A nice place to visit....

 

Yep, it's that time of year again- off to Tampa for another week of buffet meals, long walks under palm trees, maybe a baseball game- and, oh yeah, scoring hundreds of hundreds of essays that pop up on my screen from 8 AM to 5 PM (assuming no overtime, which is not a very good assumption given the track record.)  Can't believe how fast these years fly by. 

I love Tampa- I'm not going to live there, though.  It looks really expensive, I know from experience it's very hot and humid (even hotter and more humid than I prefer, and I actually really like that kind of weather) and I kind of like Seasons. 

See you June 9!  Until then, enjoy the archives!

Wendy's Commercials just keep getting stranger

Between seeing these mental midgets handling all this food without gloves, sticking their heads into ovens (yeah, I can see that becoming a real problem once they realize that they are over 25 years old and work at Wendy's, actually) to take deep sniffs of bacon (and get a fresh coat of grease on their faces) and then handing it to customers unwrapped on trays....yeah, I think we're all going to give it a pass, Wendy's.  

This series of commercials is just...weird.  I don't know if we are supposed to find these bizarre characters funny, or relatable (man, how sad would THAT be?) but I don't see ANY reason why any of this should convince ANYBODY to head on over to Wendy's to purchase a fat and carb sandwich any time of day.  Especially not at breakfast- the only reason I'd start my day with a pile of eggs, cheese, and sausage inside a croissant is if I intended to go right back to bed after consuming it, because that kind of "start" is going to get me "started" on a carb coma ten minutes after it hits my bloodstream.  Throw in a pile of hot oily potatoes and you don't sell a cup of coffee big or strong enough to get me to work without being pulled over for driving under the influence. 

Michelob Light's really, really dumb "tennis victory dance" commercial

 

In real life, by the time this idiot was done preening and dancing and making a total fool out of herself,* the beer in those open bottles would be flat or warm or spilled all over the tennis court.  I originally thought the message was "yeah, it's a commercial, and it's 2023, so of course the woman has triumphed over a man and you can bet it wasn't even close," but now I think it's "nothing can ruin light beer because it comes pre-ruined." 

*the actual title of this ad is "Peace Treaty"- which I guess is supposed to mean that the best way to make "peace" with a person you just beat the stuffing out of is to act like a total idiot drawing attention to yourself as you very gradually and in the most ostentatious manner possible- bring him a bottle of beer-flavored water.  Um, whatever.  

RIP, Paul Anka!*

 

The first few times I watched this commercial, I didn't realize that it was supposed to be depicting the same person at different stages in his "life" and I thought "ok, three guys live together in a house and all three are weirdly addicted to the smell of Downy fabric softener."

It turns out that no, it's only one guy- and every time he pulls clothes out of the dryer he takes a huge whiff and he is transported back to some nebulous "good old days" when he- um- also pulled clothes out of the dryer and took a huge whiff.  I guess.  And apparently there was a time in his life when he wore clothes that were comically small for him.  Either that, or we are supposed to think that he was doing laundry when he was a small child.  I don't know.  No matter how you slice it, it's really, really stupid.

*Yes I know, Paul Anka isn't officially dead yet.  He's actually only 82 years old and from what I hear, he can still croon with the best of them.  But he's proof that if you live long enough, you become the villain of your own story- or, at least, one of your iconic songs becomes the background music for a stupid soap commercial.  I'm not exactly sure how that saying goes. 

TurboTax asks us to care. We really don't.

 

(Full disclaimer:  I use TurboTax and have for probably 20 years now.  I use their site to do my taxes with minimal help from their online support staff.  Because I don't really own anything.)  

1.  If you own enough property and make enough money to make doing your taxes so complicated the thought of doing them gives you nightmares, I don't care about your and your "problems."

2.  If you can afford to hire someone to do your taxes for you, see No. 1. 

3.  I don't really care about anyone all that much, and I'm a total stranger writing a blog nobody reads, so don't get too triggered about No. 1

Applebee's redefines the word "appetizer," and we're worse off for it.

 

Wait- what?  What the hell is a "full-size appetizer"

Here's the definition of the word "appetizer" I found in a quick Google search:  "a small dish of food or a drink taken before a meal or the main course of a meal to stimulate the appetite."  So again I ask- what the hell is a "full-size appetizer?"

I'm afraid I know the answer- it's a meal to be consumed before the other meal you ordered arrives.  Because if there's anything America needs more than a plate of fried cheese to "stimulate the appetite" before the "real" dinner shows up, I am not aware of it. 

Remember Taco Bell's "fourth meal" campaign from a decade or so back?  Judging from America's waistline these days, it caught on in an informal manner, as more and more people no longer have set times to eat but instead simply consume whenever and wherever (and, increasingly, WHATEVER) the mood and opportunity strikes.  Applebee's is just offering a time-saver here- you don't have to plan that fourth meal, just have it at the same sitting as one of your usual three meals and call it a "full-size appetizer."  Since Americans are really good at eating large amounts of food quickly and not allowing the fullness signal to reach the brain until we're bloated with excess calories, this will work really well as long as it can be packaged as a money-saving deal as well as a time-saving one.  Personally, I think $25 sounds like a lot of money for a plate of fried cheese and a piece of steak, but I'm weird like that. 

Taco Bell Insults the World

 

"No, lady- the fact that this so-called 'restaurant' has no working ovens or grease pits and is actually just a facade* surrounded by television cameras and featuring a nobody bit 'comedian'** shouldn't convince you that you are in a stupid ad for an awful company determined to do its part in fueling the obesity crisis."

Oh, and it's absolutely no wonder that you work at Taco Bell.  The only mystery is- how did you get here without dying in a thousand different ways between getting out of bed and tying your shoes?

*it's a word and this is the way it's spelled.  Get over it, Spellcheck.

**nothing makes me want to start my day at America's favorite lard supplier more than Pete Davison's immensely unfunny, smarmy delivery.  Good call, Taco Bell.