That Kellogg's "Cereal for Dinner" ad

 

Evil Cartoon Character from the 1960s pops into the living room to indoctrinate the next generation of Americans to be even fatter and more sedentary and depressed than their parents:

"Ok everyone, when I say DINNER, you yell SUGAR!"

"DINNER!"

"SUGAR!"

"DINNER!"

"SUGAR!"

Lonely voice from the living room from an animated chicken who for some reason is begging to be eaten:  "Protein?"

Adult who allegedly is responsible for the care of her offspring:  "You can take the night off, protein."

Who benefits?  Kellogg's bottom line.  Mom and dad, because cleanup is easy.  Big Pharma, which will make serious bank on an even bigger (no pun intended) population of Type 2 Diabetes sufferers who (bonus) will also probably have fatty liver disease and need replacement knee surgery even earlier than their parents did.  Who suffers?  The kids, who will be ravenously hungry an hour after they eat that empty, sweet bowl of soggy carbs and will grow up with terrible, debilitating eating habits.  Society, which will carry the massively inflated (again, no pun intended) cost of their treatment for illnesses that used to be exclusive to the elderly (maybe there won't be as many elderly so it will balance out?  Or we'll just redefine what it means to be "elderly?")  

It's bad enough that this sad trash is sold as breakfast ("as part of a nutritious breakfast;" in fact, it's more of an add-on to a nutritious breakfast, if served with a couple of eggs and a piece of whole-wheat toast.)  If it becomes a regular feature at dinner, it's very likely that families will be consuming empty, sugary nonsense TWICE A DAY.  And what will that third meal be?  Depends on what the family is in the mood for- Taco Bell, Wendy's McDonald's, Pizza Hut....why do houses even HAVE kitchens anymore?  All you really need is a fridge (for the milk,) a microwave (for the leftovers) and a coffee maker (for obvious reasons.)  This nonsense makes Taco Bell's "Fourth Meal" campaign look downright innocent.  

Sick, sick, sick.  In far more ways that one.

Danica Patrick hosts an Endurance test

 

1.  Well, why shouldn't Danica Patrick make as much money as she can while she can?  It's not like she's making money winning races, after all.

2.  Covered Car Repairs are Covered.  Yeah, no kidding.  And what are "covered car repairs?"  Well, you'll find out when you need to use that "insurance" you think you are paying for with those "low" premiums offered "for a limited time" while our economy is "struggling."  Speaking of which-

3.  After twenty years of listening to the radio ads, I'm convinced that if the unemployment rate was 3 percent, hourly wage for High School graduates was approaching $15 per hour and the Dow Jones Industrial Average topped 40,000, Endurance would STILL be telling us that they were offering discounted car repair insurance "due to the downturn in the economy."  Oh, wait a minute....

The Evil Genius of LinkedIn Ads (Part I)

(Because this definitely qualifies as it's own series....)

In an era of US History in which it has never been more difficult to find qualified applicants to fill ANY job, be it office manager, gas station convenience store attendant or Starbucks barista, LinkedIn pounds the audience with ads featuring hopeful, starry-eyed, out-of-work millennials trying to find ways to stand out from the crowd as they pursue their dreams of an entry-level salary at a mindless, fill-in-the-blank drone corporation.  All of their commercials feature the same people wearing very nice, expensive-looking clothing, getting themselves ready for their interviews in very large, upscale apartments or houses, and heading off hoping to be picked out from all of the hundreds or even thousands of like-minded, equally qualified go-getters who want nothing more than to put 150 percent effort in to achieving success for The Corporation.

This is a bizarre fantasy that pretends that we are still living in the pre-COVID world and not the one which gave us free money in the form of stimulus payments (whether we needed them or not) and birthed a new era of pro-Union and life-is-more-than-work-I-will-not-be-a-sucker-like-my-parents attitudes and, above all, an understanding that Your Dream Is Not My Dream If You Want Me To Work PAY ME that has shuffled the deck for the first time since the French Revolution.  But I'll expand on that in a future chapter.  For now, I'll just reiterate that as much as businesses would like to deny it, the unemployment rate is almost zero and there are no hungry masses yearning to be your wage serfs knocking each other over for an interview in your office, Sorry Not Sorry (as the cool kids say.)

Optima Tax Relief- remember, everybody, Louie is supposed to be the VICTIM here....

 

"The IRS finally caught up to Louie..." after eight years of Louie avoiding paying his fair share for living in a society financed by other people's money, Louie got caught.  So not only was Louie not contributing, but he put an extra burden on society by making the government use precious resources to track him down and require him to accept responsibility like an adult.  

