I watched this with the sound off, so I'm just wondering: was the word "coffee" uttered at any point during its runtime? Because I'm pretty sure I remember Dunkin Donuts making and selling coffee. And I don't see any coffee here. What I do see is a lot of cream and sugar dressed up like a holiday treat, but if you are in the market for something like this it will probably just replace that fatty junk the nice girl in the Drive-thru window hands you when you say "the usual" the other 11 months of the year.
Enjoy turning into a pumpkin. I'll keep taking mine black, thanks anyway. And now I'm sure I do remember Dunkin Donuts selling coffee. GOOD coffee. And if you wanted some sugar with it, you could get yourself a piece of round fried cake with a hole in it. Or a bag of fried holes. It didn't come in the cup along with the coffee. Did I miss something?
1. What is the point of the other presents? Where they purchased by the other guests? Well, those other guests are going to feel really special now that their gifts are probably going to go unopened by this spoiled little brat, as her mother obnoxiously gives her a pony right off the bat. If I were one of these kids, I'd quietly take my gift back. It's not going to be noticed anyway after this ostentatious display.
2. So this pony was actually wrapped in paper? Who did this to the poor thing? Who thought this was funny, or necessary, or even practical? It's just really, really dumb.
3. I just hate this woman, and hate this kid, and feel sorry for the other kids here because they took the time to find gifts for this little girl that might as well be dirt under her shoe at this point. Again- just take your gifts back, kids. Donate them to a toy bank at a shelter somewhere. Some poor kids who will appreciate them will get them. You know, kids without an insane mom who thinks it's a good idea to wrap a f--king pony. Cripes.
You know what I'm talking about- that Dead Zone between Christmas/New Year's and Easter where there's no legitimate reason to buy shiny pieces of rock or candy so Capitalism hits us over the head with the Second-Biggest Guilt Trip Holiday (the biggest being Mother's Day) of the year, Valentine's Day. Smack dab in the middle of the dreariest, coldest month, it's just wedged in there to remind us that if we are part of a couple, it's time to start spending, and if we aren't part of a couple, there's Something Wrong With Us Losers.
In the first scene of this chapter of It Never Ever Ends Does It? we are reminded that if you want her to say Yes, be sure to give her something that glitters and do it while standing next to a cliff. Wait a few dates so you have a good idea of how much she costs, because that Token that Says She's Taken is a big enough waste of money without going overboard. And if there's no cliff around, do the buying asking in front of an audience in some loud, ostentatious way that pretty much guarantees the "right" answer.
Then go out and buy some chocolate, too. Gotta keep the economy afloat until April.
1. Does this woman's boyfriend have any tact at all? First of all, she's well aware that she drives a hybrid- it's her car, after all. Second, it's not his job to judge a gift given to her by her parents. What is the matter with you, you idiot?
2. Why is he so obsessed with her needing gas? Who acts like this? She's the driver of her own car. She can keep track of when she needs gas.
3. Who re-gifts to the same person who originally gave the gift? Like the dad isn't going to notice it's the exact same gift card? And Stupid Boyfriend is at it again, ready to say "hey, isn't that the same card he gave you?" before she shuts him up.
4. She drives a Hybrid. Which means- her car uses gas. So she buys gas. Why doesn't she want that gas card?
For those of you who aren't aware- lucky you- "Escape Room" is a (likely endless) series of films that function, in the words of one of my favorite reviewers, as "Saw for Babies." In other words, Violence Porn for the PG-13 set. Because you're never to young to start reveling in the agony of complete strangers for the benefit of the viewing audience, I guess.
Here's why I find films like this especially insulting, and why I would never actually pay money to see any film of this depressingly popular genre (besides the fact that I find no entertainment in watching terrified people struggling to survive for five minutes, let alone ninety:) they break what used to be a pretty standard and completely fair contract between movie studios and movie-goers. The idea is that a film is supposed to tell a complete story: It would have a beginning, in which characters are introduced, a storyline that included rising tension, and a satisfying resolution. Way too many films these days- especially films like Saw, Escape Room, and any number of slasher films- break this contract with the innocent moviegoer who put down his money to watch such a story. In short, they don't actually end with anything more than a "it's not over, bring your money back next year to see the next chapter" slap in the face.
This is ok if the film is based on a book series, and the people watching are well aware that they are watching one chapter in a series. That's the contract they signed up for when they put down the money. But unless a film is advertised in advance as a "Chapter" of a book that will eventually come to a satisfying conclusion, ending on a "stay tuned" note feels like a mugging.
And why am I picking on Escape Room? Because a "sequel" was released recently, and like the first film ends on a cliffhanger. And here's where my blood really gets up- if you go to the Wikipedia page for the second film, the director reveals that there will be a third film "IF the box office allows for it." In other words, there's no storyline being followed. There's no conclusion being built toward. If the fans of the first two films want to stay invested in this series to find out "what happens," (you know, like the fans of the Halloween film series have been waiting 44 years to find out,) well, they better hope that the second film made enough money to finance a third. But they'd better realize that they are already doomed to repeat the past- if a third Escape Room film is released, and they think it's going to wrap up the series, they have no business being upset when it also ends on a cliffhanger. The series will never end- it will will just die out when one of the films is not profitable enough to justify another chapter. If you are a fan of Escape Room, you might as well just admit that you are in a trap of your own making and there is no escape for you, because Hollywood long ago figured out that telling a good story with a satisfying conclusion isn't as profitable as telling a series of stories (or, more accurately, the same story over and over again) with no wrap-up before the end credits.
My solution to the problem is beautiful in it's simplicity: If you go to see Escape Room: Tournament of Champions, leave the theater ten minutes before the ending. There. You've seen the wrap-up and you can now get on with your lives. Don't wait for the blatantly obvious to Everyone On The Planet Who Has Ever Been To One Of These Films "Twist." Just leave, and get on with your lives, and assume that Escape Room 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are just remakes of the first movie (which, in fact, they are anyway.)
This obese doofus has a Suburban McMansion in the fabulous housing development on the very best street in Whitebreadborough USA, where he lives with his cookie cutter wife and cookie cutter 2.1 children when he isn't at his Standard Office Job selling Standard Office crap to Standard Fellow White Nobodies for 40 years or so until he retires to Tampa or Phoenix. In the meantime, he's going to take pride in having a f--king tailgate that expands to provide more room to do stuff on because he's actually been dead for years and has absolutely nothing of interest going on in his life and there's only so many times a week he can hop on his $4000 riding mower and spend 45 seconds mowing his postage stamp-sized lawn.
No hate, buddy, but seriously: if you find yourself "flexing" with something like this, it's time to call it a day. Go back inside to your Man Cave and watch tv on your 70-inch screen and if you're very, very lucky a nice little heart attack will come out of nowhere to rescue you from your non-life. You're welcome.
"Influencers" and "Bloggers" are outraged. So are pathetic trailer trash addicted to low prices on junk which have conned them into believing that they are financially stable. Trash which thinks it has some kind of god-given right to rock-bottom-priced garbage Because Reasons ("America," most likely.)
The rest of us are just getting on with our lives because other than having to drive past them, we have nothing to do with this dirty, smelly stores, their down-on-their-luck employees, and the sad, depressingly fertile trolls wandering their aisles looking for lead-infused toys and lemon snack pies.
