Small Business Saturday: please, tell me why I was supposed to care. Because I just don't get it.

 

I have yet to hear a coherent argument as to why I should give a tinker's damn about any small business.  In my experience (which is to say, from a careful viewing of thousands of ads like this and a careful listen given to thousands more on the radio) I am now convinced that 99.9 percent of these small businesses are vanity projects launched by people motivated by nothing more than a determination not to admit ever that they are just like the rest of us and need to get a job and stop pretending that they are the next Steve Jobs with their Karen's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee or Betty's Bedding or Jack and Diane's Toyz for your Totz or WHATEVER.   I swear, if I hear another "I started my business roasting coffee in my garage" or "I decided to take my passion for creating Walmart-level jewelry to the next level" story I'm going to just lose it. 

But hey, if you want to throw your ego energy into a small business, please, go for it.  Just don't bitch at me that you "can't" provide a decent wage, or health care, to your "employees who are just like family," because it's not all about sticking your name on a sign and waiting for the money to roll in.  And it's not a reason why I should support you.  Neither is "because I'm small and local," because so are tics and cholera, and I don't support them, either.

Mom and Crown Royal? What, flowers aren't a thing anymore?

 

So this is a guy who "has it all," including a mom who taught him to appreciate all the finer things in life.  Especially drinking Crown Royal Whiskey in the middle of the afternoon.  Lovely.

Seriously, what else am I supposed to get out of this ad?  The guy buys a bottle of whiskey.  He's got a big smile on his face as he greets the world, walking through town toward his mother's very substantial urban apartment where he finds her home in the middle of the day.  He salutes her with a glass of whiskey- "to the best mom in the world."  Because the best mom in the world definitely appreciates a bottle of whiskey from her son, especially if they can open it right then and there and start imbibing. 

What am I missing here?  Every Crown Royal Whiskey commercial is this level of Depressing- we see people sitting around drinking this stuff and it's supposed to be heartwarming or comforting or something.  What exactly is comforting about hard liquor being consumed IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING DAY?  What do these people do AFTER they've had their glass of whiskey?  Take a heartwarming nap at the table, or on the sofa (if they can get to it,) or on the floor (if they can't?)  Does the young man in this ad really have "fond" memories of Mom and her Crown Royal Whiskey at the kitchen table and how sometimes she couldn't get up without help or slept all the next day because she "didn't feel well?"  All the times the young man had bread and peanut butter for dinner because mom was having One of Those Days?  Or maybe it was the Crown Royal that got mom through the Tough Times and mellowed her out, which is why the young man feels so happy about bringing her Another Bottle to Lighten her Load?

Whatever it is, I fondly remember when we just didn't have ads like this on tv because there were laws against promoting hard liquor that made sense.  Then the Free Speech Advocates decided that they were losing too much money not reaching enough potential addicts and got their lobbyists to work to demand their sacred right to peddle poison during football games and at all other times.  I don't think we live in a better place as a result. 

One question about this Voltaren ad which has nothing to do with Voltaren

I just gotta ask- does the same "singer" do all of these commercials?  Because everywhere I turn, there's someone crooning along with a weak, almost-cracking voice to a terrible background song which I guess is supposed to be touching or sweet or something.  It's like living in a hellscape dystopia where Billie Eilish is the only surviving vocalist on the planet. 

Never mind Voltaren- it's a good product, I was using it when it was only available by prescription and I still use it now that it can be purchased off the shelf.  But this kind of "music" has got to go because seriously, if I want my ears to bleed I'll knock them up against the wall.  This is garbage.

One mean comment about this stupid Uber ad

 

Simply put, Uber Eats is the Online Gambling App of people addicted to processed food.  

You know, maybe having food delivered directly to your door, allowing you to skip the shopping and the prep and all that annoying moving around isn't the very best for you in the long run?  I mean, maybe go on Amazon and order a scale and a Fitbit and get your life under control before you're another statistic in America's losing war on obesity?  Just a thought. 

That depressing Best Buy "playground" commercial

 

1.  This kid is growing up believing that "going to the playground" means visiting Best Buy and playing video games.  It's nice that she's doing this with her dad (considering his girth, she should spend as much time with him as possible right now) but come on- playgrounds include swings and monkey bars and above all fresh air, none of which can be provided by Best Buy- except virtually, of course.

2.  This kid's social life must be really something.  She's never seen interacting with kids her own age because again, the "playground" is Best Buy.  This is sad.  I'm done now.  So glad I was born in the last century and not this one. 

The graveyards are filled with the "Brave"

 

Fortune might "favor the brave," but you know what favors your fortune?  Investing it in actual, physical assets and not imaginary (excuse me, "non-fungible") not-even-garbage-because-garbage-has-actual-potential-value "crypto currency."

Oh, but I'm sure Matt Damon is doing just fine.  He almost certainly got paid in that So Yesterday US Currency only scared little mice like me still use.  Neither of us is "brave" enough to get on board with crypto, right?

Larry David, FTX, and hating to say "I told you so."

 

It's been eight months since I snarked on this commercial* and the idea that if you are a crypto skeptic, well, you're just one of those losers who throughout history have slowed the wheels of progress, failed to jump on the bandwagon when they saw it leaving the station, and any other cliche' for not recognizing a great deal when it was right in front of you.  All being sold to us by comedians, quarterbacks, actors and other people who have proven time and time again that they'll put their face on any product that will hand them money in return.

Well, what do you know- the value of a single FTX token, $47 at the time this ad was warning people who were just trying to watch the Superbowl that their chance to get rich quick was fading fast, was at $2.06 at the close of business Friday.  I'm sure that Larry David, Matt Damon, Tom Brady etc. barely noticed, even if they were dumb enough to take their blood money in this particular crypto currency, because money is falling out of their ears and taking the gig was probably at least as much about keeping their faces in front of the viewers as it was about the salary.  But what about the Regular Guys out there who bought in last February, perhaps by liquidating part of their sluggish-but-stable 401(ks) or shifting investments away from those boring blue chip stocks in the hope of cashing in on this bright, shiny object which, after all, was legitimate enough to be advertised during the most expensive night for advertising on the calendar?  I mean, a fool and his money- I get it- but this isn't funny anymore, is it?

(Oh, but check the comments- I don't see a single person angry at Larry David for pitching this scam.  Instead, we see a lot of "Larry David was right!" posts from people who are either so dumb that they think Mr. David was warning us against crypto or are just engaged in schadenfreude.)

Meanwhile, I guess I was "like Larry" in one respect:  I said "no thanks" to the "opportunity" to be part of "history" and buy FTX crypto.  In another life, I imagine I skipped out on the chance to get a discounted berth on the Titanic, too.  Just a stick in the mud, I guess. 

*Here's the original post, from April: http://www.thecommercialcurmudgeon.com/2022/04/i-guess-chapter-where-larry-david.html