Don't despair because that touchdown you bet on didn't take place; wait a few moments until it doesn't happen again. NOW you can despair for the rent, car payment, or medical bills that are going to go into default because you listened to a multi-millionaire who couldn't resist lining his already well-lined pockets just a little more tell you how SuperAwesome gambling is.
Mr. Fox, I'm prepared to offer you a second chance. Just give back the dirty money you took to make this and your other Betting Is Good Clean Fun commercials- or, better yet, donate it to Gambler's Anonymous - and issue a public apology for making those ads in the first place. It won't do anything for the people you've already suckered in to this finances-and-life-destroying addiction, but if it convinces just one person to delete the app from their phone and seek professional help, it would be worth it- don't you think? Or are you really that infatuated with the almighty dollar?
So Mr. and Mrs. Diversity are cruising along in an SUV which is probably already crushing them in debt when they come across a bridge which requires a toll Because Reasons.
Naturally, this family doesn't have two nickels to rub together- why would they be carrying money with them as they drive through the woods with two children, after all- but fortunately they've become very used to the concept of Kicking Problems Down The Road with Klarna, Affirm or, in this case, AfterPay. Because why a small amount now when you can pay that same amount plus a crippling Oops You Missed A Payment Who Could Have Seen That Coming Oh That's Right Everybody later?
And I'm not even going to ask why people who have no money have an SUV and two kids because I've lived in this country long enough to know that deferred desires are just not a thing when compared to Living for Today. So this family- and tens of thousands of families just like them- are going to keep pretending to be financially stable because they can pay that Stupid Tax---- err, I mean, "Troll Toll."
...are, twelve years later, just stupid, disgusting walls of noise.
Walls of noise that are just getting more obnoxious as they proceed through their second decade of polluting the airwaves. And what really makes this annoying? The fact that this stuff is actually pretty effective. So why do the makers feel like they need to use this stupid gimmick, let alone use it for a dozen years?
I was recently watching a podcast concerning the hidden costs of UberEats and DoorDash- the massive amounts of waste involved in transporting a heavily-packaged meal over any distance because millions of lazy, stupid-with-money asshats can't be bothered prepare food themselves or decided that the line at the drive-thru was too long on their way home from their sedentary jobs.
Rinse.com might even be worse. Here are two able-bodied women who are about to settle down for a night (day?) of binge-watching some show when one is "interrupted" by the need to "finish her laundry." Which means, acknowledge a notice on her phone that her laundry has been completed off-site by serfs and is being delivered to her door by other serfs. Because she's "too busy" to do her own laundry, of course.
Well, excuse me but what the actual hell? There's no way that palace doesn't include a state-of-the-art washer and dryer. You put your laundry in the washer, add soap, and then watch your tv. You interrupt your viewing for five minutes at some point to move the laundry into the dryer. You interrupt your viewing an hour later to take the laundry out, and you fold it while watching your show.
Every other weekend I pack up my dirty laundry in my oversized backpack and pedal to the local laundromat. Ninety minutes and $4 later my laundry is done for the week and I am on my way back home. I didn't require a team to pick my clothes up, carry them off someplace in a gas-guzzling vehicle, be and cleaned and returned in another gas-guzzling vehicle packed in plastic and cardboard which will inevitably end up in a landfill. I'm not a hero. I just have two hours every two weeks to do this. You can't tell me that these women can't do laundry while they are watching tv.
The Convenience Culture is getting really, really awful. We've got prepackaged meals for specialized ovens. We've got every restaurant, burger joint and 7-11 ready to deliver everything from a four-course meal to a bag of chips to our door at the swipe of a phone. And now we've got spoiled princesses using a laundry service instead of the perfectly serviceable washer and dryer WE KNOW ARE SITTING IN THIS HOUSE.
"I see something, I buy it." Yes, exactly. The fact that you say that to a worldwide audience, with a big smile on your face, doesn't make it any better. Just sadder.
Klarna, AfterPay, and a dozen other apps make it super-easy to pay a little down and get that impulse buy into your house as quickly as possible, with the monthly installment payments coming later. If those companies have their way, you'll find this so convenient and easy you won't even notice when your entire paycheck is being vacuumed up by installment payments on stuff you already impulsively purchased because Gosh This App Makes It Seem Like Its Practically Free.
I'm sure this won't end badly. After all, what could go wrong with Buy Now Pay Later? What's good for the 1920s has to be good for the 2020s, right? And never mind that the average American is already carrying $6500 in credit card debt. We'll be fine as long as we can keep buying stuff.
You'll forgive me if I have an instant negative reaction to any commercial that starts with "Hey, Human."
Especially since the last thing I really need in my life is another commercial which accuses the most productive people on the planet of falling short of optimum productivity. Companies like this- and Indeed, and LinkedIn, etc.- are constantly pushing products to get just one more drop of sweat out of an already exhausted, discouraged workforce by using This Software or This Spreadsheet or This "Connectivity Opportunity" or This App.
In short, it's Always Something with these companies. And it has nothing to do with being human, and everything to do with exploitation. And it never stops being less gross.