Except, Louie doesn't accept responsibility like an adult.  After telling us straight out that he avoided paying taxes for eight years, he starts whining about the consequences of his actions..."THEY are going to take my house, THEY are going to garnish my paycheck, THEY don't care..." Louie acts like a kid who has been caught shoplifting- "they put me in the back of a police car, they took me to the station, they charged me with a crime, like they don't care that I have things to do and this could have an impact on my life!"  No hint that he recognizes the percentage of fault that belongs to him (100 percent, btw.)

I guess Louie was really upset that he got caught - "Optima Tax Relief calmed me down, they made me feel comfortable."  Yeah, that's the important thing- that you feel "comfortable."  The shoplifter should be apologized to repeatedly by the police officer on the way to the station.  Maybe given a Comfort Animal to pet or something.

"I was able to live a better life, a more comfortable life...." there again we have that word "comfortable."  Most of us feel "comfortable" because we know we aren't cheating our way through the years, avoiding paying taxes because it's not convenient.  We feel "comfortable" when we live within our means and pay our bills- and that includes paying income tax owed.  And those of us who AREN'T children don't harbor resentment at the authorities when we skip out on paying our legitimate share of the burden and then get caught.  Grow up, Louie.

Louie got relief with Optima Tax when he probably should have spent time in jail.  Crimes without Consequences come from Laws not worth Respecting.  Why are the vast majority of us paying our bills on time, allowing the system to function correctly, when Louie and his ilk can just skate through his responsibilities with a smile on his face and a chuckle in his voice?

Louie is a terrible person who should be ashamed of himself, but anyone who can boldly declare that he's a crook who didn't make any effort to repair his ways until he was caught has obviously tossed aside his shame as an annoying relic of the past that simply doesn't apply to him Because Reasons.  Judging from the sound of his voice he hasn't learned a damn thing and he's going to be in trouble with the Mean Old IRS again in no time at all.   Maybe Optima Tax Relief will hire him to give us another whinefest like this one.  I'll be ready. 

An open letter to Toyota during it's "The One" Sales Event

Simply put:  Please, just....stop.

The idea that anyone would be this jacked at buying a freaking TOYOTA is downright laughable.  Or, at least, it would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.  It's bad enough that you've got a family taking selfies with a salesman.  But you've got another guy doing a dance and another who has acquired a bottle of champagne somewhere and is now spraying himself like he just won Game of the Freaking World Series instead of signing a contract to hand Toyota several hundreds of dollars a month for several years on top of thousands of dollars down- what the actual hell?  You didn't win anything, my dude.  You didn't beat out a hundred other people- or even ONE other person- to make the Deal of the Lifetime and convince the dealership to hand you the keys to a car because You're Awesome.  You signed.  A freaking.  Contract.  And the moment you did, that salesman stopped giving a damn about you and started wondering when you were going to get the hell out of his way, drive the hell off the lot, and let him move on to the next sucker.  That you left him a wet mess to clean up just makes you an asshat on top of being a ridiculous Consumer who probably beeps the horn in celebration when he's handed his 2-for-1 deal in the Wendy's Drive-Thru.

Seriously, Toyota.  What the hell?

Nissan Rogue's Google Command- "Safety First?"

 

Nissan Rogue's Google Command was allegedly installed so that the driver could keep his "hands on the wheel."  Which is about as cynical as Nissan could possibly get, considering that this vehicle is jammed full of so many distracting bells and whistles that the very last thing that's going to get any attention is the actual road.

"Keep your hands on the wheel, while your brain wanders around Facebook, emails, text messages, SiriusXM, and everything except what's in front of you as you maneuver several tons of steel and chrome and fiberglass at high speeds through neighborhoods where actual human beings are active with a smug, self-important, self-satisfied look on your stupid face.  Because we care, or something."

What an absolute load of crap.  

Discover a New Level of Dumb

 

I have two questions for the writers of this Discover Card Commercial.

1.  Why did this woman call the Discover Card Help Line in the middle of the night?  She never has any question other than some version of "are you really not a sophisticated robot?"  If I were the person in the Help Center, I'd be asking why she called, not assuring her that I'm not Artificial Intelligence.  Instead, she seems perfectly happy to have a pointless "prove your not a robot" conversation with a total stranger on the phone.  

2.  Assuming this really is supposed to be comedy....as a consumer of this commercial where, exactly, am I supposed to, you know, LAUGH?  Because this isn't funny.  It's just dumb.  Like the title of this blog post says.  It's just dumb.  And "just dumb" does not equal Funny.  Not in my world.