them has an NBA Championship Ring.

E.  All of the Above

Amazon Alexa Pompeii Commercial: Because People Are the Dumb

 

1.  This ugly twerp, finding himself unable to answer a question from his daughter,* attempts to hide his ignorance- and avoid saying "I don't know"- by consulting the brains of the family.  Since it's a history question, its kind of like being transported back in time....

2.  I have zero problem imagining that if this stupid shlub found himself in the city of Pompeii in the middle of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, he'd be self-centered enough to try to stop random scared-out-of-their-wits locals to ask them to provide an answer to his daughter's question.  

3.  I also have zero problem with the "citizens of Pompeii can speak English" bit, because that's just par for the course in tv commercials.  Everyone speaks 21st century English, all the time.  Just like the citizens of Italy today (no kidding- everyone there DOES speak English.  But they sure as hell didn't in 79 A.D.**  Probably because the language didn't exist yet.)

4.  This guy is a moron.  Everyone with even a passing acquaintance with history knows that Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying Pompeii and Herculaneum.  But not this idiot.  Which is why he's dependent on a talking Google box to at least try to look semi-educated.  

*we don't get a good look at this guy's wife, but considering that the daughter doesn't look like an ugly WASPy little mutant, I'm assuming she's a hot little trophy.  Another example of what money can do- this little twerp can get himself a beautiful wife and a big house despite having no brains because money is the ultimate equalizer.

**so the residents of Pompeii thought it was the year "79 A.D." while their town was being destroyed, did they?  Wow, the Dionysian System sure caught on fast, didn't it?  In Pompeii, it even predated Dionysus by 500 years!