This stupid Dairy Queen commercial makes Negative Sense

 

1.  Why is a girl who looks to be at least twelve years old sitting in the back seat instead of in the front with her father?

2.  What is the big deal if the girl wants to start eating her blizzard DQ thing before they get home- that is, before it starts to melt all over the place?  Maybe hers isn't made out of whatever magic non-dairy substance her father's is and won't defy the laws of thermodynamics like his will. 

3.  Is "that's cold" supposed to be a pun?  Because if these blizzard things are cold, unless the AC is turned up to full blast (and even if it IS) they aren't going to stay cold for very long.  Is it "cold" because she gets to enjoy her blizzard while dad has to wait till he gets home?  Well, when he gets home hers will be done and his- because it won't melt, obviously- will still be there, and won't he get some level of juvenile "revenge" at that time?

4.  Seriously, what the hell is going on here?  Who buys a milk shake or an ice cream cone and says "I'm not touching this till I get home?"  That's just dumb.  Why didn't they just eat this stuff at DQ?  Why does neither one have a freaking lid on it- even if dad's is magic and doesn't melt, what is keeping it from gathering dust and dander and bugs in that car?  I mean, come on.   How many layers of stupid can one commercial have?  (And no, that is NOT a challenge.)

5.  What's with the comments?  What is "racist" about this ad featuring a black guy and a girl I assume is his daughter?  What am I missing here?  Why are people like this?

Cherish your stupid addiction this NFL season with Fanduel.

 

The football season is short...so cherish every moment in that 16 weeks by risking your paycheck and your family's financial stability as often as possible.  Because when it's over, you'll have to go back to, um, betting on the NBA, I'm sure. 

Somehow, we've got gambling on your phone being sold as something as precious as moments with a loved one.  Precious, and fleeting and to be appreciated because nothing good- be it football season or the opportunity to gamble on football- lasts forever.  Only winters in Buffalo last forever.

This is really, really sad.  Not as sad as winters in Buffalo, but still, really, really sad. 

Liberty Mutual? Here's some real "truth telling"

 

"It's ok that I spent all this money, because I saved money doing this other thing" is the mating call of every stupidly, intentionally poor person in the Western World.   It's the middle-class equivalent of "I can go into debt to buy this because I'll be able to pay for it as soon as I get my tax refund."  

Sorry, "honey:"  that's still a lot of shopping, and you probably still should be saving more and spending less.  And your mother forgetting to pick her husband up at the airport doesn't change that fact in the slightest.  It's just a mean piece of misdirection that isn't going to improve your credit score.  

Some free advice for Todd in this Chewy Commercial

 

So you're disappointed that you inherited a train set while a cat inherited regular pet supplies "in perpetuity?"  Well, considering that the cat is apparently capable of (at least internal) speech in the way that I imagine most pet owners think that their ridiculous little hairball-producers are, and apparently capable of higher thought processes which allow them to comprehend things like wills and words like "perpetuity," I have some very simple and totally free advice for Todd:

Get on this cat's good side.  I mean, let's be honest about this situation, shall we?  I don't care how old Todd is or how old Mr. Marbles is, Todd is going to outlive Mr. Marbles and we'll be back in this lawyer's office in no time.  Sorry, Mr. Marbles, but when Todd considers what "in perpetuity" means when it comes to your Chewy shipments, he's thinking in years consisting of single digits.  If your dead owner was responsible, Mr. Marbles, you aren't producing any heirs of your own.  So you either make a will- good luck with that- or your estate is going right back to the other people in this room inside a decade.   Time is NOT on your side, Mr. Marbles. 

Another of these Wendy's commercials. So sick of these people.

 

So the Brains Trust that works at this particular Wendy's decided to put together samples of the latest Meal Deal being offered by the sludge factory that signs their paychecks, lock the doors, and have a Meeting of the- um- "minds" concerning the deal while standing behind it.  Considering that the total brain wattage of the staff couldn't power a keychain light, I guess it's going to take this kind of cooperative learning activity to absorb the Very Very Complicated offer they'll be preparing for customers who are willing to consume food personally prepared by people I would not trust with a foam rubber ball or talking wall trout.  

After a few hours, even the employees not as "smart' as the guy they acknowledge as the "smart one" (the tallest dwarf in the enchanted forest, I guess) will figure out what the promotion entails and will be ready to re-open the store, fire up the - um, whatever heating element Wendy's uses- and wrap greasy warm garbage with greasy warm paper and place it in greasy warm bags to sell to to greasy warm customers.  And the Saga of the Stupid Wendy's Choads will have completed another chapter.  Whatever.  What's happening with Lily over at AT&T?  That store still using five employees to deal with a single customer, you know-  like in real life?

I guess "We have the Diabetes" didn't fly with marketing?

 

...because if you take advantage of this "Everyday Deal" every day, well, your days are numbered, and those numbers probably don't hit triple digits.  Unlike your A1C.  

That being said, it's a remarkable triumph of American Advertising that two of these piles of warm grease for $7 can be sold as a bargain.  I mean, that's about the same price as two gallons of gasoline for roughly the same impact on your digestive system. 

4Imprint- because it's so easy.

 

In all of these commercials, there's only one person in the entire office who realizes that the easiest job on the "big project" the Boss wants done is ordering a bunch of promotional giveaway crap that everybody expects and nobody wants.

So while the rest of her coworkers do actual labor on the project, she'll be going to 4imprint and spending the day "designing" t-shirts, pens, baseball caps, carafes and other junk that new clients will receive and quickly discard because seriously, who the heck needs more of this garbage lying around the house?  

As for the other coworkers- well, I have to assume that they are all over the age of sixty and don't realize that there are companies that do all the work for you when it comes to producing promotional materials.  It's not like when I ran for Congress back in 2002 and I had to make phone calls and create designs and approve templates for t-shirts, buttons and bumper stickers.  Now all that stuff is done for you online and you can pick out what you want and order it in a matter of minutes, if not seconds- leaving people like this very smart young woman to enjoy her afternoon sipping coffee at her desk and pretending to work on that Big Project while the idiots who fled from the easiest task on the list are stuck doing the actual labor for The Man and his Big Project.