This Amazon commercial is supposed to be heartwarming. It isn't.

 

What the world needs now is less manipulation from the planet's biggest slave driver since the East India Tea Company and the Congo Free State went under.....

So the janitor at this theater is a great voice and from the picture he keeps of himself in his locker he was a popular singer before his life went all to hell and he found himself sweeping up crap in a theater.  His fellow drones hear him singing, realize he has a great voice, and decide that if they come up with enough money to buy him a cheap version of a nice tuxedo on Amazon (probably from some Chinese company with a bizarre name nobody has ever heard of like "Wulful*" which makes nice-looking tuxedos that are 80 percent polyester, 10 percent Viscose and 10 percent lead paint chips that are guaranteed not to fall part until the second time they are dry-cleaned) they can exploit that voice for their own entertainment and maybe the theater's profit.   

All the employees get teary-eyed as this guy gets to stand on a stage again for a few seconds before scrubbing the men's room; when he gets his paycheck he'll be reminded that the singing was done during his break and he won't be paid for the time he spent getting in and out of that suit.  And oh by the way, the return window is still open so we'd like the suit back now, please.  

*An actual name of a company we've never heard of that sells cheap tuxedos on Amazon.

Lectric Bikes: Yes, but....

 

Full disclosure:  I am interested in buying one of these bikes, eventually.  That's why I got on their mailing list to be kept abreast of flash sales, etc.  

Here's the thing, though- in the four months I've been following the brand, I've been treated to ads for exactly the same sale, usually several times a week.  Lectric is constantly running "FLASH" sales that feature identical prices from before the "FLASH" sale.  For example:  every single week since at least early October, the standard foldable model has been "marked down" from $1400 to $999.  Same bike. Same price.  Every. Single. Week.

The only thing that changes is the title of the "Sale."  It's been a Labor Day sale- marked down from $1499 to $999.  Then it was the Halloween Sale, marked down from $1499 to $999.  It was a pre-Black Friday sale, marked down from $1499 to $999.  Now it's a Black Friday Sale, complete with countdown timer, marked down from $1499 to $999.  Oh, and supply is always limited, too.  Some colors are always sold out.  But the standard colors- white or black- are always available.  And always on "sale."

Give me a break.  I don't have the money to pull the trigger and purchase one of these bikes right now.  I might never purchase one.  But I'm quite sure there will be a pre-pre-Christmas "Flash Sale," then a pre-Christmas "flash sale," and finally a Christmas "Flash Sale."  Followed by the inevitable pre-New Year's "flash sale."

This won't go on forever, of course.  Wait until those Trump tariffs kick in.  They might actually force Lectric to sell their bikes at the "normal" price.  At least until pre-Easter.  We'll see. 

Cults are Welcoming, Too

 

Sometimes it's called "Love Bombing."  I prefer the term "misery loves company."

Sometimes the stupid, sloppy drunk is the most popular person at the party.  Making everyone else feel better about themselves, perhaps. 

In case you weren't already aware, you are more than welcome to join the "fun" of online gambling.  It's a very, very welcoming "community" of sad addicts eager for your participation in consuming their drug of choice.

This Verizon Commercial is a gigantic Middle Finger to the World

 

Did you know that if you make more that fifty dollars per day, you are in the top 20 percent of wage earners on the entire planet?

Think about that little nugget of information the next time you see a commercial featuring Americans treating thousand-dollar phones like they are Bic lighters; dropping them, putting them through the laundry, etc.  A $1000 iPhone is more than two months' salary for eighty percent of the Earth's population.  It's a regularly upgraded, disposable item for the target audience of this ad. 

And those people who make less than fifty dollars per day?  Well, some of them include the children who put in 12-hour shifts assembling phones like these.  Fortunately, they'll never see this ad.  I'm sure the wounds are painful enough without having salt sprinkled into them. 

Wendy's is just trying to kill us

 

Ok, so offer soft drinks all day, every day for $1 any size.  But if you aren't really trying to murder the country (and bury us in plastic trash,) could you maybe give us refillable cups without lids and straws, and put an ounce limit on those cups?

Also- I'm really worried about people who are drinking giant Cokes from Wendy's at 7:45 AM.  A massive sugar rush in the morning is a recipe for ravenous hunger throughout the day.  Is that the plan, Wendy's?  Figure at least some of those "starving" people seeking to reclaim that sugar high will be back for "food" later- along with another $1 drink?

7:45 Coke, 11:30 Sprite, 4:30 Fanta, 8:00 Diabetes.  Way to be part of the problem, Wendy's. 

A few quick points about this stupid NFL Sunday Ticket Commercial

 

1.  I imagine that the average dolphin has a longer attention span than the current generation of idiot Americans who surf everything except waves.

2.  I don't care how many games you can watch at the same time with NFL Sunday Ticket, there is zero reason why any of them should be the Dolphins.

3.  Maybe you could be doing something other than trying to watch four games at once while warming your backside on that couch.  I've noticed a lot of deals on Peloton being aired during commercial breaks along with this ad.  Just a thought.

Lexus December to Remember Hell is back, and it's worse than ever

This time, we see an adorable girl who for some reason waited until literally the last second to send her Wish List to Santa, probably because she knows that everyone in her life will bend over backwards to turn that frown upside down/ avoid the inevitable (but, again, adorable) tantrum that might come if Our Special Princess is disappointed for more than three consecutive seconds.

So we see the entire family get in on the act of Promoting Harmony Uber Alles, with Uncle Somebody Who Obviously Has No Children of His Own attempting to pull a I'll Deliver Your Letter to the North Pole with my Own LookatMeMobile Don't You Fret Precious Darling but having the letter snatched out of his hands by an Evil Wind which really ought to be biting the skin of some poor working slob and leaving the .001 percent alone.

Fortunately, the contents of the letter was read by someone who has no respect for the Little Girl's privacy but a steely determination to avoid a scene on Christmas Morning, so the piano Entitled Little Angel asked for is delivered safe and sound to Mommy and Daddy's ridiculous mansion in the mountains, where there is always a blanket of snow outside for these holidays because the local ski resort has machines for such things if nature doesn't do it's damn job and pony up.  Man is this relatable or what?

And it's not even Thanksgiving yet.  Strap in, folks.