Verizon's latest stupid ad manages to humiliate two people- one dead, one alive- at the same time.

 

Congratulations, Verizon.  You managed to turn one of the greatest minds of the 20th (and any other) century) into a Wacky Clueless German Scientist ("Kaput?"  Really?) AND an Oscar-nominated actor into a straight man for some ridiculous "actress" I guess I'm supposed to know but haven't a clue.  I know for sure she isn't Paul Giamatti. 

Can someone explain to me what kind of person is convinced to buy ANYTHING through caricatures of famous, respected figures from history?  Am I the only person on the planet who is sick to death of seeing groundbreaking geniuses in the fields of politics (Lincoln, Jefferson, Franklin etc.) and mathematics (Einstein) being used to sell everything from cars to beer by tasteless, shameless corporations?

And by the way- did every big star from Jamie Foxx to Paul Giamatti secretly lose all their money in the crypto crash, or what?  Why are they stooping so low they'd beat a caterpillar in a limbo contest every time I turn on my TV?

Pizza Hut's latest Artery-Melting offering to a society too eager to die

 

Hey look, it turns out that people who are paid to promote Pizza Hut's latest Diabetes Delivery System are willing to eat it in public, go figure. 

I think someone could do a clever version of this ad in which the pretty, slim girl who has inexplicably got herself addicted to highly-processed empty carbs and sugar (which doesn't even taste good) keeps bumping into future versions of herself which are morbidly obese, reliant on scooters, maybe carrying around their own canned oxygen, and are on a pharmacy's worth of drugs in order to control their cholesterol and blood sugar among all of the other problems that started to gather when she first decided to commit suicide in slow motion.  

And as for that clown in the taxi (or maybe I'm being a Boomer here, and it's an Uber)- dude, just stop.  We get it.  All you eat is Pizza Hut products which, because we don't really have Truth in Advertising laws anymore, can be sold as "food" over the airwaves (come to think of it, I don't think the word "food" is ever mentioned in any fast "food" commercial.  Am I wrong about those Truth in Advertising laws?)  You've long since stopped listening to your body which has been begging for mercy for years now.  You live in a country where more than half of the citizens are fat and more than one-third are obese, so you fit (pardon the pun) right in.  You aren't special.  You're just sad. 

The common, but weird, language in this Cymbalta commercial

 

Cymbalta is "not approved for children under the age of 18."  Fortunately for me- maybe- it is approved for children over the age of 18.  If it improves my current conditions, I'll be grateful to one doctor but very, very irritated with another.  Like, these commercials have been running for years.  Why didn't you suggest I try it?

Domino's Shock "Value"

 

1.  No one ordering two carb 'n sugar pies from America's favorite starch bin is going to notice what the delivery monkey is driving.  Nobody who eats this slop gives a damn.  I'm willing to bet that 90 percent of pizza is delivered in the evening hours- and nobody is peering into the dark street to see what Delivery Boy is driving.  Nobody.  Cares.

2.  If you regularly order two $6.99 "pizzas" from your nearest franchised pig trough, you might indeed be in for a shock.  It's called a heart attack.  And of all the tragedies in the world, I'm trying to imagine one more pointless than a heart attack brought on by cheap processed Fat in a Box.  Nothing is coming to mind.  

What did I just watch?

 https://www.amazon.com/vdp/c367cf350aa24f5b8ffd8e271f859c7c

As near as I can tell, this guy gets an alarm on his phone that he was supposed to meet some girl for coffee.  For a few seconds, he seems to be in a big hurry to make this date- he showers, he scarfs down cereal (seems to me that he could just grab something at the coffee shop, but that's just me...)  But then he just f--ks around with his phone, doing pretty much everything EXCEPT head off to meet with this girl*, and in the end he's just driving around....I'm sorry, but what the actual hell?

*he was supposed to meet Sarah at 9 AM.  But when he's in the car, his Directions App (or Garmin, or whatever the hell he's using) says his estimated time of arrival is FOUR PM.  So he (briefly) rushed through a shower and breakfast in order to....be SEVEN HOURS LATE for his meetup with Sarah?  Considering that she asked where you were shortly after 9 AM, I kind of doubt she's going to be there when you finally do show up, buddy.  But seriously, what's going on here?  What is this ad FOR?  

This insane iPhone ad with the entitled mom

 

Someone do me a favor and stick a foot out in front of Mrs. I'm The Only Person on the Planet (known on the interwebs simply as "Karen") as I suspect that's the only way to let her know that she is, in fact, NOT the only person on the planet.  What's with the insane look on her face?  Is that supposed to be "determination?"  Because it looks more like "Get out of the way, I don't give a damn about you" to me. 

Until that happens, I actually have only one question about this ad:  Is this what owning an iPhone does to a person, or does the only type of person who would own an iPhone is also the type who doesn't give a damn if she stampedes people to get a perfect shot?

The Mannings, Caesars Sportsbook, and whatever the hell this is supposed to be....

 

This is one of those commercials that make one eternally grateful for the mute button.  Seriously, I never get more than three seconds in before I hit that precious feature of my remote, and man is this commercial weird when it's watched in blessed silence.  

That said- what the hell is the matter with the Mannings?  I'm already immune to what I'm told is their "charms"- I got through about five minutes of the insufferable, pointless blather they provide on ESPN's Monday Night Football coverage before hitting that aforementioned precious, precious mute button.  Monday Night Football with the Peytons should be used to extract information from suspected terrorists at Gitmo.  Do these two idiots have any shame at all?  I know they are addicted to attention, but do they really need what must be an insignificant amount of money being tossed at them by Caesar's Sportsbook to promote a serious addiction?  

Whatever is happening before the Mannings start what I'm sure is hi-LARIOUS commentary in this particular ad, I really don't want to know.  Maybe it's the Boomer in me, but I'm sure I couldn't appreciate it even if I listened.  But without sound, it just looks supremely stupid, bizarre, and frankly offensive.  Not as offensive as the onslaught of commercials hyping the "excitement" of gambling- I don't think anything reaches that level- but pretty damned close.  Sometimes I'm glad I'm old.